It is only for his Good Qualities that I could not leave him!
There were two things that kept me stuck in the relationship with my boomerang Narcissist.
- One was the feelings it evoked in me. I would be so confused, why he would pull away, when being together felt so good.
- The other was that when he wasn’t being a jerk, he was really a great guy.
The feelings I had were incredibly strong, I was convinced I was in love with him. Once I was free of him and our relationship I realized that he was feeling something completely different than I was.
In the moment he’d behaved like someone who cared, who was content, affectionate and happy. I was completely oblivious to what he was really feeling.
It didn’t make a lick of sense to me and I felt compelled to figure it out, to help and to fix in any way that I could, because the good times, I thought, were just so damn good and how could he not be feeling what I was feeling.
The realization, that we weren’t sharing the same feelings, hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to spend every minute with him and it never even occurred to me that he didn’t feel the same way.
When he was with me he sure didn’t act like that.
We laughed, we talked, we cuddled, we held hands, for the most part, it was really wonderful and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want that all the time.
Figuring out that he didn’t and/or couldn’t feel the same way about me was a game changer. I had figured out part of the riddle.
But that was only part of it.
The next was –
Why couldn’t he be that great guy I got glimpses of all the time?
That was the guy I was in love with.
I really didn’t care much for the angry, neurotic, insecure man/child that I got the rest of the time.
No one is 100% all good or 100% all bad. People are all different shades of grey. I’m sure even serial killers have some great qualities, but they’re certainly not someone I would want to date.
When we are evaluating whether or not a person is good for us, we have to look at the whole picture of who that person is and not just on the bits that we like.
Even married couples have a few things they don’t particularly like about their partner, he leaves toothpaste in the sink, she hangs her bras in the bathroom to dry, she makes grinding noises when she sleeps, he snores,etc.
These kinds of things are typical in all relationships,
But when you’re talking about major issues like:
- Porn addiction
- Compulsive lying
- Fear of commitment
- Disappearing acts
- Emotional abuse.
These are deal breakers and they have to be. If your mate is exhibiting any of these behaviors any one of them is a good enough reason to walk away and if you’re still wanting to stay, then somebody better signal Houston, because there’s a problem.
I’ve had readers tell me that they felt like their partners were their soulmates and if it wasn’t for this pesky bad behavior things would be perfect.
The thing is these pesky behaviors do exist.
They’re real and they are likely not going to go away, at the very least not without being acknowledged, a strong desire to change and the appropriate amount of commitment to the therapy and to doing the work.
Even after all that, the odds for a positive outcome still aren’t in your favor.
Another realization I had,
Was that that great guy that my boomerang Narcissist was, when he was with me, didn’t exist.
He was a great guy, charming, funny, an attentive lover, because he wanted something from me.
He liked to waltz into my life and weave this fantasy web for me.