Compatibility is one of the most important parts of a relationship and without it, your relationship can crumble in no time. Yes, it stands true that every person is different from the other and you should always accept them as they are. But, a fair share of compatibility is vital for a successful relationship.
The more you get to know a person and spend time with them, the more you realize how compatible you are with them. Also, there are a few questions you can ask your man to determine compatibility which can also give you an insight into your future together.
Are you really as compatible as you think?
When you’ve been dating for a while and it’s starting to get serious, you want to know what questions to ask a guy to determine if you’re really as compatible in your relationship as you think.
Get-to-know-you questions are important because compatibility in a relationship is more than just hanging out together; it’s determining if you can really see life with that person.
You like each other a lot, and you both love sushi, weekend hikes, and traveling together… Obviously, you’re perfect for each other!
Hate to break it to you, but dating, relationships, and marriage aren’t just about doing the things you love with the one you love. It’s about mitigating life — the ups, downs, and in-betweens together with your partner, who you also like to roll around in bed with.
So how do you know if you also mesh on the important things before you go on another date, open your heart, get into a relationship, and commit?
Well, honestly, no matter how many conversations or years you might be together, there are no guarantees in relationships.
“A lasting relationship isn’t about marriage. It’s about compatibility and communication. And you both need to want it to work.” – Goldie Hawn
But if you at least bring up then go deep into certain conversations, you might get an idea as to if they are a healthy match for you, or maybe you realize that they are more of a fun-for-now type of relationship that will soon expire.
What you don’t want to do is enter a relationship, and worse than that, enter a marriage with the hope that something about your partner will change.
Maybe they’ll drink less, want to spend more time with your family, be less of a flirt with others, be more of a hands-on parent, be more driven, be less shy about voicing their thoughts and feelings, be more aware of their health and practicing healthy habits, etc.
You can’t change them — only they can change themselves. And true, deep, sustained change only comes from massive reality checks and desire. The problem with committing to someone with the hope or expectation of change is that you may be setting both you and them up for failure.
The most common reasons for divorce are money, sex, and expectations. To address these issues you get married. This could be a way to avoid divorce, since you talked through the major issues first, giving yourself the pre-commitment opportunity to come to a calm understanding without the pressure of forever.
You might avoid divorce because you realize that the issues are relationship lenders, so you don’t get married in the first place. As much as that notion sounds awful right now, if you end up in the situation when you are locked in and then struggling with these differences and looking down the path of divorce, you will wish you had addressed them earlier.
Here are the questions to ask a guy when you’re getting serious and want to have a healthy relationship:
1. Do you like spontaneity, or are you more of a planner?
2. What’s one word you’d use to describe yourself, and why?
3. What word would past partners use to describe you and why?
4. What word would clients/coworkers use to describe you?
5. What word would someone who doesn’t really know you well use to describe you?
6. What word would people you’ve hurt in the past use to describe you?
7. What word would you use to embody what you’re best at?
8. What word would you use to embody what you’re worst at?
9. What word would you use to describe what you’re most proud of?
10. What one word describes what you most want to improve about yourself?
11. What word would you use to describe who you were in the past, and who you’ve evolved to in the present?
12. What is your favorite side of yourself? When did you discover that side? When do you most thoroughly express that side? Why do you love that side the most?
13. If you don’t know something, do you prefer to move on, ask someone, look it up, make a decision as to what you assume/think it is?
14. The first word that comes to you… What’s the word you’d use to describe how you like to vacation?
15. Do you believe in intuition? Do you believe that you are intuitive? Do you trust your intuition? Are there times in your past when you ignored your intuition and regret it?
16. The first word that comes to you… What’s the word you’d use to describe what you’re actively working on in yourself?
17. When you’re feeling weak or scared, do you:
- Fight (get defensive and angry)
- Freeze (shut down, get quiet)
- Flee (end things, run away, hide)?
18. What makes you feel safest, physically, emotionally, financially?
19. What makes you feel most seen?
20. Do you believe in a higher power? What is that power? How does that power affect and interact with your life?
21. Are you a texter? Or do you prefer in-person conversation, or are you a phone person?
22. What holidays are important for you to celebrate? How do you celebrate them?
23. If there was a fire/flood and you had five minutes to grab all you could in your home and everything else would be destroyed, what would you grab?
24. If you weren’t in your career, and money wasn’t an issue, what would your dream career be, and why?
When you start into the revealing conversations, believe what your partner says.
If someone says, “I have issues,” or “I’m crazy,” or “I’m not a good person,” ask what they mean. Make sure to ask in an interested, not interrogative way.
What you might say is “It’s interesting, you have said a couple of times that you have issues. I wonder what you mean by that? I think we all have our own issues. I know that I can be kind of rigid sometimes and even emotionally shut down if I am feeling unsafe, out of control, or without some structure. What about you? What issues do you feel like you have?”
In shaping your question in that way, what you’re doing is:
- Showing that you’re actively listening.
- Repeating back to them what you heard them say.
- Reflecting and revealing yourself first in order to show that it’s safe to share areas that you find to be personal weaknesses.
- You ask the question again to circle back and open the conversation up to them.
Don’t be afraid to go into your own issues, too.
“When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner.” – Sheryl Sandberg
By answering their questions, you’ll show them you don’t believe you’re blameless or perfect. It proves you’re open to their questions and feelings, too. This will help create expectations and the foundation for equal and open communication.
In addition to the topics and conversations already addressed, here are more essential conversations to deepen and expand your relationships. Even answering these questions on your own and for yourself will be extremely illuminating, allowing you to get a clearer understanding of who you are and why you do, say, and act the way that you do.
Be sure to get the rest of the questions in order to fully, deeply, and honestly get to know your date before you get to “I do.”
When it comes to asking questions to determine compatibility, 24 questions might seem a bit too much. But this can help you understand and know your partner better, and also strengthen your relationship. These questions are perfect to determine compatibility, as they are not interrogative but expressive. It will make your partner feel like you are trying to get to know him and not like he is sitting for an examination!
Written by Laurel House
Originally Published on Yourtango