Making love is vital to a healthy relationship. In the hands of a narcissist, it can be used to have power and control over a person as opposed to strengthening an intimate connection.
Sometimes, people can be confused by the signs that a person is sending while making love, and may discount the body language and the signals as something else.
Here are signs to look for when sleeping with a dangerous and manipulative individual.
1) It is the best you have ever had.
A key narcissistic trait is to try and be the best so that they can outshine and be liked by others. Thus, a lot of effort is put into the image that they want to uphold. Making love is no different, and it is not uncommon for them to go to extremes to try and be the best in bed.
Typically done in the beginning of the relationship, a narcissistic partner will get as much information from you about your fantasies so that they can work hard to fulfill them.
Thus, your partner will pay extra special attention to your body language, the signals that you give them to let them know that you like what they are doing in bed. This information is what they will use as a leverage against you later when they decide to withhold it from you or against you.
2) It is the worst that you ever had.
Making out can go from one extreme to the other. It usually becomes bad when the narcissistic partner has decided to withdraw from the relationship, has another partner, or wants to use it as a method of punishment or control.
Typically, they will only focus on fulfilling their needs and be physical with you on their terms, which can make the other partner turn into the aggressor for it. When they finally give in and you get to be physical, you are so grateful for it that you accept it.
However, they are angry or ready to withdraw from the relationship, that they make sure that ‘the act’ will be degrading, painful, lackluster, or impersonal.
In another scenario, there are narcissistic partners that are lackluster in the bedroom from the beginning. Partners like this are only focused on fulfilling their own bodily needs, thus their performance reflects this. While being physical with partners like this, you will often feel like a ragdoll who has no other purpose except to be there.
3) Inappropriate etiquette in bed and deceitful behavior.
It is not uncommon for a narcissistic partner to try and initiate making out without using birth control. Even if you have explicitly discussed using a birth control right before it, narcissistic men will attempt it without putting on some protection, and often without warning.
When you attempt to correct this behavior, they will often complain or minimize stating “I made a mistake,” or “I just wanted to try it without that,” or “I don’t like it that ways.” They may even refuse to continue making love because you are setting a boundary with them that they don’t like.
With female narcissists, they will lie about their use of birth control and refuse to use other forms of birth control options during ‘the act’. Females such as this, are highly likely to try and trap men by getting pregnant in order to be in a relationship or for financial gain.
4) They refuse to discuss their private health and history and become upset when you ask them about it.
In a healthy relationship, it’s not uncommon to discuss your private health (e.g. whether you have had an STD, how many partners you have had, when you became physically active, what types of intimate physical activities you have engaged in, etc.). A narcissistic lover is typically secretive about their love life, and when you ask them about it, to them it feels like you are prying.
If you inquire about the number of physical partners they have had, they may become upset, accuse you of asking an absurd question, avoid discussing the topic altogether, lie, or try to make you feel embarrassed or ashamed for asking them about their physical history.
A narcissistic partner wants to hold all the power in the physical relationship, thus they perceive giving you information about their private past is leverage or power over them. Thus, they will avoid being honest and open about their love making history.
5) Be addicted to p*rn.
It is not uncommon for a narcissistic partner to be attracted to p*rn (and this does not mean that everyone who is addicted to watching it is a narcissist). Watching it is attractive to narcissists for a variety of reasons.
They can study it and learn about intimate acts that can be used for control and to entice partners. Watching it is also attractive to a narcissist because they can control it. Thus, it’s easy for them to imagine that they are the controller and the creator of everything that they are watching.
6) Engage in risky behaviors.
Some narcissists will engage in risky intimate behaviors in bed which include prostitution, group acts, and hookups outside of the relationship to name a few. It is also not uncommon for a narcissistic partner to have a high number of physical relationship partners, some of which they may not remember.
Often narcissistic lovers claim to strongly dislike their previous partners. Again, they would also be highly likely to engage in these behaviors without using birth control. Because of their risky physical behavior, they are also highly likely to bring home STDs to their partners.
