How To Spot A Narcissist: 7 Subtle Signs

 / 

,
how to spot a narcissist

Narcissists are experts at deceiving and tricking people with their mind games and toxicity. However, if you look a bit carefully you will see signs that will help you spot a narcissist. Read on to know how to spot a narcissist.

Narcissists can be beguiling and charismatic. In fact, one study showed that their likable veneer was only penetrable after seven meetings. But you don’t want to fall in love with one. Over time you can end up feeling ignored, uncared about, and unimportant.

Typically, a narcissistโ€™s criticism, demands, and emotional unavailability increase, while your confidence and self-esteem decrease. You’ll try harder, but despite pleas and efforts, the narcissist appears to lack consideration for your feelings and needs.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) occurs more in men than women. As described in โ€œDo You Love a Narcissist?โ€ someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and seeks admiration from others, as indicated by five of these summarized characteristics:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents.

2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Requires excessive admiration.

4. Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or of high-status people (or institutions).

5. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

6. Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance from others.

7. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends.

8. Envies others or believes theyโ€™re envious of him or her.

9. Has โ€œan attitudeโ€ of arrogance or acts that way.

Related: Signs of A Female Narcissist: 7 Ways To Spot Them

How To Spot A Narcissist?

Basically, what this looks and feels like is someone who puts him or herself above all others. However, you might not notice it at first. Here’re signs on how to spot a narcissist:

1) Seeking Admiration.

Narcissists often like to talk about themselves and your job is to be a good audience. They may never ask about you, and if you offer something about yourself, the conversation quickly returns to them. You might start to feel invisible, bored, annoyed, or drained.

On the other hand, many narcissists are charming, beautiful, talented, or successful. So, you may be entranced by their good looks, seduction, or fabulous stories. Beware that some narcissists who excel at seduction may act very interested in you, but that wanes over time. Flattery is also a means to allure you and one of the signs to spot a narcissist.

2) Feeling Grandiose and Special.

Not only do they want to be the center of attention, but they also brag about their accomplishments, trying to impress you. When you first meet, you may not know the extent of their exaggeration, but it’s likely the case. If they haven’t yet achieved their goals, they may brag about how they will, or how they should have more recognition or success than they do. They do this because they need constant validation, appreciation, and recognition. Grandiosity is one of the biggest signs on how to spot a narcissist.

Because they like to associate with high status, they may name-drop celebrities or public figures then know. Similarly, they may drive an expensive car and wear designer clothes, brag about their school, and want to go to the best restaurants. This may dazzle you, just like their charm, but it’s really a symptom of their need for an attractive facade to hide the emptiness underneath. A simple, intimate restaurant you prefer won’t meet their standards or provide them the public visibility they seek.

Want to know more about how you can spot a narcissist? Check this video out below!

Spot a Narcissist

3) Lacking Empathy.

Although some people who aren’t narcissists lack empathy, this trait is a crucial and determining symptom when combined with a sense of entitlement and exploitation. Notice their expression when describing sad stories or reaction to yours and that’s how to spot a narcissist. Do they lack empathy for the hardships of others and in particular your own needs? I once told a narcissist I wouldn’t be able to travel to meet him due to a back injury. I was shocked by his insensitive reply: “You wouldn’t let a little back pain keep you.”

Simple examples are rudeness, not listening, walking ahead of you, ordering what you should eat, ignoring your boundaries, taking calls when you’re talking to them. Admittedly, these are minor things any one of them alone may not be significant, but they add up to paint a picture of someone who doesn’t care about you, and will behave that way on bigger issues.

Theyโ€™re not comfortable with vulnerability – theirs or others, and are emotionally unavailable. In time, you’ll notice they keep you at a distance because theyโ€™re afraid if you get too close, you wonโ€™t like what you see.

4) Feeling Entitled.

A sense of entitlement reveals how narcissists believe theyโ€™re the center of the universe. They’re not only special and superior but also deserve special treatment. Rules donโ€™t apply to them. They may not just want, but expect a plane or cruise ship to wait for them. If they’re convicted, it’s everyone else’s fault, or the law is wrong. You should also accommodate their needs – stock their favorite treats in your car, like what they like, and meet at their convenience on their timetable.

