How To Let Go Of Someone You Are Desperately Trying To Hold On To

Do you know what happens when you desperately hold on to someone you really need to let go of? When you hold on to the idea of “us” and refuse to see the reality for what it is? You force the person you love the most in the world to hate you. You compel them to resent you. And in this process, you hurt yourself more than the other person did. This is why it’s crucial that we talk about how to let go of someone you don’t want to lose.

No one wants to let go of love

Especially when it’s the real deal. Especially when you’ve been told you are not worthy of love all your life. And this one person comes into your life and completely changes it. No, not in a narcissistic love-bombing way. But with genuine love and care. The same love and care that you had always yearned for but never got. It felt weird at first. You didn’t believe that it was real. You thought you were being played. 

But as time passed and they loved you more and more, you knew it was what all those romantic novels and movies talked about. Pure magic. So you put your guards down and you gave in. You believed all his promises. You believed it every time he said “I love you”. You felt it. And it completely changed your life. For the first time, you realized what it felt to be loved. To be valued. To be seen and heard. To be happy. 

But then it happened. Years down the line, when you thought life was perfect. When you became comfortable and complacent. That’s when the red flags started getting raised. You could feel this indescribable fear in your gut. But you didn’t know what it was. So you ignored it. And then you ignored it some more, until you couldn’t. 

That’s when you saw it in his eyes – love for someone else. That’s when you realized the person you called your own, wasn’t yours anymore. It felt like someone threw you out of your own home. A home you built with your bare hands. And you didn’t know where else to go in this big, bad world. 

Related: 5 Ways To Know When It’s Time To Break Up With Someone

Fear, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and pain stood smiling outside the fence. So you chose desperation. You hastily knocked on the door of your home – “Please let me in. Don’t throw me out. Please. I beg you. I have nowhere else to go. Everyone is out here to hurt me. Please don’t do this. You’re all I have. Let me in. Please let me in.”

So he opened the door. He let you in. and you breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank god!,” you told yourself. “I will never let you go again. I will love you even more. I will work harder to make you happier. I will fix everything. Just don’t throw me out again. Please. That was so scary.”

But you didn’t realize that your home was already broken. And he had no interest in living in this broken home. He wanted to leave but you held his hand tightly. You refused to see all the cracks, molds, shattered windows and broken doors. The home you were thrown out of was not the same home you were allowed back into. “No, no! It can’t be. I can fix it.” But you can’t. 

You thought he let you back in because he still loves you. But all it was just pity. To him, now you are nothing but a baggage of the past. Something he is being compelled to carry. That’s not love. That compulsion. That’s manipulation. That’s emotional blackmail. And that’s not what you want. 

So you opened your eyes and stepped out of your broken home and into the big bad world outside. You stepped out of your idea of “us” and finally stepped into reality. A reality where your relationship is over. 

But you are lost and confused. Abandoned and alone. How do you navigate this big bad world all by yourself? How do you protect yourself when everyone out here is looking to hurt you? Where do you go when you can’t see him anywhere anymore?

You start by finding yourself. You start by asking yourself “Hey, you okay?” You start by taking a deep breath and reminding yourself “I can do this.”

How to let go of someone you really don’t want to lose

1. Stop running away from the truth

Don’t fool yourself. Don’t hold onto hope when there is none. Don’t ignore your instincts. Listen to your higher self…it knows the truth. Stop living in denial and look at your relationship for what it truly is. Yes, it will be hard. It will break you. You will shout. You will scream. You will be angry like never before. You will be hurt like never before.

But have the courage to open your eyes and look at the truth. Accept it instead of denying it. Walk to it instead of running away from it. Make the truth your own. Then and only then, the truth will set you free. Free from all the pain and anger.

2. Don’t demand explanations

“How could you do this to me? I did everything for you. How can you leave me? How can you not love me anymore? What did I do wrong? What was my fault? What does she have that I don’t? Wasn’t I good enough? Wasn’t my love enough to make you happy?”

No matter what he tells you, you will never be satisfied with his answers. Because you’re not asking to hear the truth. You are not asking to understand. You are asking to blame him for all the pain he caused you. You are asking to find loopholes to hold him back. 

Don’t seek closure. Sometimes people just fall out of love. People change. Situations change. Relationships change. When you accept the truth, you realize that it’s okay. It’s all okay. You realize that him not loving you anymore doesn’t change your love for him. You realize how much you truly love him that you are willing to let him go just to see him happy. 

Don’t fight. Don’t argue. Don’t ask hundreds of questions. Don’t lose it. Don’t seek closure. Only the truth. If you have to, talk. Talk to understand. Be more mature. That’s how to let go of someone you love.

Related: Why Sometimes Letting Go Must Happen In Stages

3. Sit with yourself

You need yourself the most now. He is gone. Your relationship is over. You are abandoned and alone. Don’t abandon yourself. Talk to yourself. Put every emotion into words. Speak it out loud to yourself. Say what you are feeling. Every ounce of anger, pain, desperation, obsession, love, hatred…everything. Say it in words. 

Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself being hurt. Being angry. Being broken. Listen to everything you say to yourself. Listen to understand. If you won’t listen to yourself, who will? And when you do, it will bring self-awareness and self-realization.

4. Let the pain go

Don’t hold onto it. He is already gone. Now let him go and let your pain go. This is the most devastating stage and I will not sugarcoat it – this stage, right here, it will hurt like hell. You will feel the absolute worst the moment you decide to truly let him go.

As the realization sets in and as you accept the fact that your relationship is over, as you let go of the idea of “us”, your entire existence will shatter. But accept it. Allow yourself to break. Only then you will find the strength to rebuild yourself. 

As the old Buddhist saying goes, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional, or something like that. Live that. Live through the pain and decide that you don’t have to suffer. And the moment you do this, the moment you accept the death of your relationship, the moment you let go of him – you will have an epiphany.

Suddenly and out of nowhere, all the weight will be lifted. All the pain will be gone. And you will be illuminated by love. Love for him, love for yourself and love for something greater than all of us. This is how to let go of someone.

5. Don’t look for love somewhere else

Don’t be desperate to be loved. Your self-esteem is broken. Your confidence has been kicked in the face. You are desperate to feel worthy of love. So you decide to look for options – someone who is available to make you feel loved again. Feel worthy again. But don’t.

Being left, abandoned and rejected is one of the worst experiences in life. But this is not the time to replace what you had with something that’s not even worth it. Your desperation will take you down a dark path that you will only regret eventually. Don’t jump into rebound relationships. Don’t seek revenge. Don’t try to make him jealous.

If it’s over, it’s over. Let it end. Stay in the void. Stay in the darkness. Stay in the pain. Let it break you. Let it destroy you. Let it mold you into a new person. Let it make you stronger and wiser. Tolerate it. Don’t run from it. Don’t seek cheap thrills or distractions. Stay with yourself. Stay in the pain.

6. Now the hardest part

Love yourself. I am not going to lecture you much about loving yourself as I struggle with it myself. But you can find many other resources online about self-love that can help you with this stage. 

The only thing I will tell you is to be your most authentic self. Don’t force yourself to change. Don’t pretend to be stronger when you are hurting. Don’t pretend like you don’t care when you are still deeply in love with him.

Be yourself. If you were a fool in love, so be it. Be a fool. A fool who is not desperate. A fool who doesn’t manipulate or force someone to love them. A fool who has the strength to let go even though it breaks their heart. Be who you are. Not your anger. Not your fear or insecurities. Not your pain. Just you. Your most authentic self. 

And hey, you may not be good enough for him or anyone else, but you are always good enough for yourself. Be good enough for yourself then. And just be. 

“So what if I am a loser? I like myself just the way I am. So what if you don’t love me anymore? I love myself just the way I am.”

Related: How To Let Go Of Someone You Love Who’s Not Good For You: 15 Tips

7. Stay in love

Back to square one, are we? Yup! Everything begins and ends with love. Love is above everything else no matter what you go through. When you truly accept the truth, when you truly let him go, when you truly love yourself, your love for him will transform into unconditional love. A love that wishes him well. A love that wants to see him happy, even if it is not with you. A love that will fill your heart with healing and happiness.

Letting him go doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him. I mean, you can let go of that love too, if you want to. But if it lingers in your heart for a little while, let it. Don’t force it to go away. Loving someone is never a bad thing. It’s never wrong as long as you don’t force them to choose you. 

Choose love. Love is amazing. Love will help you realize how to let go of someone you are desperately holding on to.

8. Surrender

To whoever or whatever you believe in. Whatever spiritual or divine power you feel connected to. You may call it by whatever name you want – Christ, Krishna, Allah, Buddha, Supreme Being, Universe or whatever name you choose. Surrender. If spirituality is not your thing, then surrender to love. Let it guide you. Let it show you the way forward.

When you feel lost and broken, when you don’t know what else to do or where else to go, when you have no energy left, when you have no hope left… surrender! Have complete faith and surrender. Have patience, believe and watch the magic unfold. The silver lining will soon reveal itself.

By the way, by surrender I don’t mean give up. Surrendering to the universe means you allow the universe to guide you. To lead you to a better place. It means you have complete faith in the universe and that what happened has happened for your highest good. This has to be the best way to learn how to let go.

It’s okay

It’s okay to feel what you are feeling. It’s okay if you make mistakes. It’s okay to be desperate in love. It’s okay to try to hold on to the love of your life. It’s okay if letting go is a challenge for you. 

It’s okay to fight for your love. But you can only fight as long as you both love each other. The moment he falls out of love and you still keep fighting for it, you have already lost. Let him go. Let him be free. Let him be happy. Let yourself be free from all the pain and heartache. 

It’s okay. It’s okay if love doesn’t last forever. It’s okay if he leaves you. It’s okay to end things. It’s okay to let go. Cause when you allow things to end, when you let go, only then you can see the path you are supposed to take.

Related: Can You Let Go Of Love And Still Find Happiness?

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