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Black Sunglasses

readers blog black sunglasses

I catch a glimpse of the woman in the corner of my eye.  Truth is, I was waiting for her.  She has been visiting the grave every month on the full moon for years now.

The first time I saw her, I thought she was one of the spirits that drift along the grounds here from time to time.  Seeing the undead is part of the job as a groundskeeper at a cemetery.  And I’ve been doing this job for many years.

I call her The Black Sun Lady.  I wish I could tell you she is a spirit, but sadly she is not.  She’s a living woman.  Just another heartbroken family member that visits someone who died before her.  She visits her child.  A daughter named Sarah, whose gravestone simply reads:

Sarah, Infant Daughter

The woman always wears big, round black sunglasses.  Now that I think about it, I’ve never seen her eyes.  But she’s striking none-the-less.  She appears to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, but with a slow, purposeful yet tender stride. Never looking up from her own shadow, her hair blowing around the face with those sunglasses, concealing the woman even more from a good look at her.

When she reaches the small grave marker of her daughter, she begins to fuss at leaves or grass that have littered it.  Then she places the bundle of sunflowers she’s brought this month.  I have a kindred respect for the woman for having an eye for the flowers and keepsakes she regularly brings.  She has a good eye for style I’ve concluded over time.

After placing the flowers, she sits on the ground with her feet under her.  I remember thinking the first time I saw her sit, that she didn’t look like the kind of lady who would sit on the ground, but she always does, even when the ground is wet from rain or snow-covered.

The Black Sun Lady then begins speaking in a hushed voice.  She tells the same story every time she visits.  It’s sadly heartfelt and such an unfortunate tale.

“My darling daughter, Mommy is here.  I’m sorry your father couldn’t make it this time.  We will pray for him and ask God to give him the courage he needs to face you.  He is a busy man, my sweet, but I know he loves you as much as I do.”

“I don’t want you to think that the way he treats me is a reflection of his feelings for you.  He just has a hard time facing his emotions.  And he’s so young, Sarah.”

“I’m much older than him and neither of us was expecting a child.  He sometimes likes to believe that you aren’t even a reality, but a lie I told him to be deceitful and trap him.  But, don’t worry.  I think one day very soon he will admit it to be true.”

“After all, he has been spending time with your brother.  Your father didn’t acknowledge him at first either.  So, you can see, it’s not you that makes him behave this way.  He will come around one day, I think.  We will just pray and stay hopeful.”

“I am sorry for not being strong enough to change his mind.  It’s difficult because he only speaks to me once a year or so.  And when he does decide to talk to me, he doesn’t like me to talk about you.”

You may also like:  Living By the Moon

The woman hugs her legs into her chest like a child hugging itself.  I swear you can see that being touched isn’t something that happens for her very often.

She continues, “I’m sorry I loved him.  It was wrong from the start.  He is young.  It was only fun for him, not something serious.  He tells me how irrational, assuming and annoying I am.  I know he’s right.  I do try to be enough of what he wants but I fail.  I overreact and am too sensitive.  Plus, I did lie to him once a long time ago so I deserve to be lied to.  I deserve to be alone.  But, I promise, one day I will be good enough for him.”

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    When A Narcissist Tells You You’re Hard To Love

    When A Narcissist Tells You You’re Hard To Love

    When a narcissist tells you you’re hard to love what they are really saying is they are the one incapable of loving you the way you deserve.

    When a narcissist tells you, you’re remembering something in the past incorrectly what they are really saying is they don’t want to believe a truth that makes them look bad.

    When a narcissist points out your flaws realize they’d rather pick you apart then realize they aren’t perfect either and if they are focusing on you they don’t have to focus on themselves.

    When a narcissist emotionally abuses you and tries to take you down, realize the only reason they are doing that is out of envy and seeing something within you they wish they had. Even if they won’t admit it.

    When a narcissist blames you for how they reacted saying something ‘if you didn’t do XYZ then they wouldn’t have yelled at you’, realize their inability to control their emotions isn’t your fault.

    When a narcissist says something like ‘if I did it, it would have been better’ realize the reason they didn’t do it in the first place is that they could have easily made the same mistake or they are setting you up for failure.

    When a narcissist makes you feel like the problem realize there is never going to be pleasing them and your attempt to will always fall short.

