Are you married to a narcissist? Falling for a narcissist is very easy. They are overwhelmingly charming, confident, talented, charismatic, and successful. They can easily engage you in an exciting conversation and shower you with attention and compliments. Only when you are hooked to them do they reveal their true self to you.
“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.” – Elizabeth Bowen
Are you married to a narcissist? 12 easy ways to know for sure
If you’ve ever been in a sexual or romantic relationship with a narcissist, you might already understand that they often seem to be more interested in sex and pleasure than actual emotional intimacy.
In fact, narcissists and those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) “are more likely to philander and dump their partners than people who view important parts of a relationship,” according to psychologist Ilan Shrira.
Related: Rationalizing Manipulation: How Narcissists Take Advantage Of You
“Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do,” said Shrira, whose 2006 study appears in the current issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
“They see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.”
That’s why some narcissists tend to bounce from one relationship to the next—and most often, the relationships don’t last long and they don’t involve much emotional intimacy.
“Even when they’re in a relationship, they always seem to be on the lookout for other partners and searching for a better deal,” Shrira said after the study. “Whether that’s because of their heightened sexuality or because they think multiple partners enhance their self-image isn’t entirely clear.”
Narcissists are always on the lookout for a better deal even in a relationship. Narcissists typically have an inflated sense of their own level of importance and they expect people around them to admire them and cater to them.
They often appear to have an overblown ego and can be very charming if they choose to be. According to authors Steven Carter and Julia Sokol in their book Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist, there are ways to know if your significant other is a narcissist.
These 12 behaviors are common in abusive narcissists and sociopaths.
They are as follows:
1. It feels like you’re the one doing most of the “work” in the relationship.
2. Your partner does things to sabotage the relationship and prevent it from moving forward—but doesn’t want to let you go either.
3. Your partner could have a history of troubled relationships and/or addictions.
4. Your partner has episodes of excessive and often unjustified anger— sometimes even infidelity—and he or she somehow makes it all your fault.
5. You feel emotionally exhausted, often completely drained, by how hard you have to work to make or keep your partner happy.
6. The relationship is mostly focused on your partner’s interests and activities. When it’s not, there will be an ugly argument or outburst.
7. You feel controlled or manipulated by your partner’s moods to the point that you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time, a slave to his or her whims.
8. You might find yourself covering up, explaining or apologizing for his or her behavior.
9. Your partner might make one-sided decisions that impact your safety and well-being.
10. You might feel unsafe by some of the actions your partner takes.
11. Your partner will refuse to see your good intentions, always blaming you for every situation, always making you admit you’re wrong, even when that’s not the case.
12. You sometimes find yourself desperately trying to remember the times when your partner showed love for you, acted like you could do no wrong—often this is in the early parts of the relationship.
Related: The Narcissist and Psychopath as Human Parasites: Are You a Host?
“Some relationships are like broken glass. It’s better to leave them alone than hurt yourself trying to put them back together.”
Loving a narcissist can be one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Irrespective of how bad you try, the relationship will always be about them and about following their whims and fancies.
Once you identify that you are married to a narcissist, it is best to simply walk away from the relationship and save yourself from the years of mental, emotional, and even physical abuse that you will receive for loving them.
Written by Angie Atkinson Originally appeared on Queenbeing
I am married to a narcissist. My wife hits all 12 criteria. The contradictions, the lies, the disrespect, the failure to come clean when I have caught her in a lie, the absurd failure to remember events of disloyalty when I have all the facts, the attitude that I should not be upset because it happened a long time ago, stating that I should be punished, and punishing me by public humiliation. Her statement that I have tissue paper feelings and If I do not take objection right away then I should not bring it up at a later time. Her only come back is to bring up the same old nothing events and call me a bully when she does what she wants when she wants and always behind my back. I will get away but it is hard to get that point. Believe me these narcs are heartless they will hate you and be simmering with anger towards you all the time. They will not get a job and think it is perfectly all right to put all of the pressure on you and then criticize you. Finally they will destroy anything that you like to do and make you feel guilty for the same things that they do destroying your self esteem and ability to concentrate.!i would be happy to speak with anyone who thinks they might be in this situation. The professional who tell you go run away from them are absolutely right.
Richard, I feel I am in the same boat with you, with regards to my wife. Although there are subtle differences from your situation, I am struggling internally of what to do next. We are going to counseling, but I think it’s only to placate and manipulate me.