A relationship with this person will be painfully one-sided, not a two-way street. Narcissists are interested in getting what they want and making the relationship work for them. Your purpose is to serve their needs and wants.

Related: The 6 Types of Narcissists: How To Spot And Cope With Each Of Them

5) Exploiting Others.

You may not spot this trait until you get to know a narcissist better, but if you start to feel used, it may be because you’re being exploited. An example is someone taking credit for your work. A woman (or man) may feel used for sex, or for as arm candy if a narcissist shows no interest in her as a person. A man (or woman) may feel used if he gives money to a narcissist or provides her services. 

Manipulation is a form of covert aggression to influence you to do their bidding. Narcissists are masters of it. To many, dating is an art of game-playing. Whether or not it’s an “intimate relationship,” narcissists usually aren’t concerned about the other person, their feelings, wants, or needs. (Read “How to Tell if a Narcissist Loves You.” When relationships feel one-sided, givers feel exploited. They are because they allow it, and don’t set boundaries.

More serious exploitation involves lying, gas-lighting, cheating, and fraud involving financial and business dealing. These may include legal violations. You might not see this coming, but a narcissist might brag how he put one over on someone he took advantage of. Someone who had an affair may not be a narcissist, but a pattern of lying might be a symptom of several narcissistic traits. Other more obvious signs will show up.

6) Envying Others.

Narcissists want to be the first and best and don’t like their competitors. They want what they have. Instead of being happy for others’ successes, they feel envy. They may tear down the person they envy and say how the person doesn’t deserve what they have. Narcissistic parents do this with their own children and partners! They project and believe other people are envious of them. When someone has a good reason to criticize or not like them, narcissists will dismiss their complaints as envy, because they are so great – and they can’t tolerate criticism.

7) Feeling Arrogant.

Narcissists act superior because deep down they feel inferior. They may put down other people, classes, ethnic groups, or races. Notice how they treat people who serve them, such as waiters and doormen, while sucking up to people of influence. Their critical comments are usually tinged with disdain and are often rude, attacking the individual and not just complaining about the service. It may come out in abrupt anger or covert hostility. This gives you a glimpse of how they will treat you when they know you better.

They typically believe they’re infallible and always right in any conversation. You might feel interrogated or steamrolled in a debate or that your words are twisted. Narcissists never take responsibility (unless it’s for a success), rarely apologize, and frequently blame others for misunderstandings or when things go wrong. Their hostility can take various forms of narcissistic abuse.

Listen to how they talk about their past relationships. Do they act like the victim and still seethe with resentment?

Related: 3 Ways Narcissists and Sociopaths Manipulate To Gain Control Over You

Beware of Falling for a Narcissist

Relationships with narcissists are usually painful and can be emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. If you’re the son or daughter of a narcissistic parent, you’re more susceptible to falling for one, because they feel familiar – like family. Once attached and in love, it’s not easy to leave. Divorcing a narcissist can be costly not only financially, but emotionally frightening and exhausting.

On the other hand, you may feel devastated if you’re rejected and/or replaced. If you’re already involved with a narcissist, read Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. Email me to join my mailing list for a more extensive “Checklist of Narcissistic Behaviors.”

ยฉ Darlene Lancer 2018


Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT
How to Spot a Narcissist
How to Spot a Narcissist: 7 Subtle Signs
how to spot a narcissist pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

How To Deal With An Obsessive Ex That Won’t Leave You Alone: 5 Steps You Can Take

How To Deal With Obsessive Ex: Urgent Steps You Can Take

Dealing with an obsessive ex is one of the most horrible experiences one can go through. What are the best ways to handle obsessive people? What are the effective steps you can take when it comes to dealing with an obsessive ex? Let’s find out!

There are certain people who just canโ€™t handle being dumped. They go crazy. They hate losing their โ€œcontrolโ€ and โ€œpowerโ€ over their partners.

Recently my good friend ended an abusive relationship. Thankfully he realised he was in a relationship with a narcissist and that his only way forward was without her. Soon after the relationship ended, he found a new partner โ€” he was ecstatic, he was just about to ride off into the sunset with his sweetheart.

