Sometimes you just can’t get away from the narcissist that is tormenting you. It may be impossible to go No Contact so you are stuck with them in your life … for now. If that is your case then I want to give you some tools and strategies for when a controlling narcissist turns on you.
They will inevitably use intimidation to try to control you, but while they may seem scary and all-powerful that is truly not the case! Over the years I have come up with effective responses that will STOP the narcissist from triggering you into conflictive arguments – in fact, they will crumble and back off.
You’ll learn how to apply five remedies to a controlling narcissist’s antics and you’ll understand that it’s essentially all about you standing in a healthy sense of self that the narcissist can’t argue with or destroy. And soon enough you’ll be able to get them out of your life for good.
Today, I want to give you five ways that you can get quick wins against a narcissist when you can’t go No Contact or when you can’t get away from them. This is going to be so helpful if you’re in that situation.
I just want to quickly remind you about Thrive, which is my 10-week intensive Bootcamp, which is my most powerful, highly interactive live program to date. In this program, you’re going to break free, get real relief from the pain, and get your Soul, sanity, and your Life Force back in record time. So check it out via the link on this video or in the show notes.
Let’s get into the ways that you can respond to a narcissist to stop him or her triggering you, getting you to hand your power away, and gaining control of you, which is exactly what they want to do. That will stop when you take your energy back, when you stop feeding the narcissist narcissistic supply, which is your triggered emotional energy, and when you stand in your sovereign truth.
I know you may believe, as I used to, that narcissists are scary, powerful, and intimidating, but rather they are really powerless little men or women behind a curtain in their false power, wanting you to believe that.
If you do believe that and fall into it, then they’re able to control you by using your fear or your triggered pain against you. You’re going to be amazed how, when you stand in your true power, how little they can use against you. They will actually crumble and back off.
Let’s go through how to do this.
5 Ways You Can Win Against A Controlling Narcissist
Number 1 – When You’re Accused Of Not Being ‘With Them’
A narcissist can accuse you of not being with them, of not supporting them, not loving them, not caring about them … all that stuff.
Narcissists manipulate, they guilt and bully when you’re not going along with their agendas, which of course, are very damaging for you. So you’re going to be accused of not caring, of being selfish, of not loving them, and you could be really badly demonized and called some terrible things, such as being wrong, stupid, defective, and so much worse.
What is always important with a narcissist is not to buy into what he or she says. Don’t try to counteract their argument because this equals how to lose badly. The more you try to explain and justify yourself or lecture or prescribe what decent behavior is to them, the more the narcissist is going to line you up and keep assaulting you.
The most powerful response from you is this one, “I don’t look to you to define me. I know who I am, regardless of what you think.”
If you can say that calmly and clearly with no further conversation, no extra justifying – that part is so important – this is going to be powerful. Then you’ve said it. You don’t even need them to agree with it. You just get on with being in your life.
Number 2 – Being Smeared
When a narcissist starts losing control of you, they will often bring in reinforcements. This is what’s known as abuse by proxy, through others which are known as flying monkeys.
Proxy abusers could be your family and friends that the narcissist has been able to turn against you, his or her personal minions, or even authorities. Of course, this is going to test you greatly, as it has so many of us. I went through this horribly as well.
I want you to know with all of my heart that if you feed into this if you get triggered and go into overdrive trying to fight back with presenting information to turn these people back to what the truth is, it’s going to backfire really badly on you because you look like the crazy and the bad one, and matters just get so much worse.
Here is the most powerful response, orientation, and stance to take, “People can think of me what they want. What I think of me is what is important.”
This is also really powerful when the narcissist tries to abuse you with third-party information, such as, “So-and-so really thinks this about you.” Narcissists will gaslight with that kind of stuff.
By taking your power back, you’re anchoring into, “My real tribe are the people who agree with me and are on the same team. If other people aren’t standing with me, well, then they’re just not my tribe.”
