Why Most People Stay In An Abusive Relationship: The #1 Reason

 / 

,
Reason Most People Stay In Abusive Relationship

Why do we stay in an abusive relationship, despite knowing that what’s happening to us is not right? There can be many reasons for staying in an abusive relationship, but one, in particular, is the most important.

Your partner verbally and physically abuses you, but you can’t find the courage to leave him. Instead, you choose to stay in an abusive relationship.

He manipulates, controls, degrades, and berates you. You suppress your hurt feelings. You even make excuses for his reprehensible, hurtful behavior.

He promises repeatedly to quit drinking, to get counseling for his anger issues, and to stop verbally and physically battering you. Instead, he blindsides you with a cutting remark or rages at you for no clear reason.

You know in your heart that your relationship is a lost cause, and yet you stay with a man who is slowly destroying you.

Related: 5 Reasons You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex

Girl, where is your sense of survival?

What relationship could possibly be worth the horrific conflict, mental mutilation, bruises, and busted lips at the hands of a punishing, irate boyfriend or husband?

Why does a woman stay with a man who mistreats her so badly?

We hear from many people who are in or were into abusive relationships, they say that they love their abusive partner and they wonder, “Why do I love someone who has hurt me so much?” It’s definitely a strange, confusing feeling.

If you’re struggling with feelings of love for an abusive partner, it could be for a number of reasons. Let’s dive into this article to understand what might be contributing to these feelings.

Stay in an abusive relationship
Why stay in an abusive relationship

There are compelling reasons why women stay in an abusive relationship with an abusive partner:

  • The abuse may occur over a short period of time, and she is able to shrug it off.
  • He may tell her, “I’m sorry, it will never happen again,” and she believes him.
  • She may have been abused as a child or witnessed her mother abused by her father, and she accepts it as normal behavior, consciously, or unconsciously.
  • She may be financially dependent on him, or she may have a fear of living alone.
  • She may fear her partner and may believe she has no power to change the situation.
  • She may fear his suicide; he says he’ll kill himself if she leaves.
  • She may have religious and cultural beliefs or a misguided sense of loyalty that keeps her tied to her relationship—or she stays for “the sake of the children.”
  • She is in denial about the abuse. He is often loving and lovable which helps her excuse and minimize his episodes of cruelty or violence.
  • The sex with him is intense and she is addicted to an erotic emotional attachment to him.

These reasons are to some extent understandable—but there must be a greater force that ties a woman’s soul to a man who unmercifully batters her.

Related: Emotionally Abusive People And Their 20 Identifying Traits

Bonding with the enemy.

Seduction, deception, and betrayal are core components of an abusive relationship.

You fell in love with the most wonderful man you’ve ever known. He adored you. He understood you. He showered you with attention, affection, and gifts. He got into your head, your heart, and your bed.

You were overwhelmed by the love you felt for him. You allowed him into your life because you trusted him. And then he began to criticize, control, and demean you and the cycle of abuse begins.

Your partner’s demeanor changes, suddenly or gradually. Once he was loving, considerate, and patient, now he ridicules you, unjustly blames and condemns you, and erupts in unprovoked, uncontrollable anger. His behavior is punishing, demoralizing, and menacing. It’s as if he enjoys the anguish and tears he causes you.

After each abusive event, he apologizes profusely for his cruel behavior and the “battering phase” ends. He appears contrite. He is quasi-agreeable, considerate, and attentive. He may agree to quit drinking or go to counseling.

In spite of his volatile, harmful behavior, you are grateful for his change of heart and you are optimistic that his remorse is genuine—so you forgive him, you have makeup sex and you enter the “calm-loving-respite phase.”

Having forgiven him, you are doubly emotionally invested in the relationship.

Inevitably, he begins to batter you again and you are drawn deeper into the traumatic bonding experience.

Your emotional suffering is profound. You are conflicted by the intense love-hate-regret-sorrow-fearful feelings you have for your boyfriend or husband. One minute you despise him and you want him out of your life permanently and the next morning you can’t live without him.

