You can never argue with a narcissistic person and expect to win. Despite how much logic or explanations you have up your sleeve, arguing with narcissists is a waste of time.
Narcissists are toxic people who love to argue and make others feel miserable. So they are the only one who gains from arguments involving narcissists. “The narcissist believes they’re entitled to everything, including your time, your emotions, and your self-esteem,” explains Sarah Newman, MA, MFA, founding editor-in-chief of the Poydras Review. If you find yourself arguing with a narcissist, resist the urge to defend your pride, let go of your ego, and simply walk away.
Narcissists feed off negativity
They love feeling superior by putting others down. They love criticizing, humiliating, insulting, manipulating and gaslighting others to feed their brittle egos. When a narcissistic person realizes that you are mentally and emotionally vulnerable, they take the opportunity to break you further. They love the attention and the power of controlling you and the conversation. So be careful about what you reveal to a narcissist. When you find yourself in an argument with a narcissist, do not try to justify or explain yourself. Do not engage with them. The only way to win and maintain your sanity is to not give them any attention and just walk away.
Licensed marriage and family therapist and author Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. MFT, writes “Narcissists often put others on the defensive with pointed questions or sarcasm, posturing as though you must explain yourself to them. You need not justify your feelings or explain your thoughts.” Once you fall into their trap and start giving explanations, they will start gaslighting you and make you doubt your own self. Neuharth adds “Narcissists tend to be interested in winning, not listening; self-promoting, not communicating.”
Reasons to stop arguing with a narcissist
If you frequently engage in arguments with a narcissist, then here’s why you will never win and why you need to stop wasting your valuable time on them.
1. A narcissistic person will never understand you
No matter how hard you try to use logic or justify yourself in an argument, a narcissist will never try to understand your perspective or opinions. Relationship Consultant Carrie Wynn explains “A narcissist will not try to understand your point of view because the truth of the matter is that they simply don’t care.” So it’s best not to engage in any heated discussion with a narcissist. It will only leave you feeling emotionally fatigued and drained.
Narcissists are “wired to be abusive because they’re so hypersensitive and completely lack empathy, so they are primed to take offense and misunderstand someone else’s needs and points of view,” writes author Lindsay Dodgson in a BusinessInsider article. So make sure to protect your emotional wellbeing, save your energy and protect your heart from their abuse.
2. Narcissists shift attention and blame on you
Narcissists are masters in deflecting everything and shifting blame. They never take responsibility for anything. It’s always someone else’s fault when something goes wrong, even if they are the only ones to blame. A narcissistic person will be quick to divert attention from themselves and put the focus on you. Carrie writes “If you catch them in a lie and call them out, then suddenly everything will be deflected so that you are blamed.” They do this simply to confuse, overwhelm and irritate you and make you move away from the main topic.
Read also: 5 Types of Narcissistic Blame Shifting
3. Narcissists are bullies
A narcissistic person can go to great lengths to bully and intimidate you. You can only win against a narcissist if they want to make you believe that you have won. They never shy away from fighting dirty. From name-calling to low-blows, they can use anything in their arsenal to put you down. They may even resort to physical violence to win the argument. Carrie adds “If you try to defend yourself, then you will be accused of being the emotional one and initiator of the argument.”
4. Narcissistic people are expert liars
Even if you present facts and evidence, they will deny everything and confidently lie on your face making you doubt yourself. “A narcissist will lie about anything and everything. Then, in order to confuse you about the situation, they will claim what you said never happened and use gaslighting to disorient you,” explains relationship Consultant Carrie Wynn. A narcissistic person can manipulate any situation and anyone and make it seem like they are the victims and make you look like the abuser instead.
5. You can’t win against their bullsh*t
You can’t use logic, facts and justification in a nonsensical argument. Narcissists do not argue in a mature or healthy manner. They fight ugly and dirty as their main goal is to break you and win. Carrie writes “You will be unable to have a calm and mature argument with them. They will often become extremely upset and aggressive.” Sooner than later, the discussion will consist only of illogical and meaningless rants. At times, you won’t even understand what they are talking about.
You can’t beat a narcissistic person at their own game
Although it’s natural for us to react and defend ourselves when someone is falsely accusing and blaming us, it is crucial that you resist the temptation. They are born to be toxic and negative. They are master abusers and manipulators. As they are aware of their feeble ego, they can go to any length to create ego-boosting sources.
Dan Neuharth, Ph.D. MFT explains “Trying to beat them in a war of words or adopt their techniques is akin to an amateur going up against a seasoned pro. It won’t feel good, and it rarely works. Instead, be you and be true to your values.”
Read also: How To Handle Narcissistic Abuse