Are You Dating an Emotional Predator? Signs of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths by Shahida Arabi
Dating an emotional predator such as a narcissist, a sociopath or psychopath is a devastating emotional roller coaster of highs and lows. Although many abusers tend to unfold and reveal their true selves long after they’ve already reeled their victims in, there are some key signs to look out for when dating someone that can foreshadow their future behavior.
It’s important to note that emotional predators are not those who act out of their pain occasionally; these are toxic people who intentionally and consciously hunt down victims and targets to fulfill their agenda. They have a chronic pattern of manipulation, deceit combined with a lack of empathy and remorse for their actions. What many people fail to understand is that this type of behavior is intentional, sadistic and often premeditated.
If these predators have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder, their lack of empathy is intrinsic to their disorder. The National Domestic Violence Hotline dispels the myth that an abuser’s mental illness, however, causes the abuse – because abusers do not abuse everyone – they usually choose to abuse their nearest and dearest.
In these cases, abuse is caused more so by a choice by an abuser rather than their mental illness. These individuals can “switch” their mask quickly when in the public eye. That means their abuse is under their conscious control and the abuser is still accountable for continuing to abuse others and not seeking treatment.
The predatory nature of these types of individuals has actually been well-documented and researched by experts such as Dr. Robert Hare, Lundy Bancroft, Dr. Martha Stout, therapist Christine Canon de Louisville and Dr. George Simon, many of whom have worked with these abusers and their victims as clients. All found that the abuse was deliberate and so was the manipulation. In fact, these researchers and advocates discovered that many abusers enjoyed and gained a sense of fulfillment out of manipulating others for their own gain.
The great thing about dating is that you are not committing to a relationship, so you can use this process as a way to find out more about a potential partner, and if necessary, cut ties should he or she turn out to have abusive traits without investing further in the relationship.
Here are some signs to look out for.
1) A need for control.
Abusers want to control and manipulate their victims, so they will find covert ways to maintain control over you psychologically. They can maintain this control in a diverse number of ways:
Excessive contact. Although many people don’t realize this, excessive flattery and attention from a charming manipulator is actually a form of control because it keeps you dependent on their praise. If you find yourself being bombarded with text messages, voicemails, calls and e-mails on an hourly basis in the early stages of dating, keep a lookout for other signs.
It might seem incredible that someone is so besotted with you after just one date, but it’s actually a red flag for dubious behavior and unwarranted attachment. It’s not normal to be in contact with someone 24/7 especially if you’ve only gone on a couple of dates with them. No one has the time to “check in” constantly with someone they’re “just” dating.
This form of contact is perfect for abusers to “check in” with you to see what you are up to, to make sure that you are suitably “hooked” to their attention, and is a form of “idealization” which will place you on a pedestal that at first, seems irresistible. Of course, if you’re familiar with the vicious abuse cycle of narcissists which include idealization, devaluation and discard, you’ll know that you’ll soon be thrust off the pedestal.
An unhealthy response to rejection or boundaries. Unlike dating partners who are simply excited to see you again and express their interest with polite enthusiasm, toxic partners will get considerably upset if you choose not to respond to them right away or if you resist their idealization by giving yourself necessary space. They won’t wait for your response, either: they will continue to persist and pursue you with an unhealthy level of attention without knowing much about you. This level of attentiveness is not actually “flattering” even though it may appear so initially – it’s downright creepy and dangerous. It reveals a sense of entitlement to your time and presence without regard for your personal preferences, desires or needs.
When you place boundaries with a potentially toxic partner, they will be sure to step over them. If you say no to coming home with them on a first date, for example, they may still continue pestering you despite knowing your reluctance. When your “no” always seems like a negotiation to someone you’re dating, beware. This means you’re in the presence of someone who does not respect your right to make your own choices and maintain your boundaries or values.
Physical aggression. As perpetual boundary-breakers, abusers can also overstep the physical space of their victims. This type of behavior may not come out until months into a relationship, but sometimes abusers can be physically aggressive with you just a few dates in. Grabbing you too harshly, pushing you during an argument or conflict, violating your personal boundaries in any way, pressuring you for sex, touching you inappropriately without consent is a red flag that must be heeded. It’s a sign that things will only get worse in the future.
This physical aggression may happen under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, so you’re not quite sure what to make of it except that you feel threatened and unsafe. Don’t attempt to justify this if it happens with or without the involvement of alcohol – alcohol may lower inhibitions, but it doesn’t cause personality transplants. It’s very likely that the abuser is revealing his or her true behavior even while claiming that the “drink” made him or her do it.
Mistreatment of others. Even if the abuser idealizes you quite convincingly in the early stages of dating, you may witness his or her behavior towards others as a red flag of future behavior. For example, is he or she rude to the waiter or waitress on your date? Does he or she get excessively angry if another person flirts with you, talks to you or hits on you in front of them? How about the way they talk about others? If they call their ex a “crazy psychopath” and include a whole range of expletives about their annoying coworker, recognize that these are toxic temper issues which you will eventually be on the receiving end of.
Demonstration of unwarranted anger is an incredibly important tactic that abusers use to 1) preserve their self-image and their ego, 2) project blame onto others, 3) take back control by recreating a “version of events” that makes them look superior and saintly and 4) evoke fear and intimidate others into doing what they want.