Unaware of the dynamics of the abuse-trauma-bonding process, you describe your acute emotions as best you can—you call it love and you lament to reunite with him.

Related: It Isn’t Love – It Is Narcissistic Abuse

Your life becomes a constant act of emotional survival. The cycle of abuse is a roller coaster of tension building, battering, and honeymoon.

The more times you are abused—the more times you experience your abuser’s rejection, cruelty, and treachery. If you try to leave him, he controls you with his threats and insincere and short-lived promises to change and he convinces you to stay in the relationship until his next episode of battering and violence.

Every time you reconcile with your abuser…

  • You adapt and learn to cope with his disapproval, rejection, deception, cruelty, betrayal, and anger that progressively destroys your self-worth.
  • You are telling him you condone his abusive behavior, giving him the green light to increase the frequency and intensity of his abuse.
  • You incur more and more self-doubt, confusion, disbelief, depression, guilt, shame, isolation, anxiety, fear, and hopelessness.
  • You become addicted to experiencing the “honeymoon phase,” craving his love, acceptance, and approval.
  • Your sense of helplessness and dependency on your abuser increases.
Stay in an abusive relationship
Stay in an abusive relationship

Don’t ignore your oppressed reality.

If you don’t understand the destructive dynamics of an abusive relationship, you might not understand what is happening to you.

Your abusive partner’s centralized goal is to define your entire life’s experience. His abuse gradually strips you of your confidence, ambition, joy, independence, and self-worth, rendering you totally dependent on him for your security, happiness, and welfare.

Recognizing abuse for what it is, an attempt to gain power and control over another is the first step to regaining your personal power.

Learn everything you can about abusive relationships and innately angry men; read books and online articles.

Related: Teach Your Kids These Warning Signs Of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

Don’t suffer in silence; get counseling and confide in your friends and family. Decide not to stay in an abusive relationship. Develop an exit strategy, leave him permanently, begin your personal healing, and start to rebuild your life.

Guys, flip the dialogue, women can be equally nasty critters.

If you find this post helpful, leave a comment below. Also, share it with your friends.

Want to know more about why does someone stay in an abusive relationship? Check this video out below!

Why do I stay in an abusive relationship

Written By Nancy Nichols 

Originally Published on Know It All Nancy

Printed with permission

Being in an abusive relationship: Why do people stay in an abusive relationship
Reason Why Most People Stay In An Abusive Relationship Pin
Being in an abusive relationship: Reasons for staying in an abusive relationship
Reason Most People Stay In Abusive Relationship pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Response

  1. Dominique Ruocco Avatar
    Dominique Ruocco

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥. All true. 💔💯🙏🎨🎵🖌️📘🎩👞👗😱🕳️💪👁️🧠🧓🙆‍♀️🤸‍♀️🛌🔥🎨🎯🏏♥️🏆👗🎩👞⚰️I live in Cape Town. South Africa. Sending u hugs xx. Luv Dominique. Stickers r my story. Phone broke. I’m using Pinterest. Hope 2 get thhro 2 u.

Leave a Reply



Up Next

7 Red Flags Of A Future Faking Narcissist: Beyond The Façade

Red Flags Of A Future Faking Narcissist: Beyond The Façade

Have you interacted with someone who promises you the world, but when the time comes to do good on their promise, they leave you high and dry? Chances are you might be dealing with a future faking narcissist.

Future faking narcissists are charming and diabolical at the same time, and are experts at lying through their teeth. They will paint a picture-perfect image of themselves in front of you and will promise you a beautiful future. However, it’s all smokes and mirrors.

In this article, we are going to talk about the signs of future faking narcissists, so that it’s easier for you to understand when someone is genuinely interested in building a future with you and when someone is simply playing you.