By being really committed to getting to this stage, I want you to know that the smearing will stop dead in its tracks before too long because, without your energy to keep it fueled up and alive, it truly does just all dissolve away.
Number 3 – Discrediting Your Personal Rights
Narcissists are pathologically jealous of what gives you energy and joy, anything that is uniquely you or your interests because they believe that he or she has to be the center of your universe for good or bad. So anything you’re feeling, it’s got to be all about them.
A narcissist will discredit your interests and where your attention is and they will try to abuse you for enjoying your interests or putting your energy somewhere else other than on them.
Don’t despair and argue back or succumb just to try to keep the peace, and stop doing what gives you energy and purpose and joy. Rather, take your power back by saying, “I enjoy what gives me joy and appreciation. I will do what I want regardless of what you think I should or shouldn’t do.”
Then ignore the tantrums and go and do it. Any shenanigans the narcissist tries to pull when you return, just ignore all of that as well.
Number 4 – The Derogatory Comments
Narcissists have a seething Inner Being of self-hatred, pain, and insecurities. That’s really what’s going on inside of them. So they are often feeling off-kilter. At these times, rather than taking responsibility to turn inwards and work through their own complicated feelings, they’re more likely to lash out and dump it all over you.
This can be set off on a hairline trigger or actually for no reason at all. So your comeback for this behavior simply is, when they’re accusing you of this or whatever, “I’m happy with how I am, what I think and do. If you aren’t, that’s not my issue.” It’s pretty powerful.
Number 5 – You’re Damned If You Do Or Don’t
Number five is kind of similar, but a little bit different, and it’s that really shocking thing where you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
Narcissists are never durably happy with what you are or aren’t doing. The hoops always get higher and harder. To try to appease a narcissist never works. It doesn’t matter what you try to do. The goalposts are forever changing, and you can literally drive yourself insane trying to twist yourself into every shape possible to please this person, which you just can’t do.
They will constantly tell you how you’re not doing it right, how you’re not good enough. So your comeback for this is, “I’ll never be good enough for you, and that’s okay because there’s plenty of people, including myself, who I am good enough for.” Very powerful and helpful.
You need to understand that narcissists can only attack people if they have gaps in their self-esteem and a diminished sense of self.
So what I’ve suggested for you in these five remedies is all about you standing in a healthy sense of self that the narcissist can’t argue with. Yet, of course, it is a lot easier said than done, and I do have some disclaimers with this.
Firstly, you may need to do a lot of inner work to be able to hold this position, as many of us had to do because we were so affected and triggered, we couldn’t just decide to do those statements. We had to clean up a lot of the triggers inside to be able to do it.
Another disclaimer, sometimes no response may be the best response. Just completely ignore the behavior. Don’t feed the bear because it’s not even worth your response.
Maybe just think these empowering thoughts to yourself instead. They’re going to really help you be solid on the inside. Ideally, of course, you want your life to be filling up with non-narcissistic people who can reflect your true self-worth and the development that you’re now committed to by working on your Thriver recovery after narcissistic abuse.
A fully blown, ongoing relationship with a narcissist, even if you’ve got these little tips in your toolkit, could be really exhausting and it’s not in your best interest long-term to be going through that. Whereas separating, getting away and healing is definitely going to be your most optimal option so you don’t have to put up with that rubbish at all.
Hopefully, these skills are only temporarily needed, or they’re going to come in handy with narcissistic people who you could bump into at a family gathering, as an example.
I really hope that this has helped you today. Before I sign off, I’d love to encourage you again to check out Thrive, which is my powerful 10 week healing Bootcamp. It’s coming up very soon! It takes you on a personal interactive healing journey with me to take your power back, lay boundaries, and get out of the clutches of narcissists and narcissistic abuse into a sane, healthy, wholesome life that works and Thrives.
For more details, go to the link that appears on this video or check it out in the show notes.
I hope today has been really helpful. As always, I look forward to your comments and your questions regarding this episode.
Written By Melanie Tonia Evans Originally Appeared On Melanie Tonia Evans