    But it isn’t a reflection of you but rather unrealistic expectations that they’ll keep raising even if you reach a certain point.

    When a narcissist starts a fight realize you’re never going to win it and it doesn’t make you weak to accept ‘defeat’ because with them it’s best to just nod your head and walk away.

    When you fight with them they will get going and stop at nothing to take you down emotionally.

    When a narcissist makes you feel like you’re too sensitive or don’t have tough enough skin when you address something you don’t like don’t believe them because any normal person doesn’t try and hurt others or make them feel bad.

    When a narcissist tries to make you feel crazy and turn the tables saying things like ‘I’m the bad guy,’ realize their attempt at guilt is just another way to try and win and control you.

    When a narcissist picks apart every flaw realize, there is something they are insecure about and it has nothing to do with you.

    When a narcissist holds onto your mistakes then uses it against you, realize that someone in their past might have done the same thing.

    When a narcissist does something kind then uses it as blackmail later, realize it’s all about control and the moment you start doing things for yourself and begin to show them you don’t need them, they will fear you leaving.

    When a narcissist makes you feel a sense of guilt for formulating relationships with others understand what they are really fearing is someone treating you better and leaving.

    They thrive when it comes to controlling you so if they lose you, they lose that powerful feeling they have over you.

    When a narcissist tries to control your reputation and make you look bad what they are really struggling with is maybe you are a good person everyone will love and it’s them who brings out the worst in you.

    They don’t want to accept that.

    When a narcissist tries to gossip with you and be negative or has negative habits they want to pass along to you, realize they just don’t want to feel guilty for their actions so if someone partakes with them in it, it won’t be as bad.

    When a narcissist tries to provoke you or use your insecurities against you, realize they are going to do it in such a way they don’t look too bad.

    Then they’ll say something to counteract their previous insult. A comment sly enough to get to you but then they will back it up with, ‘I’m just looking out for your best interest.’

    When a narcissist says they are just joking but says something to hurt you understand jokes aren’t supposed to hurt.

    When a narcissist does something that really crossed the line and they make promises of change only to go back to how they really are, realize they aren’t going to change.

    When you are in a web a narcissist created, it’s going to feel like you can’t get out sometimes.

    That’s what they want you to think because as much as they try to convince you, you need them, it’s really the other way around they just won’t admit it.

    But most of all when a narcissist tries to convince you you’re hard to love and you shouldn’t like yourself, realize just because they don’t like who they are doesn’t mean you have to follow that.

    The best way to overcome a narcissist is by loving yourself fully and realizing how they treat you shouldn’t be the example you follow when treating yourself.

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    4 Ways You Can Unintentionally Fall In Love With A Narcissist

    4 Ways You Can Unintentionally Fall In Love With A Narcissist

    A narcissist, in its most basic definition, is a person who’s wildly self-centered or selfish.

    Getting in a relationship with someone like that sounds like a terrible idea, yet may people unintentionally fall in love with a narcissist for a variety of reasons.

    Whether blinded by love, emotionally vulnerable, or something far more complicated, it’s definitely possible to fall for this type of person, even if you’re self-aware or in a positive mental state.

    Here are four ways you may be accidentally entangling yourself in a toxic relationship so you can hopefully catch the signs before getting in too deep.

     

    1. You believe the best in people and are willing to forgive and forget.

    If you’re the type of person who sees and believes the best in people, then it’s very possible for you to fall in love with a narcissist.

    Narcissists can be very convincing, and if they’ve persuaded you to feel or think a certain way, you might have trust in them simply because you’re a good person.

    When you see the best in others, you are easily convinced—and may even convince yourself—that things are not as bad as they seem. (Even if others have tried to show you otherwise.)

     

    2. You’re caught up in the passion over the reality of the relationship.

    The phrase ‘blinded by love’ rings true if you fall in love with a narcissist.

    Whether you’re overwhelmed by the intensity of the connection (narcissists are very dramatic people!), persuaded by emotions, or driven by lust, you may fall into continue to stay in a toxic relationship because you foolishly believe that person loves and values you.

     

    3. You’re convinced that this person will change.

    Narcissists are extremely manipulative.