Up Next

Are Your Parents Manipulating You? 4 Warning Signs Of Manipulative Parents And How To Break Free 

Signs of Manipulative Parents You Can't Ignore

Have you ever found yourself constantly doubting your own thoughts and feelings, or feeling guilty for asserting your needs? Does it have anything to do with your parents’ words or behaviors? If so, it may be important to identify the signs of manipulative parents.

Some toxic parents can be masterminds of manipulation, who know all the tricks to keep you under their thumb. They can easily disguise their behavior and create a deep negative impact on their children’s emotional well-being and development. 

Being aware of manipulative parents, recognizing the things they say, and knowing the signs are essential steps towards breaking free from their influence.

Understanding Manipulative Parents



Up Next

How To Deal With Verbal Harassment In The Workplace? 10 Effective Coping Mechanisms

How To Deal With Verbal Harassment? Best Coping Mechanisms

Imagine you’re at work, minding your own business, when all of the sudden, you find yourself in a tough spot. Your coworker, well, let’s call him Mr. Insensitive, starts hurling hurtful comments at you like they’re going for the gold medal in a stand-up comedy gig. So, how to deal with verbal harassment?

Dealing with verbal harassment in the workplace is like being trapped in a never-ending loop of awkwardness and frustration. But don’t worry, because together we’re going to look at how to deal with verbal harassment, because ain’t nobody got time for that nonsense.

Before we get down to understanding strategies regarding how to handle verbal harassment in the workplace, let’s find out what is verbal harassment and some verbal harassment examples.



Up Next

How To Deal With An Obsessive Ex That Won’t Leave You Alone: 5 Steps You Can Take

How To Deal With Obsessive Ex: Urgent Steps You Can Take

Dealing with an obsessive ex is one of the most horrible experiences one can go through. What are the best ways to handle obsessive people? What are the effective steps you can take when it comes to dealing with an obsessive ex? Let’s find out!

There are certain people who just can’t handle being dumped. They go crazy. They hate losing their “control” and “power” over their partners.

Recently my good friend ended an abusive relationship. Thankfully he realised he was in a relationship with a narcissist and that his only way forward was without her. Soon after the relationship ended, he found a new partner — he was ecstatic, he was just about to ride off into the sunset with his sweetheart.

There was one issue — his e



Up Next

7 Signs Someone Is Projecting Onto You: Are You Bearing Someone Else’s Burden?

Signs Someone Is Projecting Their Emotional Baggage On You

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and it felt like they were accusing you of things that didn’t seem like you? It’s as if they’re dumping their own issues on you, leaving you scratching your head, wondering what is happening. Well, this is just one of the many signs someone is projecting their emotional baggage on you.

You’re gradually realizing that you are being blamed for things that’re not your fault at all. You are being accused to be the kind of person you are not. It’s as though they’re running their private movie theater, and you’ve become their projection screen.

But before we get int



Up Next

Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic

Dog Whistling Narcissist: Covert Ways They Manipulate You

Have you ever had the feeling that when you are talking to someone, there’s a hidden message they’re trying to get across to you? A message that feels insulting, condescending and hurtful? If you answered yes, then you are dealing with a dog whistling narcissist, my friend.

These people are experts at sending subtle messages that are extremely hurtful and humiliating, but only you understand it, not anyone else. When a narcissist uses dog whistling, their main motive is to manipulate you and keep you under their control. They’ll use it to dominate you, and put you down, while pretending to be harmless.

But what is dog whistling, and how narcissists use dog whistling? Let’s find out, shall we?



Up Next

8 Powerful Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting With Confidence

Powerful Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting With Confidence

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you felt like everything you are saying or feeling is being dismissed and invalidated, even though you know you’re right? If you answered yes, then you were subjected to gaslighting. If you have experienced this, then remember these 8 phrases to shut down gaslighting like a boss.

When someone makes you question your reality, it can feel extremely frustrating and depressing. We’ve all been there at some point. These little digs can make you feel like you’re on thin ice, be it from a friend, family member or that one co-worker.

But hey, you’ve come to the