Leaving a sociopath is no ordinary break up.
It’s an escape from terror, abuse, and harm.
We’re not in denial. – We’re scared out of our minds.
After this breakup, going for coffee, or each other’s weddings five years down the road is not an option. Being friends with a sociopath is not a possibility. If we’re trying to be friends we don’t understand what a sociopath is or we’re still under the sociopath’s spell. This means: we’re in for more harm.
Sociopaths are not friends with anyone.Sociopaths do not love. The terror we go through trying to leave them, whether it’s to end a faux-relationship of five months or fifty years, is nothing like an ordinary break up. – Faux means “fake” in French.
There Will Be Doubts
We’ll second guess the breakup. Doubt will come in waves – our human, trusting, loving hearts try to rationalize the insanity of what happened. Don’t doubt it even with confusion spinning our minds. – The crazy happened. It was all lies. A sociopath’s “normal” is lying – they do not love.
There will also be fear – possibly terror. There are steps to take to protect ourselves when leaving a sociopath. If we call, email, text, see them or hook up we’re in danger. Leaving this nut-job will be one of the hardest things we ever do. But we can do it! Understanding how they think is key.
Doubt and fear mix in a hollow, heavy pit in our stomach. As normal, loving humans, we grope for something to make sense. It won’t – until we think of it all – the whole “relationship” – the way a sociopath does.
Fortunately, sociopaths are easy to spot once we know the signs.
Understand why we believe the lies of a sociopath. They lie – always. Always. Even about things they don’t need to lie about. They tell the truth on rare occasions. At those times we feel we’re on a gigantic Tilt-o-Whirl. Hold onto that one phrase uttered by the sociopath that is so unusual we can’t comprehend it. The one-liner that makes us reel, things like You only think you love me. Or, If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t love me. – Those strange things they say, are who they really are.
Push the clouds aside and look for that snippet of what feels right. Base everything we do, every decision we make while escaping on what’s best for our lives, our safety and well being. Lean towards that clarity, keep breathing, trust our guts and break away safely.
Leaving a Sociopath – 5 Break Up Musts
1) As soon as the door shuts, have our door locks rekeyed.
Rekeying costs less than changing out the hardware door knobs and all.
Find a locksmith online or in the good old Yellow Pages and get them over to our place as soon as the scammer is out. We’ll feel a whole lot better.
Do not let him or her back to pick anything up. Ever. Nothing. Never. Throw it output it on the street – whatever it is. If he or she walked out the door with any of our things – it’s best to let them go, especially if it’s only a CD or a sweater.
If we discover major items missing – jewelry, audio equipment, money – maybe we make a police report. – And then there’s possible immigration and marriage fraud or violence. Carefully consider what, how, why and when to report – or not. – Reporting doesn’t always help and then some reports are mandatory for our protection – like notifying USCIS about green card marriage fraud.
There’s a balance between walking through fire to save ourselves
and walking through fire for no greater purpose.
Find your balance.
2. Go No Contact and Non-Threat
Go no contact. Make it impossible for them to reach us. Do not reach out to them. All contact with a sociopath must stop. There’s great risk in staying connected to the sociopath behind the mask. We must block the sociopath, we must not contact them. If they do reach us, we cannot respond. There are profound reasons for this. – In divorce have our attorney handle all communications. – We do not. Doing so could hurt our divorce case. – Contact destroys our abuse claims in court.
No contact is not a casual suggestion. No contact saves our future.
Change our phone numbers. Maybe get a new phone. Block them on our phones, email, and all social media. Block everyone we know who knows them. – Use the “block” functions. Sociopaths usually try hard to stay connected. It’s so common it’s got a name: Hoovering, like the vacuum cleaner brand.