    Regardless of how many times they’ve messed up, they have the uncanny ability to convince you that they will change their behavior and never hurt you again.

    And if you’re already invested in the connection, you may believe them.

     

    4. You’re being manipulated and the warning signs are disguised as something else.

    Narcissists are able to disguise warning signs and red flags by their conniving behavior.

    For example, rather than taking responsibility for cheating on you, they might spin the entire event and say that you were being ‘too clingy’ or not giving them space.

    Oftentimes people can get wrapped up in this toxicity because they don’t recognize the true warning signs and manipulation tactics. They’ve normalized these behaviors, or have become immune to their partner’s behavior altogether.

     

    How to recognize the warning signs and protect yourself:

    You can fall in love with a narcissist just as easily as you can fall in love with anyone else. Attraction, affection, and connection play a role as they would in any relationship.

    However, in order to protect yourself from a relationship with the wrong one, a toxic connection, or even potential abuse/trauma, it’s important to recognize these narcissistic behaviors and patterns before you’re head over heels.

    If a person is exhibiting behavior that doesn’t feel right, if he/she is trying to control your every move, or if you’re often made to feel guilty for the choices you make—pay attention!

    These can be the beginnings of a negative relationship and it’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to your heart.

     

     

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    4 Ways You Can Unintentionally Fall In Love With A Narcissist

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    This Is Why You Should Stop Wasting Time Arguing With Narcissistic People

    This Is Why You Should Stop Wasting Time Arguing With Narcissistic People

    When dealing with accommodating a person who has a‪ known or suspected Cluster B‬ personality disorder or toxic thinking, the only person who ever truly benefits from arguing with them (or  ‘wins’) is THEM.

    Why?

    Because narcissistic people love to argue and to create discord both for and between other people. When you spot the red flags or warning signs someone is coming from a wholly egocentric perspective in YOUR FAMILY (nation, peer group, or cultural state), steady yourself internally. Resist the urge to argue with them or even to defend yourself.

     

    AGAIN (you might ask yourself)… Why?

    Because above all else, narcissistic people are fundamentally irrational and pick fights or debate with other people simply because they are compulsively attention-seeking.

    Narcissistic people are famous for using irrational argument tactics to time-suck and abuse unsuspecting victims. On the constant hunt for a “narcissistic supply source” that will pay attention to them, the more heated and volatile an exchange, the more likely a narcy person is to derive pleasure from the argument.

    Narcy people thrive on hurting, confusing, bewildering, befuddling, and abusing others verbally.

    To destroy other people emotionally and socially, they oftentimes resort to using pathological lying, deliberate misinterpretation, word salad arguments, and a host of other dirty conversation tricks to entice an unknowing person into spending time listening to, talking to, pleading with, and trying their hardest to communicate effectively with them.

    If a narcissistic person has you targeted in their sites, understand they will be testing and probing your personality for signs that something can peak your social or emotional interest enough to actively engage with them. For that reason alone, it matters not what words come out of their mouth. Whether the debate is about religion, politics, or simply “what’s for dinner”, there will never be an end to the circular argument dynamics the egocentric attention seeker tries to set up.

    Again, resist the urge to debate with them. Resist the urge to share any personal information with them.

    Actually, run — don’t walk — to the nearest exit or hang up the phone as quickly as you can when and if you notice their toxic personality impulse taking over their rational mind. Understand that when they get verbally combative — or start manipulating covertly using NLP techniques used by kidnappers to manipulate and control the minds of their captive victims — that they are acting from a place deep within their subconscious nature.

    If they have a bona fide Cluster B personality disorder, it’s dark. It’s deep. It’s toxic. But more accurately, it’s sticky.

    There are a few things you can do on a conscious level to help depersonalize whatever they say and to avoid having them trigger you into taking the conversational bait.

    First of all, strive to go gray rock. Picture yourself as calm as a smooth rock surface at the bottom of a stream.

    As the waters rush by, understand that while they do have an innately erosive effect over time that there is no reason to actively engage with the corrosive agent. Let their caustic or antagonistic words flow past you without resistance.

    Second, think fast but learn how to control your emotional habit of feeling a need to respond when asked questions by another person. Keep your wits about you.

