Breakups are always tough and painful, and sometimes potentially you might see yourself playing the victim after your breakup.
Be honest – are you playing the victim after your breakup?
Sure, your person has left you and you are alone, devastated, and that is a truly horrible thing. And perhaps you are convinced that your person is a horrible person to just walk out on you even though nothing was wrong. Perhaps you are telling yourself that you are the victim in all of this.
Now, I am not saying that you haven’t been blindsided and hurt deeply – this is how it is at the end of a relationship. But I would argue that perhaps what you are telling yourself isn’t, in fact, true and that if you continue to play the victim in your breakup, if you continue to take no responsibility for its demise, then it will take much longer to heal.
Let me explain why…
1. You will retain your power
When my ex decided he didn’t want to be married to me anymore, I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that my marriage of 18 years was over. And, believe me, the instinct to curl up in a ball and give up was strong. And, to be honest, I did for a while.
And then I met a woman who had already been through a divorce and she changed my life. She told me that it was important to pick my head up and figure out how to move forward. She told me that I had to move out of our family home and bring everything that was important to me with me. She encouraged me to find a lawyer and make a plan for what I wanted my next steps to be. She encouraged me to keep talking and being honest with my kids about what was going on. And she encouraged me to love me in spite of the fact that my soon-to-be-ex no longer did.
Are you looking to reclaim your power after a breakup? Read 7 Important Things You Must Know About Healing after A Divorce Or Breakup
These things she taught me were the best things I ever learned. I wanted, more than anything, to just give up. Instead, I took a good look at what I wanted my life to look like and how to get it and I set out to do just that.
I found a therapist and a lawyer and, with their help, defined who I was and what I wanted the rest of my life to look like. Instead of waiting for my ex to file for divorce, I did it. I stood up for myself during our divorce negotiations and got what I needed to move forward and be safe. I spent many hours talking to my kids about what was going on to that they could understand and move forward as well.
By doing all of those things, by not lying down and letting my ex run roughshod over me, by not feeling sorry for myself that I was being abandoned, by not blaming him for everything but understanding my own part in the divorce, I was able to retain my power and get what I needed to move forward and be happy.
2. You will be able to make a change.
When I worked with my therapist around what had happened in my marriage, I learned a lot about myself and my role in its demise.
Right after my husband left me I spent a lot of time angry at him for walking away without making an effort to fix our marriage. We had a family and history and had made vows and he had just walked away.
With time, however, I was able to see that, while I didn’t walk away from our marriage, I did play a role in its demise.