Do you tend to get attracted to narcissists, more than you think?
When it comes to love, you don’t always choose who you fall for.
Love can capture you anytime and any day, and that is precisely why love is beautiful. There is a catch, however; some people are lucky in love and some people are not. People belonging to the latter tend to go through many broken relationships and are left wondering about where and how they are going wrong.
Well, sometimes is it not you but the person you are choosing to be with, in a relationship. Narcissism has always been there, and there are many people who tend to get attracted to narcissists, without even knowing it. Narcissists tend to have that effect on you.
In the article below Dr. Elinor Greenberg talks about why some of us, attract so many narcissists in our life and how we can avoid getting involved with those, who mistreat us.
Why Am I Attracting So Many Narcissists?
Many people feel as if they are “narcissist magnets.” If there is a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder within 100 feet, they believe that somehow that person will be attracted to them. They often ask me: “Why am I attracting more narcissists than anyone else around me? What can I do to stop this?” If you share this problem, I may have some answers for you.
It may not be that you attract more narcissists than other people, but you may be keeping more. Let me explain.
Let’s imagine that you are looking for a new mate. You go out on a date with someone that you find attractive and witty. After a few dates, you notice that your new romantic interest is exquisitely sensitive to slights, needs to be the center of admiring attention, ignores your feelings, and requires lots of reassurance about how great he or she is. You do not need to be able to diagnose a narcissist to be disturbed by this type of behavior. At this point, many people who have no knowledge of narcissism at all will politely disengage themselves from the relationship because the trouble of catering to their new friend’s needs outweighs any possible benefits. What do you do?
Here are some questions to think about:
- Have you ever ended a relationship because the other person was too selfish?
- Do you have clear boundaries that you enforce about what types of behaviors you will or will not tolerate from a romantic partner?
- If a relationship began wonderfully, but quickly goes downhill, do you stay in it hoping that it will improve?
- Do you put up with being devalued?
- Do you make excuses for the other person’s bad behavior?—They don’t really mean it. They had a hard day.
- If the person’s behavior turns abusive do you leave immediately?
If any of the above seems to relate to you, you probably need to revisit your standards of what you will tolerate from a romantic partner. This does not mean that you should never date people with narcissistic traits, but you do need to develop better strategies for sifting out those people whose bad behavior distresses you. Some people do this automatically. If they feel taken advantage of or uncomfortable, they exit the relationship without looking back. You may be giving the wrong people too many chances and staying with them for too long. This increases the likelihood that you are keeping narcissistic people that others would weed out before they got seriously hurt.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.” — Amanda Torroni
An Example: Tina and Bob on a first date
Tina was on a first date with Bob and enjoying his company. He was attractive and seemed to be very interested in her. They found lots of things to talk about and she could feel a strong physical attraction developing between them.
But, then Bob starting asking Tina some questions that she found too intrusive for a first date: “Why had her last relationship broken up? How many previous sexual partners did she have?”
Tina tried to change the topic, but Bob kept going back to ask her even more intrusive things. What he found amusing and interesting topics of conversation, Tina found painful and embarrassing. Bob was tone-deaf to Tina’s hints, so she decided to be more direct: “Your questions are making me uncomfortable. They feel too personal for our level of relationship. Let’s just enjoy our date together and talk about something else.”