If confronted about their risky behaviors or the consequences of them, the narcissistic partner will deny doing anything wrong, will blame you for them engaging in those acts, twist the argument around on you, or avoid the conversation altogether. Most noticeable is their lack of concern about the STD.
It should also be said that a narcissistic partner will often pressure you to engage in risky unusual physical act with them, and then condemn you for it later. The idea is that they wanted to see how far you would go for them, and then if you give into your demands, they are in disbelief and disgust that you actually gave into them. They will become angry, degrade you, or even kick you out over giving into their demands.
7) Be paranoid about your faithfulness.
Some narcissistic partners will become paranoid and fixated on the idea that you are making out with someone else. Even if you are in a monogamous relationship with your partner, they will fly into a jealous rage about an imagined fantasy that they have of you cheating on them. They will often try to “prove” your infidelity by trying to catch you in the act, following you, screening your calls/social media/emails, and berating you about every person you encounter. Other acts could include searching your phone/clothes/car and smelling your clothes to try and pick up the scent of another person.
8) Be unfaithful.
Most narcissists who are fixated on the idea of their partner being unfaithful, are projecting. Thus, it is not uncommon for a narcissist to be unfaithful in their relationship even when they vowed to be monogamous. The bottom line is that they want attention and must feel desired, thus they feel entitled to have affairs. While they feel entitled to have their affairs, it does not mean that their partner can have an affair, and they are prepared to evoke a wrath to no end if this does happen.
Narcissists love to control people even during making love. Family members are no exception, especially those that are vulnerable and are easily accessed. Not all narcissists are incestuous, but most people who initiate incestuous acts are narcissistic. With family members, narcissists have easy access to them, thus they can intimidate and manipulate them more easily and readily. There is also the added threat to harm another family member if the victim discusses the incest or tries to get out participating.
10) Physically predatory behaviors.
Not every narcissist is a physical predator, but every predator is narcissistic. Narcissists consider themselves to be god-like and feed off controlling others. They will often seek out others who they can intimidate, and control by performing sexual acts. If ever caught or confronted about their predatory behavior, most narcissists tend to deny doing it or will blame the victim.
Common victim blaming statements “he/she came on to me” or “he/she came into the room while I was naked,” or “he/she wanted it.” It is also not uncommon for a narcissist to impersonate a person of authority (for example a police officer) to engage in physically predatory behaviors.
When a narcissistic partner starts to withdraw from a relationship with you, their body language and actions will speak volumes. The affection and the attention dissipate into thin air, and sometimes overnight. Long and lingering kisses, turn into pecks on the cheek, there is a lack of touch, and there is a lack of intimacy in the bedroom. It is almost like you turned into a stranger. Even the sleeping patterns will change. Even while sleeping your partner will try to distance themselves from you by sleeping as far away from you as possible and avoiding touching, going to bed at a different time to avoid sleeping with you, or not even sleeping in the same room with you. A narcissistic partner is distancing themselves away from you mentally so that they can leave the relationship or immerse themselves deeper into their affair.
12) Physical Violation.
It is not uncommon for a narcissist to start being physical with you while you are unconscious or sleeping. Perhaps, you have woke up to your partner forcing it with you in the middle of the night. Another type of sexual violation is to secretly record you during the act without your consent or to take provocative pictures of you while you were sleeping. The narcissistic partner will mull over these items later and potentially use these things in a revenge plot against you.
13) Preoccupation with body parts and performance.
It is not uncommon for a narcissistic partner to obsess over body parts. They will often pour over magazines looking at body parts, making internal comparisons. They will also overspend and obsess on bodily enhancements such as a vacuums, pills, enlargement gadgets, and plastic surgery and bleaching of private parts. The idea is that they want to be the biggest and the best.
It is not uncommon for a narcissistic partner to observe themselves during the act by watching them in the mirror or recording the encounter on camera. They are often infatuated with their own performance.
These are some of the characteristics of narcissistic partners which I have gathered from my years of working with narcissists and predators. It should be noted that any one of these characteristics should not be used to make a diagnostic tool or meant to be used in place of a treatment with a licensed mental health professional.
Written By Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD., LPCC
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