There was one issue โ€” his e



Up Next

7 Signs Someone Is Projecting Onto You: Are You Bearing Someone Else’s Burden?

Signs Someone Is Projecting Their Emotional Baggage On You

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and it felt like they were accusing you of things that didn’t seem like you? It’s as if they’re dumping their own issues on you, leaving you scratching your head, wondering what is happening. Well, this is just one of the many signs someone is projecting their emotional baggage on you.

You’re gradually realizing that you are being blamed for things that’re not your fault at all. You are being accused to be the kind of person you are not. It’s as though they’re running their private movie theater, and you’ve become their projection screen.

But before we get int



Up Next

Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic

Dog Whistling Narcissist: Covert Ways They Manipulate You

Have you ever had the feeling that when you are talking to someone, there’s a hidden message they’re trying to get across to you? A message that feels insulting, condescending and hurtful? If you answered yes, then you are dealing with a dog whistling narcissist, my friend.

These people are experts at sending subtle messages that are extremely hurtful and humiliating, but only you understand it, not anyone else. When a narcissist uses dog whistling, their main motive is to manipulate you and keep you under their control. They’ll use it to dominate you, and put you down, while pretending to be harmless.

But what is dog whistling, and how narcissists use dog whistling? Let’s find out, shall we?



Up Next

8 Powerful Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting With Confidence

Powerful Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting With Confidence

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you felt like everything you are saying or feeling is being dismissed and invalidated, even though you know you’re right? If you answered yes, then you were subjected to gaslighting. If you have experienced this, then remember these 8 phrases to shut down gaslighting like a boss.

When someone makes you question your reality, it can feel extremely frustrating and depressing. Weโ€™ve all been there at some point. These little digs can make you feel like youโ€™re on thin ice, be it from a friend, family member or that one co-worker.

But hey, you’ve come to the



Up Next

The Emotionally Absent Mother: Overcoming Her Legacy And Healing From The Wounds

The Emotionally Absent Mother: Healing From The Wounds

Having an emotionally absent mother can take a heavy toll on your mental and emotional well-being, and that too from a very young age. This article is going to explore what it means to have an emotionally unavailable mother, how her emotional absence can affect you and how to heal from it and move on.

Growing up with a mother who wasnโ€™t emotionally available may have complicated your relationship with your emotions. Our early experiences of emotional attunement play an important part in the subsequent regulation of our emotions.

An emotionally absent mother may fail to develop the kind of satisfying attachment bonds in her children that make sustaining ordinary relationships possible.



Up Next

Is It Love Or A Trap? 10 Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing

Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing: Love Or Trap?

Have you ever experienced the turbulent side of love, that comes from falling head over heels for someone? The butterflies in your stomach, the passion you feel, and the feeling of being swept off your feet – feels amazing, doesn’t it? But what if I told you that behind this seemingly perfect faรงade lies something dark and sinister? What if I told you these are warning signs of love bombing?

Welcome to the dark world of love bombing; a psychological tactic used by manipulative people to gain control over your mind and heart. In this article, we will talk about what does love bombing mean, and the signs you are being love bombed.

Let’s get started first with what does love bombing mean, shal



Up Next

Surviving Toxic Friendships: 15 Shocking Signs Of An Abusive Friend You Can’t Afford To Ignore

Signs of an Abusive Friend: Surviving Toxic Friendships

Do you feel like your BFF is jealous of you? Do they constantly criticize and always try to influence your decisions? Are they always around when they need a favor from you, but immediately disappear when you need support? Then it is likely you have a toxic, abusive friend. Let us explore the signs of an abusive friend and how to deal with an abusive friend.

A friendship is one of the most authentic and purest forms of relationships we can experience as it is not bound by blood or any compulsion. Friendships are born out of mutual respect, support, companionship and happiness. Our friends support us and pick us up when we are down and guide us when we stray too far.

However, some individuals use the mask of friendship simply to exploit, dominate and abuse us. They pretend to be our friends as long as we are of use to them and freque