Do you still miss your abusive ex? Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you.
But even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I’m nestled in his arms, this will leave another scar. No one will see it. No one will know. But it will be there. And eventually all of the scars will have scars, and that’s all I’ll be–one big scar of a love gone wrong.” ― Amanda Grace, But I Love Him.
How many times have you felt that your ex was an abuser and that you have been lucky enough to get rid of them? You might fake that smile when your peers tell you that you should be happy because you are not in that harmful relationship anymore. But you can’t confess that you still miss your ex, knowing well that they were abusive.
You might ponder upon the fact that you were in pain during the relationship and now that it’s over, you should be happy about it. Why then do you miss them? What’s wrong with you?
Well, the truth is, there is nothing wrong with you. An abusive relationship takes a toll on the victim’s psychological health which is why you miss your abusive ex. It might seem to you that you have been able to get out of the relationship but that getting out is basically withdrawal. What you have done is withdrawn yourself while deep within, you miss your ex which is perfectly legitimate.
5 Reasons You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex!
(1) You suffer from Stockholm Syndrome:
Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological condition when the victim is made to develop a crazy empathy for the abuser. You love your abusive partner so much so that you justify the abuses and would not want to leave them. No matter how much abuse you are, you would not leave because you are emotionally attached to your partner. For every abusive deed, you will try to justify it either by blaming yourself or by taking empathy on the abuser.
‘She was bullied in school’, ‘ he had a horrible childhood’, ‘ she was ill-treated by her relatives’, ‘ he lost his father’, etcetera will be your excuses. Since the person has already showered their love upon you, it will be hard for you to believe that they are abusive. Even after leaving them, you will still miss your abusive ex.
(2) You miss the good times you spent with your ex:
Abusive partners are not at all abusive in the beginning. They spend a good amount of time showing testimonies of their love to their partners before revealing their true colours. Hence, you believe in those moments of love while your abusive ex was faking it all along.
These good times make you believe that this abusive relationship is not permanent; perhaps your partner will change and you will get back these moments. What you fail to understand that there’s no question of changing for your partner. Your partner had these traits and faked love in front of you.
(3) Your partner had a traumatic past:
Our life is not a merry journey on a ship. All of us have our share of chaotic waves. We have our traumas but the intensity might be different. It might happen that your ex had more trauma than you. Since you loved them so much, you believed that the abuses are just their way of coping up with their trauma.
Related: How to Leave A Narcissist or Abuser