Breakup Guilt: How To Get Over Breakup Anxiety And Move On?

Written By:

Written By:

breakup guilt get over breakup anxiety and move on 2

When thinking about life, remember this: no amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future. Breakups are similar. Relationships end for many reasons. But the feeling of being responsible for your partnerโ€™s well-beingย makes it difficult for you to get over the breakup anxiety and move on.

When your head says you need to break up a relationship or you have broken up a relationship but your heart is pulling you back and flooding you with guilt over it.

I hear this a lot, especially from people who have been in relationships that are dysfunctional and/or abusive relationships. Their head tells them this relationship is not good for them, but they just canโ€™t shake off the feelings of guilt.

Itโ€™s complex.
It may be guilt over the fact that โ€œIโ€™ve failedโ€.
I failed to fix that relationship.
I did everything I could but nothing fixed that relationship.

Itโ€™s guilt over: I couldnโ€™t rescue my partner.

Often in relationships like this, the emotionally abusive or dysfunctional partner has deep childhood wounds and difficult past relationships or whatever it is they tell you is the cause of their pain and insecurity.

You see them and feel: I can be enough for both of us. If I love them enough, I can show them theyโ€™re worthy of love. I can love them more than anyone has ever loved them ever before.

So when it breaks down, you feel guilt over the fact youโ€™ve failed. Your love wasnโ€™t enough to save them. You also feel guilt youโ€™ve failed your children because you couldnโ€™t keep the family together.

Anxiety Over A Breakup And Guilt

breakup

There is a lot of deep-seated anxiety over leaving that relationship. But it goes even deeper than that. Often when weโ€™re in these dysfunctional relationships, weโ€™re spending most of the time trying to fix them and save the relationship.

We are so full of empathy and care for their needs at the expense of our own. We take on more responsibility for that relationship than we should. We become their mother, their therapist, and their shoulder to cry on.

And thatโ€™s not what a healthy relationship is about.

A narcissist will manipulate this too in a codependent relationship. Itโ€™s convenient for them to have you take on most of the burden of the relationship. That way they can blame you when things go wrong.

Read How A Narcissist Plays You And How Their Cycle Of Abuse Works

They tell you theyโ€™re going to get help and change as a means to get you back and once they have, it all goes out the window. Youโ€™ll get blamed for not being โ€˜supportive enoughโ€™. If youโ€™re their therapist and that therapy doesnโ€™t work, then itโ€™s your fault.

You just canโ€™t win.

So, quite often this breakup guilt is tied up with the role youโ€™ve been playing. This feeling of guilt youโ€™ve failed to make that relationship work.

Why are you a failure?

Youโ€™re not responsible for another adultโ€™s moods and behavior or for their happiness.
You are not their parent.
They are an adult.
You are not their therapist.
You are not responsible.

Neither are you to blame even if itโ€™s convenient for them to put that responsibility onto you so they donโ€™t have to take action or be accountable for their behavior.

Now it goes even deeper than this.

Related video:

Codependent Relationships

We often go into dysfunctional relationships so that we can play the role of rescuer, fixer, and savior. We deny all our own needs in favor of theirs. But this can be an avoidance technique.

A way to numb ourselves from seeing that actually, itโ€™s us that needs rescuing and saving.

Bear with me here โ€ฆ Iโ€™ll try to explain this.

Read Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers

While I thought my ex was needier and more damaged than I even realized I was, I was able to convince myself there was nothing wrong with me. But I was codependent and my happiness depended on him and that relationship. When I couldnโ€™t fix him, save our relationship, or keep our family together, I felt a huge sense of guilt.

If your self-worth and sense of self-esteem are tied up to that relationship and the rescue of it, then thereโ€™s a deep sense of shame and failure attached to when you canโ€™t. But by going into a relationship with a very damaged, needy, and emotionally unavailable person, from the beginning youโ€™re setting yourself up to fail.

So, itโ€™s worth looking at your role in dysfunctional relationships as well. I promise Iโ€™m not victim-blaming here. Yes, theyโ€™re to blame if thereโ€™s coercive control and abuse involved. Yes, you are a victim if there is. But there are also things about us that we can take responsibility for.

I found that quite liberating because once I realized I couldnโ€™t change him or save the relationship, it followed that what was within my grasp was that I could change me.

That was far less exhausting. And also possible.

I had to look hard at the role I had played. There was a part of me that went into that relationship with someone needy and damaged because I felt I could have some control. When I was playing the role of his therapist and savior it made me feel wanted, needed, and loved. I felt secure.

But the more this revealed weakness in him, the more insecure he would feel. He needed to gain control over me again. The more he suppressed and controlled me, the more powerful heโ€™d feel. But then it would tip over the edge into abuse and physical violence and heโ€™d fear he was about to lose me.

