Why Is Breaking Up With A Narcissist More Traumatic Than A Regular Breakup?

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Breaking Up With Narcissist Traumatic Than Regular Breakup

Breaking up hurts. Rejection on any level sucks, no matter how you slice it. But, breaking up with a Narcissist is not your average break up.

Most people recognize that relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Some are nasty, some are amicable and some are mutual. But they generally follow the same pattern – relationship ends, one or both parties grieve and then move on.

Getting over a relationship with a Narcissist is a much different kettle of fish. Depending upon the duration, the impact of such a union could have profound emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical and even financial effects on its victims.

Related: 5 Devious Things Narcissists Do to Keep You Hanging Around

Once a partner does manage to break free and gain the much needed emotional and physical distance, either by choice, necessity, or abandonment, they are often left with some devastatingly painful questions like – Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him at all?

Why Is Breaking Up With A Narcissist More Traumatic Than A Regular Breakup?
Why Breaking Up With A Narcissist Will Never Be Easy

What one must always remember is that Narcissists do not love. They do not form normal, healthy, attachment bonds to anyone. To a Narcissist, their partners are objects, a source of supply, and nothing more.

And coming to terms with the fact, that you meant nothing, to someone who meant so much to you, is incredibly painful. Realizing that you were lied to, duped, conned, and manipulated all along, is enough to send even a saint into a psychotic rage.

Related: What It Means When a Narcissist Says “I Love You”

I think the hardest thing to get over is the deliberate mind fuck, the psychological warfare that the Narcissist uses to keep his victims emotionally invested in him.

Narcissists are generally angry, miserable people and they love to project their misery onto those closest to them. Once the honeymoon phase is over and their true colors emerge, their victims are saddled with trying to understand what’s happening in the relationship. Why are they pulling away? What did I do? Why is he treating me that way? Why are they ignoring me?

This kind of emotional torture is exasperated by the Narcissists hot and cold routine. The mixed signals of I love you one day and hate you the next has women and men not only questioning their sanity but their sense of self-worth as well. They are pathological liars and will lie about even the most insignificant things. If their partner catches them in a lie, they will often, either spin another set of lies or fly into a Narcissistic Rage and even put the blame on you, to keep you off balance.

They use a form of psychological intimidation, called Gas Lighting, where they present false information to their victims, which makes them doubt their own memory, perception, and even sanity. They will often say something, then sometimes even in the same conversation state that they didn’t say that to perpetuate the confusion.

Watch this interesting video to learn how to break up with a narcissistic partner:

Why Breaking Up With A Narcissist Will Never Be Easy

A Narcissist will take no responsibility for anything. He will criticize your appearance, abilities and your very existence. Everything has become your fault and you cannot ever please them despite your best efforts. The closer you try to get to them the further they pull away.

Then once you start to pull away, they will turn up the heat and start their pursuit once again. This constant beat-down erodes the victim’s self-esteem leaving them feeling completely confused, off-balance, and drained of all their emotional resources.

Everything is all about them, always, and this consistent pandering to their every need and want often pushes their targets into Co-dependent-like behaviour.

Victims get so wrapped up in the relationship and trying to fix it, that they lose themselves in the process. They have stopped thinking about their needs, their goals, and their own happiness.

All of their energy is spent on trying to win back the one they fell in love with. What most fail to realize is that that person never existed. The Narcissist pulls the old bait and switch. The person you met, in the beginning, was an actor and the one they are with now, is the true individual behind the mask.

Many get caught up in seeking the emotional validation of –am I good enough – from someone who will never give it to them. This validation seeking can go on for a long, long time. There is nothing more soul-destroying and degrading than jumping through hoop after hoop trying to prove your worth, to someone who will never see or acknowledge it.

Narcissists are akin to psychological parasite.

Once they get inside your head it’s almost impossible to get them out.

They spend the early part of a relationship learning all about you, what makes you tick and what buttons to push, to best manipulate you later on. They pay keen attention to your vulnerabilities, your fears, and what causes you the most hurt, as a means of control, for a Narcissist must always be in control. They will go to great lengths to isolate you from friends, family, and other sources of support.

Related: 22 Stages of Relationship Between An Empath and A Narcissist

Once a relationship with a Narcissist ends, most victims are left with the enormous task of weaving through all the lies and the abuse and building themselves back up. Their sense of self-esteem and self-worth will have been virtually annihilated. They have to rediscover who they are before breaking up with a narcissist.

Being free of such a monster should be considered a blessing, but what often happens, after prolonged exposure to this type of abuse, is that many will actually pine and grieve for the return of their tormentor.

They have come to believe that love equals pain and that they are deserving of this type of treatment. They’ve placed the Narcissist so high up on a pedestal, that even crumbs of their affections and attention are better than nothing at all.

A Narcissist doesn’t like to throw away any sources of supply, so they will continue to play this game with you indefinitely.

The more pain that the Narcissist can inflict upon their partner, the less respect they have for their victims and they devalue that source of supply. If a Narcissist does leave, it’s because they have found a new source, but they’ll often be back to throw you more crumbs and prolong your suffering.

The abrupt and heartless manner in which they leave their partners is bone-chilling. When a Narcissist is in stage one, the over-evaluation phase, with his new target, they focus all their energy on securing that new source of supply.

