7 Ways Narcissistic Parents Keep You Emotionally Starved In The Name Of Emotional Independence

Sometimes you grow up learning how to be emotionally independent a little too early. Especially, when you have been raised by narcissistic parents, and I know how difficult it even feels to admit that…but you were made to become the “strong” and “understanding” one. The one who doesn’t ask for much.

And, over time, it almost starts feeling natural to handle your emotions alone. Maybe you don’t even notice or realize this at first. You just become someone who finds it hard to ask for comfort, automatically saying “I’m fine,” while dealing with all your heavy emotions privately because that’s what has always felt easier. 

And while you may make it look like strength from the outside, its core is actually rooted in growing up emotionally unseen for far too long. There comes a quiet kind of emotional emptiness that you cannot really explain to others.

Let’s learn more about the ways it comes from how narcissistic parents subtly give you an emotionally starved childhood and not real independence.

7 Ways Narcissistic Parents Preach Emotional Starvation, Not Independence

1. You Were Praised More For “Not Needing Anyone” Than For Expressing Feelings

More often than not, as children of narcissistic parents, you grow up believing that being “independent” and “not needing anyone” can earn you praise. Because as a child, it did. 

Even though it came at the cost of learning how your emotional needs took up too much space. The less emotional support you asked for, the more “mature” or “easy” you were treated. 

So you slowly started associating your own and even sometimes others’ emotional needs with being difficult, dramatic or disappointing.

2. Your Feelings Were Always Made To Feel Like An Inconvenience

When you’re raised by emotionally neglectful parents, every time you tried opening up about “your” feelings, the conversation somehow became about “their” stress, “their” struggles or how “sensitive” you were being. 

Over time, you learned that emotionally shrinking yourself would be a safer choice before anyone could ever dismiss you again. You got accustomed to feeling that sense of emotional starvation.

Your own reality was presented to you with a gaslighted version where their behavior only got counted as a way of building “your character” and teaching you “tough love”. But the truth is, it was just a way of equating their neglect and emotional unavailability.

Read More Here: The Scapegoat Child: 5 Reasons Why Narcissistic Parents Choose One Child To Break First\

3. You Learned To Self-Soothe Everything Way Too Early

As children of narcissistic parents, you may have spent so much of your life being the emotionally strong one that you never stopped to ask yourself why seeking softness from others feels unfamiliar to you in the first place. 

Why does needing reassurance come with a feeling of a sting in your chest? Why do you, almost instinctively, pull back when in reality you want that comfort the most? 

Sometimes, you don’t even realize how such an unhealthy pattern of independence has embedded itself in your core as a result of your emotionally starved childhood. It gets built inside homes where your ability to show and need vulnerability is never fully felt safe.

4. Narcissistic Parents Confuse Your Ideas Of Emotional Distance With Strength

One of the most painful lessons learned by you as a trait of children of narcissistic parents is probably how they confuse your ideas of emotional strength with that of distance. 

At some point, you simply stopped expecting emotional support from your parents and started telling yourself you just didn’t need it. 

You learned how to process all of your hurt alone since the very beginning- even as a child. You have always calmed yourself down alone and carried those difficult feelings quietly without making them visible to others. 

5. You Were Expected To Understand Their Emotions – But Yours Were Rarely Understood

You were made to become emotionally aware of everyone else’s moods, triggers and reactions. It was almost as if your survival depended on it. 

But somewhere in the middle of constantly understanding others, you did not even realize when you had stopped feeling emotionally understood yourself. 

In a healthy dynamic, parents are the ones to emotionally support their children. But narcissistic parents flip this dynamic and expect you to comfort them, listen to their problems, manage their emotional well-being – leaving zero space for your own.

Read More Here: Children Of Narcissistic Parents: The Challenge of ‘Reparenting’ Yourself

6. Love Often Felt Conditional On How “Easy” You Were To Handle

You remember receiving more approval when you have stayed agreeable and emotionally low-maintenance or quiet about your hurt. 

And because of that, asking for emotional care even as an adult still feels uncomfortable or guilt-inducing. They constantly picked apart your choices, achievements, in fact, your overall appearance, all under the guise of “wanting the best for you”. 

This constant stream of subtle criticism makes your self-esteem low so that you remain dependent on them for approval.

7. You Started Believing Vulnerability Would Only Be Used Against You

With narcissistic parents, your emotions always get mocked, minimized or later brought up during arguments. 

So now, opening up emotionally even to someone else may feel less like safety and more like you exposing yourself to further damaging impact.

You have seen even love and affection be given to you in a transactional manner. It was given to you as a reward for obedience, for acting exactly the way they needed or wanted you to. Anything else got used against you.

How To Deal With Emotional Starvation

Dealing with narcissistic parents traits makes you adapt yourself to their ways of emotional starvation rather than your own understanding of emotions. Healing from it requires active, intentional steps:

• Start noticing where you emotionally abandon yourself just to stay “fine.”
• Practice asking for small emotional support even if you feel that conditioned guilt for it.
• Remember to not treat hyper-independence as your only acceptable form of strength.
• Pay attention to who makes you feel emotionally safe – not emotionally guarded.
• Learn the difference between your healthy self-soothing and emotionally isolating yourself.

It isn’t easy. But slowly, you start to heal. And that’s a feeling I believe is worth pursuing. What about you? Share your insights in the comments.

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