    Be rational, but do NOT indulge or otherwise enable them. Learn how to respond slowly with as many ambiguous statements as you can dream up. Learn how to respond to questions to answer questions and redirect your conversation to topics that are not triggering for you as quickly as possible. 

    If you decide to engage in conversation with a Narcissist or narcissistic person, recognize it will ultimately be forsaking the best interest of your community and children. By electing to choose the easy way out (to pacify and indulge a monster), YOU become their ‪Flying Monkey‬ — a passive but no less morally culpable enabler who by proxy himself or herself becomes a social justice abuser.

    If you made the mistake of acting as an enabler in the past for the sake of peace, own it. Make amends and never let yourself fall into the role of participating willingly in the cycle of Narcissistic Abuse.

    By refusing to indulge their attention seeking and argumentative behaviors, you will save yourself a ton of wasted time and are less likely to be hurt or upset by a narcissistic person’s attention seeking ever again. 

    Learning how to ignore obnoxious and toxic people without feeling a need to actively engage with or being rude to them is key to Narcissistic Abuse recovery.

    Some arguments, debates, and conversations simply are not worth having.  Learning how to go GRAY ROCK around narcissistic people can help a potential victim avoid being drawn needlessly into yet another emotionally exhausting and utter time-wasting conflict.

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    Dealing with Toxic Family Members: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

    Dealing with Toxic Family Members Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

    The summer season can be a joyous time for family reunions and treasured memories of gatherings by the beach, fireworks, camping adventures, etc. For some, unfortunately, this scenario is not the case.

    In families where an individual has narcissistic tendencies (or exhibits behaviors of full blown NPD or malignant narcissism), such reunions transform into a nightmare.

    Much literature has been written on the subject (see below for resources).

    This article is merely an attempt to remind survivors of narcissistic abuse in family systems that there is hope to heal and that there are things you can do to protect yourself from further exposure to the force field of toxic emotional abuse by a narcissist (or other psychological abusers) in your family:

    1) It is not your job to diagnose your family member or determine “where” on the spectrum of narcissism your family member lies. What you need to focus on is YOU. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding a skilled, strengths-focused clinician to assist with healing.

    2) If the toxic individual (whether family member/friend/boss/lover/ex-lover/colleague) will be present at the family gathering, you are under no obligation to attend.

    It is okay to bow out of any commitment where you feel you will be exposed to further emotional abuse. Remember that psychological abusers like to send FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt) — if you are feeling immersed in the FOG haze, likely a manipulative tactic has been deployed to cause you cognitive dissonance and emotional pain.

    Again, protect yourself and place your emotional well-being as number one. That action is not selfish — it is an act of self-care.

    3) You can go No Contact with toxic family members, just like you would with a toxic ex.

    It may feel guilt-inducing, and other family members may not understand why you have chosen to proceed with No Contact. However, remind yourself that you have every right to protect yourself from psychological harm.

    The toxic family member may have done a very skilled acting job of convincing others that you are the crazy one (projection/blame-shifting) or that they are just perfect (false mask) and why would you treat them so unfairly (playing the victim)?

    Stick to your fortitude and know you are setting a healthy boundary by protecting your emotional and physical health from further abuse by a toxic person. You don’t need to justify or explain it to anyone.

    4) Such like an abusive ex, if a toxic family member is harassing, stalking, or generating unwanted contact, you have every right to pursue legal action and consult with an attorney or Legal Aid regarding filing a restraining order and other protections (like a Cease and Desist Order).

    The added layer of legal protection is an additional barrier of accountability and potentially containment of an abuser. Narcissistic people do not want to be exposed for their transgressions.

    5) Seek psychological counseling to receive support for separating and extricating from toxic family systems. There are licensed therapists who specialize in helping to empower their clients from a strengths-focused (versus victim-shaming/blaming) perspective.

    Interview potential mental health professionals who are trauma-informed and know something about narcissistic abuse, to be sure you feel empowered, not shamed or blamed. Good psychotherapy can be invaluable in healing from any residual trauma, depression, anxiety that has stemmed from a family system perpetuating narcissistic (or other forms of) abuse.

    6) If your tribe (by blood) has some toxic members, you can create your own tribe of unconditionally supportive, authentic and safe members — these individuals don’t have to be related to you by blood.