The fact that they have left you in emotional turmoil, a spiraling depression, or perhaps even financial ruin, will have no impact on them. It’s all about them- it always was. These people are happiest when they have at least one or two individuals pining for them, who they can run to, at any time for sex, money, or an ego stroke.

Why breaking up with a Narcissist will never be easy

If at some point the victim decides to end the relationship, the Narcissist will experience what Freud calls a Narcissistic Injury. This is any slight, real or imagined, that threatens the Narcissist’s false belief, that they are special, superior, and unique.

Why Is Breaking Up With A Narcissist More Traumatic Than A Regular Breakup?
Why Breaking Up With A Narcissist Will Never Be Easy

The Narcissist may rage or grieve over your parting, but one must always remember, they are not grieving the loss of the person in their life, they are grieving the damage done to their ego, the lost source of supply, the efforts it took to secure that supply and the anxiety they will have to face to obtain more.

The grieving won’t last long though since they do not take responsibility for anything, your leaving won’t resonate with them as, “I’ve done something to make them leave.” They will immediately start telling themselves – ‘They’re nuts, they think they can do better than me. I’m better off without them.

They’re damaged anyway,’ as part of the devaluation process. And just like that, you are discarded in the Narcissist’s mind, regardless of the amount of time, or the amount of suffering you may have endured.

Related: This Is What It Feels Like To Break Up With A Narcissist

When a normal relationship ends, both parties usually go their separate ways and move on. When you’re involved with a Narcissist the relationship ends abruptly, without notice, or it never ends.

They like to keep a hold of you, they are control freaks and they will do that, by offering you the friend card. This friend card entitles them to an unlimited supply of your attention, resources, affection, ego strokes, or sex, with no responsibility or commitment. It also stops you from being able to move on.

They almost always seem to have an innate sense of exactly when you might be getting over them and just like that, they waltz back into your life, as if nothing ever happened. The loving, caring person returns and you may be thinking, finally, ________ (insert name), has realized my worth and things will be different this time.

Don’t be fooled. The actor is back, just long enough to take control of you and your emotions again. If you engage for any reason, it won’t be long before the mask slips and the real McCoy is back to further torment you.

Also Read: To Every Girl Who Has Ever Lost Herself To A Toxic Man

What To Do After Breaking Up With a Narcissist?

Once you have managed to get out – stay out. Stop all communication and burn every bridge behind you, thus souring the milk of your Narcissistic Supply. It’s better to covet a Narcissist’s indifference, than their toxic form of love.

Your involvement with a Narcissist has likely changed you in ways you could never have imagined. Make the decision to break free and stick with it, start to rebuild your shattered self-image, regain your power and dignity and most importantly, learn the lesson that you were meant to learn from this encounter. But that’s another blog!!!!


Written by Savannah Grey
Article Syndicated from Esteemology with permission from the author
Why Is Breaking Up With A Narcissist More Traumatic Than A Regular Breakup?
Narcissistic Supply: How To Break Up With A Narcissist
Why Breaking Up With A Narcissist Is Not Your Average Break Up
Why Breaking Up With A Narcissist Will Never Be Easy
BreakUp Narcissist Traumatic Than Regular Breakup pin
Why Breaking Up With Narcissist Traumatic Than Regular Breakup

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  1. Chris Max House Avatar
    Chris Max House

    Hey all
    I was with one for 4 year and out of the blue one day ended it no feeling and it was all me I did it I was not good enough she push me away and just as I would give up she was all nice and loving and wanted to spend time with me the lies about what she was doing and the things she was telling people made me look like I was a philosophy ex trying to make her life her to try and win her back she was telling her mate she had ended it but yet doing and saying thing different to me also as I have a 2 year old son with her I would of stayed for him but it come to a point where it was getting to much and and the little lies needed to be shown so I started to cover my back used recording app to record phone calls and pics to back up that we was still sleeping together even though she mad out I was sleeping on the chat and refusing to leave.. This was all bull as if I knew what she was doing I would of taken my son and left.. She had been seeing a guy from work and was also sleeping with him… Once I found out I left but the games still played on once she knew I’d not do things for her it was my son she would use and then I needed 2 weeks to free myself from her and then it was how crap a dad I am and how I’m not there for my boy so after a week I could not take anymore of the little texts she would send of my son and the vids of him so I give in I started seeing my son again but I was not giving in to her so then she would make plans for me to see my son and the give him to someone else on them days and make out I was being an ass she even put him at risk and because this was not working she then let my sister down who was unwell and had just come out of hospital and then tried playing my sister off on me.. Long story short the texts off her mate come in I then have to go to the police and i was the one given a pip she then setup a day for me to see my son after 6 months of stopping me because I have a new partner and when I went to see him she had gone out I waited fro an hr and left a note saying it’s going to court now as I was sick of the games I then popped back after as I thought maybe something had happened to my son and when I got there I was met by the door being slammed in my face so I called the police to do a check that my son was OK and I then get locked up for 16hrs I’m now on tag and and been done for harassment all I say is cover your backs if not for all the texts and cctv in my car and the camera on my phone I could of been looking at prison time

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