I stepped back into the role of therapist and tried to help him, as he vowed to change. Subconsciously I thought that if I am with someone whoโ€™s needy and damaged and be the one who healed his wounds, heโ€™ll never leave me.

And that felt good. Because, I know now, I secretly had a fear of abandonment. I was terrified of that.

So why not pick a guy whoโ€™s got issues of his own? He wonโ€™t abandon me because he needs me so much as his rescuer and therapist. But thatโ€™s not the path to lasting happiness. I always say that painful emotions are messengers to teach us about ourselves.

Read 8 Ways Your Fear and Insecurity Is Sabotaging Your Relationship

So, ask yourself, why are these feelings of guilt stirring inside of me? Could it be that you feel: Iโ€™m not good enough. Iโ€™m wasnโ€™t lovable enough for them to change for me.

The fact is, they might never change and that has nothing to do with you.

Because theyโ€™re like an empty bucket with holes inside. If theyโ€™re depending on you, leaning on you to make them happy and fulfill all their needs, you canโ€™t and you never will. The more you try to prove to them, the more your efforts will just keep draining out of those holes.

And if you do the same as I did, which is to focus on fixing them to avoid being still within yourself, youโ€™ll never heal. It might be an uncomfortable truth to face that deep down you donโ€™t feel good enough. You donโ€™t feel worthy or lovable enough to have a relationship with someone who is emotionally available to you. I didnโ€™t.

My fear of abandonment was so great, that when I found a man like this it terrified me. I couldnโ€™t control him. He didnโ€™t have the need for my fixing or rescuing him. I couldnโ€™t cope with that, so I tried to push him away.

Emotional availability revealed my vulnerability.

Subconsciously I thought: what if he sees the real me who is unlovable and unworthy? Heโ€™ll run a mile and I will be abandoned, which is my greatest fear. So, Iโ€™m gonna push him away first before he breaks up with me and hurts me.

Itโ€™s a really complex lot of emotions and feelings that get bundled up in this breakup guilt. Another thing is a desperate need for closure.

You get pulled back because you want closure and for them to admit you are lovable and that everything you did for them was in their best interests and out of love.

But again I ask: why do you need that?
Because chances are youโ€™re looking to outside sources to validate you and give you approval. In a way, you too are like an empty bucket with holes in.

Read Why You Donโ€™t Need Closure To Move On

How To Let Go Of Breakup Guilt

You need to find that happiness and sense of security from within instead of looking to them for it. Especially someone who is incapable of giving you this.

Self-esteem, self-worth, and self-acceptance are key. The bottom line is, you havenโ€™t failed. You have nothing to be blamed for or feel guilty about. Sometimes, you just have to accept that you canโ€™t fix another person or a relationship.

And if theyโ€™re not willing to put the years of hard work into it well then ask yourself:

Are they good enough for you anyway?
Are you projecting onto them?
Are you stopping yourself from moving forward and on with your life because youโ€™re clinging onto the hope that one day theyโ€™re going to mean it when they say Iโ€™m going to change?

If thatโ€™s the case Iโ€™d ask yourself this: what does unconditional love mean? It means loving somebody for exactly who they are right now.

Do you love them AND like them just the way they are?
Are you happy to be in that relationship if they never, ever change?
Will you accept them for who they are and one day look back on that relationship with no regrets?

If youโ€™re wasting your life waiting and hoping for the day this fantasy person might come. You know, not the one they are now, but the person they might one day become in the future if you can just prove to them you love them enough.

You could be waiting for a lifetime. Lifeโ€™s too short and precious. Donโ€™t waste it hoping for closure that may never come.

Codependency Recovery

Dysfunctional relationships and abusive relationships are not normal healthy relationships. Iโ€™m sure you know that deep down. Listen to your gut.

Is this relationship good enough for you or not? If itโ€™s not and youโ€™ve made that decision to leave already then let go of that guilt. Itโ€™s a self-limiting belief. You have no need for it.

Replace this with positive affirmations and the belief that you are worthy. You are good enough. Youโ€™re more than good enough to deserve a healthy, loving, lasting relationship.

A companionship that enriches you and enhances your life into old age. This is what I have now. Well, not quite into old age yet, but middle-age! And it feels great. If I had clung to that fantasy and guilt for failing to fix my past abusive relationship, I would have missed out on the incredible opportunities, relationship, and life I have now.

Let go of breakup guilt. Forget closure you may never get. Keep moving forward and never look back.

Related: Motivation Such an Aggravation: Affirmations and How to Take Them


Written by Vivian Mc Grath
Originally appeared on VivianMcGrath.com
Breakup Guilt Get Over Move On pin
breakup guilt get over breakup anxiety and move on pin

— Share —

Published On:

Last updated on:

,

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Romance, Roast And Giggles: 50+ Best Relationship Jokes

Best Relationship Jokes That Prove Love is Hilarious!