    They can be friends, colleagues, neighbors. Look for authenticity, integrity, reciprocity, compassion, empathy, honesty, accountability and compromise as important features in healthy relationships.

    7) If a toxic person wants to get better, you can’t do the work for them. They have to figure out their own pathway of healing and connect with the motivation to do so, and usually, that involves a ton of therapy over a long period of time. Just because someone begs and pleads for you to stay in the relationship (whether familial or romantic), doesn’t mean you are obligated to do so.

    If a person is capable of change, you are going to see evidence of sustained, continuous behavioral change over a lengthy period of time, with evidence of accountability and empathy and remorse for harm caused. For individuals who are further on the spectrum of narcissism, change is very limited and so is insight.

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    13 Ways Being Raised by a Narcissist Can Affect You

    13 Ways Being Raised by a Narcissist Can Affect You

    If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, that legacy may affect you in multiple ways.

    The following list contains behaviors common among narcissistic parents. As you read through this list you may wish to identify which of these applied to your childhood:

    When you were growing up did one or both of your parents:

    • *Criticize or second-guess your choices?
    • *Ruin happy times with their selfish behavior?
    • *Give you gifts with strings attached?
    • *Forbid you to disagree with them or punish you for doing so?
    • *Use guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first?
    • *Have a come-here/go-away style that was confusing and unsafe?
    • *Behave unpredictably?
    • *Over-scrutinize you?
    • *Create drama, scapegoating and disharmony in your family?
    • *Seem never satisfied with you?
    • *Play the martyr?
    • *Become unhinged by your questions or independence?
    • *Tell you that you could trust them, then disappoint or use you?
    • *Minimize or ridicule your feelings and desires?
    • *Need to be the center of attention or dominate conversations?
    • *Leave you feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless or helpless?

      Each of these parental behaviors can leave lasting, negative legacies. A key step in moving on from a negative legacy is to recognize any connections between your upbringing and present-day unwanted behaviors.

    The following table shows possible connections between unhealthy patterns in your adult life and narcissistic parental behaviors in your childhood.

    You may want to initially read down just the left-hand side of the table and identify any of the 13 patterns you experience as an adult. Then, for each pattern you identified, you may wish to go back and read the possible connection from your childhood listed on the right-hand side of the table.

    As an adult do you sometimes . . . Possible connection
    1) Have difficulty making decisions? Your parents criticized or second-guessed your choices.
    2) Get uncomfortable when good things happen? Your parents ruined good times with selfish behavior or gave gifts with strings attached.
    3)  Worry or ruminate over confrontations with others? Your parents forbade you to disagree with them or punished you for doing so.
    4)  Too often please others at your own expense? Your parents used guilt or pressure to make you put their needs first.
    5)  Feel unable to get close to others even when you want to? Your parents had a come-here/go-away style that was confusing and unsafe.
    6)  Find it difficult to relax, laugh or be spontaneous? Your parents behaved unpredictably or over-scrutinized you.
    7)  Feel inexplicably drawn to turmoil rather than harmony in your relationships? Your parents created drama, scapegoating and disharmony in your family.
    8)  Expect too much of yourself? Your parents never seemed satisfied with you.
    9)  View others as fragile or view yourself as too much for others to handle? Your parents played the martyr or became unhinged by your questions or independence.
    10)  Trust others unwisely or, conversely, find it hard to trust even when you want to? Your parents told you that you could trust them, then disappointed or used you.
    11)  Feel numb or have difficulty knowing what you are feeling? Your parents minimized or ridiculed your feelings and desires.
    12)  Feel extra-sensitive around bossy, entitled or manipulative people. Your parents needed to be the center of attention or dominate most conversations.
    13)  Self-soothe through excessive food, drink, shopping or other addictive behaviors? Your parents’ behavior left you feeling trapped, unloved, hopeless or helpless.

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    Divorcing the Female Narcissist, Borderline or other Abuser

    Divorcing the Female Narcissist, Borderline or other Abuser

    If you are married to a female abuser, much like their male counterparts, you’re in for quite the ride. Abusers, especially narcissists and borderlines don’t like it when a victim exercises their right to self-preservation, and like it even less when you are married to them. 

    First, I’m not an attorney, but spend many years in law enforcement and dealt with restraining orders, judicial enforcement of custody exchange and other matters, so I’ll pass on what I know.  I also experienced this earlier in life and lost custody of my young daughter for many years. Therefore this is NOT legal advice, just one victim to another.

    I will warn you about this, this could be the most trying time of your experience with the narcissist and it’s important to do it the right way in order to protect yourself, and especially children if involved, in the process.  Don’t let your anger, or emotions get in the way of the goal, to divorce the abuser and move on with your life with as minimal effect on your rights as possible, and or, impact to your children.

    First of all, check with your particular state law as they vary to make sure you’re in compliance.  Different states – even jurisdictions have different laws and procedures, so do your research. Second, watch what you read on the web regarding this subject, some of the information is good and some is not so good (my opinion only).  The only place to know is through the help of law enforcement, social workers, and a good attorney (step two).  So beware of where you get your information. It could make all the difference in the world to a decent outcome.

    Most important if you are suffering physical abuse, or you feel as though your life will be threatened (or if your children will be threatened); contact your local law enforcement agency, as well as a domestic violence shelter. Sometimes abusive partners will resort to violence, either harming you, the kids, and themselves.  PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN is the number one priority in these cases, NOT your property, money, etc.  Stuff can be replaced, you’re life and your family can’t.

    STEP ONE:

    One thing to do even before you get to the point of divorce is to document the narcissist’s or other abuser’s behavior.  This is the predatory phase.  Writing down their actions of their abuse will become very helpful when you reached step two.  If the abuser has been physically abusive, especially to you or the children, that needs to be documented as well.  Police reports, emergency room visits, social workers, all of it need to be categorized, written down in as chronological order as possible. When possible enlist the aid of social workers, domestic violence shelter worker, for their guidance as well.  When speaking with social workers, domestic violence shelter workers, police, talk factually about the abuser’s behavior, past threats. 

    One caveat you’ll likely run into especially when reporting domestic violence is that the female narcissist, borderline, and other abusers will likely try to smooth the police over by play acting, or letting the police believe that YOU are the perpetrator, not the victim, so make sure you have the story together.  During cases of domestic violence, no matter how much you feel like retaliating, don’t. 

    Stand your ground, but if you have to leave the premises then do so.  Another thing some victims have found useful is to use a cell phone to record their rants, threats, actions to be able to prove your side of the story. Contrary to what people think this is legal and is a good tool to have when they try to pin everything on you.

    When you speak to law enforcement let them know whether there are any weapons in the house (not a good idea if you have an abusive person anywhere on the premises), or other weapons.  If you can, while the process is moving forward, remove all weapons from the house and store them somewhere else, so that they are inaccessible to the abuser. This information will also be helpful especially when the writ of divorce is delivered by the court.

     STEP TWO:

    If you haven’t already, it’s time to hire an attorney.  No one can better advise you of your legal options than an attorney, whose likely deal with this type of relationship before, and can best formulate your petition for divorce.  If you cannot afford one, you might be able to find one to do a case pro-bono, or on some type of payment plan, but without one it’s much harder, and leaves you in legal jeopardy.  Remember to bring all your evidence of abuse to the attorney, and pick a day for the appointment that you know your absence will be unnoticed by the abuser.  Unless you know there is an immediate threat, leave the children at home, at school, a friend’s house, or with a trusted family member.  Children can be very traumatized by divorce and until you can talk with them, they don’t need to know all the specifics now, even if they know abuse is taking place. 

     

     STEP THREE:

    Once the attorney is hired and you are moving forward with the divorce, it’s time for the notification to be delivered.  Again, no one knows the abuser like you do and how they will react once they know you’ve decided to leave them.  At this point, you should move at extreme caution.  This cannot be overstated. During my career, I witnessed more than a few cases where the violence escalated once the paper is delivered. 

    Normally the writ of divorce will be delivered by a court office (process server), or better the local sheriff. A process server has the same authority, but in some cases is not a police officer, but the police can assist in this area by the court – or process server’s office – requesting they be present with the process deliverer when the writ is served.  If you know the abuser will react violently make sure you are in a safe, and secure location with friends, family, when this happens.  DON’T BE AT HOME WITH THE ABUSER!  If the abuser is handed the writ for divorce at their place of work, or other location, make sure you are not at home when they arrive after work. 

    Again, this is only if you think they will react violently when they arrive home.

     

     STEP FOUR:

    For the duration of the divorce proceedings, you should leave the abuser and go NO CONTACT.  Speak only through legal counsel.  During the process, the abuser may want to sweet talk you and try to hoover you back into the relationship.  Don’t fall for it.  Let the attorneys be the moderators.  If the abuser hasn’t been abusive towards the children – if any – your legal counsel may sort that out and advise you to leave them with the mother. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you make an effort to remove the children on your own without letting her know.  A good attorney will advise you of this as well.  You don’t want to appear on the bad side of this process, and remember, the abuser is skilled at turning anything you do into a “crime” and using it against you.

    Therefore, such an action will only play out to your detriment.   If you feel that the children are in immediate danger, or if she may leave to some unknown location and take the children with her to halt the proceedings, have your attorney petition the court for temporary custody, restraining orders, etc.,  until the court decides the case.  However, in NO CASE take the law into your own hands.

    Again, be very careful in leaving the female narcissist, borderline, or other abuser.  This is especially true when married and when children are involved.  However if you gain good legal counsel to protect yourself and your rights, the process can go a lot smoother. 

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    The Great “Narcissist Loves New Woman More” Hoax

    The Great “Narcissist Loves New Woman More” Hoax

    Does a narcissist loves the new woman more?

    Narcissists resign from old relationship and set out for a new prey to feed their inflated sense of ego.

    Of the many fears that victims of narcissistic abuse face, the heart-wrenching concern that their disordered Ex will be better for the new woman is one of the worst.

    In spite of knowing that the Narcissist is a pathological liar, colossal cheater, and soul-assassin, discarded victims are often 100% sure that their abuser has miraculously begun toeing the line for the new girl.

    It’s a miracle, by George!  The Narcissist has changed!

    His former victim sees it on Facebook and Instagram, hears about it from the Narcissist himself, and is informed by their shared circle of friends that the Narcissist has never been happier.

    His friends and family can barely believe their own eyes, and even the neighbors walk around with their mouths agape, wondering what it is about the Narc’s new girlfriend that’s incited such a divine intervention of the Narcissist’s wily ways.

    Jeepers, if he’s changed so drastically for the new woman, then…

    …then it must mean there was something wrong with you, right? 

    And maybe because of this, the Narcissist was forced to find love elsewhere.

    And because her love is so celestial and the depth of her love so staggering, the Narcissist really has changed and he loves the new woman more than he ever could have loved you.

    Let’s pause for a moment of reflection.

    No one can say that it can’t happen.  However the probability of it happening is zero.

    In other words, I cannot guarantee that this event would never occur, but I would bet large sums of money that it wouldn’t.

    The chances that the Narcissist will change for the new woman – simultaneously falling head-over-heels in such love that it’s been blessed by Eros and Aphrodite themselves  – are about the same as my constructing a drone for the Department of Defense, all without an instructional pamphlet.

    The Narcissist is a skilled and convincing actor.  After all, he fooled you into believing you were the love of his life, perhaps even his past lives.

    How long was he able to keep up the charade?  Months?  Possibly years?

    Then, after his mask started slipping, he likely expected you to keep up appearances in front of everyone.

    Still yet, when you discovered his lies, online dating profiles, and infidelities, he convinced you that he had reasonable justifications for it all.

    That somehow, in spite of his love crimes, he still wanted you and was in love with you.

     

    And so it will be with the new girl.

    You see, he not only has to convince you that he’s found his soul-mate and best friend in the new girl, he has to get everyone else on board, too.

    It’s essential that you doubt your memories; distrust that what he did to you was so bad after all.  He must make you and everyone within a 100-mile radius believe that you exaggerated everything and – further – are delusional and unstable.

    In other words, that he did no wrong and he’s just an innocent man trying to find real love.

    What better way to do that than to trap a new girl into his web of deception and get her to drink the Kool-Aid? 

    Thus starts a fresh round of love-bombing, complete with vacations, church with the kids, and an engagement ring.

    Voila!  Presto-chango!

    This crusade is one they can wage for perverse periods of time.  It’s important that you don’t internalize this as meaning she is his cosmic soulmate.

    The Narcissist doesn’t want to be suspected of wrong-doings, nor accept one molecule of accountability for his actions, thus the Great “I’ve Changed for the New Woman” Hoax.

    Don’t drink the Kool-aid.  Trust that he’s a weasel and that the new girl will find out in due time.  They always do.

    Copyright © 2017 by Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach
    This article was originally published on the Let Me Reach website and has been printed here with the authors permission.

     

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    3 Best-Kept Narcissist Secrets That will Make Everything Clear

    3 Best-Kept Narcissist Secrets That will Make Everything Clear

    You realize you’re in a war, right?

    Ok, so maybe no actual firearms or tanks are involved, but you are definitely in a bloody battle for your sanity.

    I hate to dredge up the painful reality of it all, but your toxic, self-absorbed partner is using the three best-kept secrets used by narcissists world-wide – against you!  Secrets that, when used proficiently, can bring other human beings to their knees – regardless of status, intellect, education, or material wealth.

    …dirty secrets that can (and often do) result in their unsuspecting partners becoming so broken and dysfunctional that they lose everything – careers, children, homes, licenses (such as those required to perform as doctors, attorneys, and therapists), bank accounts, and worst of all, their sense of self.

    Below, I offer an insider exposé that will have you screaming, “Victory!!”  – or at the very least, make everything clear so that you’ll feel empowered to detach from the madness, reclaim your good judgement and reason, and move towards your new life.

    1. Narcissists will not appreciate anything you do to accommodate and placate them.

    I know you work hard to please your partner.  I sure did, back in the day when I was “green” narcissistic supply.   I could go into the hellish details of all I did for him and his family, but I’ll spare you.

    Narcissists want you to believe that even your best efforts are not good enough.  The reason they do this is so they can keep you scurrying about for their approval, but never quite receiving it.  Before long, you’re doing the work of three people, yet not being acknowledged for it.

    Maybe they really liked the chocolate cake you made them last year for their birthday, but after that, each time you made it for them, there was something wrong with it.

    Or perhaps, once upon a time, they said you looked pretty when they picked you up for a date, but ever since then you can’t seem to dress right, the colors you wear are all wrong, you’ve gained weight, etc.  Why can’t you just dress like the new secretary at their job or the new CEO who always looks so sharp? 

    Do you work two jobs, keep the house clean, pay most or all of all the bills, take care of their errands, and/or cook dinner most nights, but never receive even a simple nod of approval?

    This cruel tactic works in two ways – 1) it ensures you will be willing to do whatever they ask at a moment’s notice (hoping they’ll show some sign of appreciation), and 2) destroy your confidence and self-esteem as you develop the belief that nothing you do is ever good enough.

    Even if you are highly successful in your professional life and have friends and family who’ve always appreciated what you’ve done for them, the narcissist doesn’t want you to feel any pride or sense of accomplishment – because if you did, you might realize they are using you and consequently decide to do something about it.

    “Blow, blow, thou winter wind Thou art not so unkind, as man’s ingratitude.” ~ William Shakespeare

    Want to know if your partner’s a narcissist?  Stop catering to their excessive demands and see how they react.

    2. Narcissists DO know exactly how to reel you in

    Narcissistic-type individuals truly do have a sixth sense when it comes to snagging people into relationships with them, and it doesn’t have anything to do with their target’s status, wealth, or intelligence.  These toxic individuals are able to detect vulnerability and loneliness in others.  Generally, these states of being originated in childhood and/or early adulthood and were intensified through unsuccessful relationships and life events.

    Narcissists and other predatory types can detect vulnerability in people through visual and auditory cues such as facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.  People who feel vulnerable often avoid direct eye contact with others, tend to look downward a lot, speak in softer voices, and/or are overly nice and accommodating upon first meeting them.

    Even if a potential target doesn’t display the above behaviors, narcissists can alternately determine if a person is a good target through other behaviors and traits such as:  high levels of trust, compassion, cooperativeness, and tolerance (traits which they gleefully concede they can take advantage of).

    They then use their target’s vulnerability to reel them in, and also to keep them enmeshed in a toxic relationship through psychological manipulation which targets their victim’s emotional wounds and destroys his or her self-esteem.

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