Love is a rollercoaster, and when you have an arsenal of the best relationship jokes, it makes the ride even more fun! Be it a new romance, a long-term relationship, or you simply just adore some corny love jokes, these hilarious couple jokes will have you cracking up.

From dating disasters to hilarious marriage moments, relationships come with plenty of comedy material. Because letโ€™s be honestโ€”love isnโ€™t always candlelit dinners and sweet texts. Sometimes, itโ€™s forgetting anniversaries, stealing blankets, and arguing over where to eat.

So, hold on to your partner right, and enjoy these funny jokes about love!

Up Next

Break Up On Valentines Day? 16 Self-Care Tips When You’ve Been Un-Valentined

Break Up On Valentines Day? Self-Care Tips When You've Been Un-Valentined

The ultimate love fest is around the corner. For some, it’s the best day of the year, but for others, it’s when things fall apart. If youโ€™ve had a break up on valentines day or before, weโ€™ll give you some tips on how to mend your broken heart.

A breakup on the big day or before it, can feel like your entire world is falling apart and to be honest, itโ€™s the loneliest feeling ever because every tv commercial and nook and corner is filled with couples or about love.

So, we’ve got your back with a roadmap for handling break up on Valentine’s day and even thriving after. But before that let me tell you that this situation is not something youโ€™ll face alone, there are many more people whoโ€™ve got their heart broken as wellโ€ฆ

You’re Not

Up Next

7 Best On-Screen Couples Ranked by How Likely They Are to Stay Together

Best On-Screen Couples Ranked: Which Pair Will Last Forever?

Love on screen is pure magic. The stolen glances, the grand gestures, the dramatic reunions in the pouring rainโ€”itโ€™s the kind of romance that makes our hearts race and our eyes misty. But letโ€™s be honest, not all of these couples would actually last if they had to deal with, you know, real life. Bills? Stress? That annoying habit of leaving wet towels on the bed? Some of them would crumble faster than a rom-com breakup montage.

Thatโ€™s why weโ€™re taking a closer look at the best on-screen couples ranked โ€”but not just by chemistry or cuteness. No, no. Weโ€™re going deeper. Who would actually survive the test of time? Who would fight over the thermostat and call it quits? And who would grow old together, still making each other laugh after all these years?

Some love stories are built to last. Others? Wellโ€ฆ letโ€™s just say they be

Up Next

40+ Funny Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend That Will Leave Him Cracking Up

Funny Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend That'll Crack Him Up

If you want to keep the spark alive in your relationship, and fill your conversations with humor and laughter, then you have come to the right place. Today, we are going to do a deep dive into some of the best and funny questions to ask your boyfriend.

Whether youโ€™re looking for funny questions to ask your partner during a road trip, a lazy Sunday, or just to break the ice, a little humor goes a long way. After all, who doesnโ€™t love a good laugh?

If you want to tease his goofy side, and get him to wrack his mind in ridiculously funny ways, then this list of questions will surely do the trick.

When it comes to funny questions to ask your partner to make him laugh, this is one of the sneaky ways to also get to know him better – his

Up Next

What Really Predicts Relationship Satisfaction?

Relationship Satisfaction Important Things To Know

Does good communication truly determine relationship satisfaction, or are there deeper factors at play? Letโ€™s explore the truth behind long-term happiness between partners.

The paradox of communication.

Key points

Timing and context matter as much as communication itself.

Simply improving communication might not be enough.

Mutual goals strengthen relationship satisfaction.

Up Next

Is the Romance Gone? What to Do When Your Partner Feels Like a Roommate

Does Your Partner Feels Like a Roommate? Hereโ€™s How to Fix It

When your partner feels like a roommate, the spark can start to fizzle, leaving the relationship stuck in autopilot. But donโ€™t worryโ€”there are plenty of ways to deal with emotional distance and bring back the excitement.

KEY POINTS

When partners feel like roommates, it’s a sign of a pattern of mutual emotional withdrawal.

Instead of leaning on each other, partners have been going to their separate corners, being hyper-independent.

To break this pattern, partners need to learn to take emotional risks: sharing their feelings and needs.

Withdrawing behavior is

Up Next

Which Romance Trope Are You Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

Which Romance Trope Are You? Zodiac Romantic Love Tropes

Valentineโ€™s Day 2025 will soon be here, so have you wondered which romance trope are you like? Your zodiac sign might lead you to your perfect love story. Letโ€™s explore!

Maybe youโ€™re a passionate love, or perhaps a slow burn that evolves into something beautiful over time? Each zodiac sign has its own set of traits that align with some of the most beloved romance tropes.

From forbidden attraction, or the classic โ€œopposites attractโ€, thereโ€™s a love story that mirrors your zodiac essence. So, what romance trope are you? Letโ€™s dive into the stars and see the zodiac signs as romance tropes!

Read More Here: