Do you still miss your abusive ex? Trust me, there is nothing wrong with you. After getting out of a toxic and abusive relationship it is quite normal to miss your abusive ex.
“But even when I stop crying, even when we fall asleep and I’m nestled in his arms, this will leave another scar. No one will see it. No one will know. But it will be there. And eventually all of the scars will have scars, and that’s all I’ll be–one big scar of a love gone wrong.” ― Amanda Grace, But I Love Him.
How many times have you felt that your ex was an abuser and that you have been lucky enough to get rid of them? You might fake that smile when your peers tell you that you should be happy because you are not in that harmful relationship anymore. But you can’t confess that you still miss your ex, knowing well that they were abusive.
You might ponder upon the fact that you were in pain during the relationship and now that it’s over, you should be happy about it. Why then do you miss them? What’s wrong with you? And is it normal to miss your abusive ex?
Well, the truth is, there is nothing wrong with you. An abusive relationship takes a toll on the victim’s psychological health which is why you miss your abusive ex.
It might seem to you that you have been able to get out of the relationship but that getting out is basically withdrawal. What you have done is withdrawn yourself while deep within, you miss your ex which is perfectly legitimate.
Related: Ways We Rationalize Abuse and Blame Ourselves Instead
5 Reasons You Still Miss Your Abusive Ex
(1) You suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.
Stockholm Syndrome is a psychological condition in which the victim is made to develop a crazy empathy for the abuser. You love your abusive partner so much so that you justify the abuses and would not want to leave them.
No matter how abused you are, you would not leave because you are emotionally attached to your partner. For every abusive deed, you will try to justify it either by blaming yourself or by taking empathy for the abuser.
‘She was bullied in school’, ‘He had a horrible childhood’, ‘She was ill-treated by her relatives’, ‘he lost his father’, etcetera will be your excuses. Since the person has already showered their love upon you, it will be hard for you to believe that they are abusive. Even after leaving them, you will still miss your abusive ex.
(2) You miss the good times you spent with your ex.
Abusive partners are not at all abusive in the beginning. They spend a good amount of time showing testimonies of their love to their partners before revealing their true colors. Hence, you believe in those moments of love while your abusive ex was faking it all along.
These good times make you believe that this abusive relationship is not permanent; perhaps your partner will change and you will get back these moments. What you fail to understand is that there’s no question of changing for your partner. Your partner had these traits and faked love in front of you.
Related: How Can I Stop Being in Love with Someone Who Abuses Me?
(3) Your partner had a traumatic past.
Our life is not a merry journey on a ship. All of us have our share of chaotic waves. We have our traumas but the intensity might be different. It might happen that your ex had more trauma than you. Since you loved them so much, you believed that the abuse are just their way of coping with their trauma.
But no matter how much trauma you have gone through, it’s inhumane to make others suffer for it. You need to understand that it’s an act of foolishness to justify such harmful behaviour through past trauma.
If your ex had a problem coping with the trauma, you were there to support them. There are various support groups and counseling centers too. You cannot be a punching bag. So, stop thinking about your abusive ex.
(4) You feel everything is your fault.
In abusive relationships, the predator makes the victim suffer from shame. They make things look as if it’s your fault. This makes you feel that you are the reason the relationship failed and hence, you should be ashamed of yourself.
So, even after getting out of the relationship, you believe that you are to be blamed for the break-up; you miss your abusive ex because you are made to believe that they are not responsible for it, but you are.
(5) You still believe things could have been different.
You fell in love with your abusive ex because of certain qualities you had seen in them. They were the person you have always wanted to be with.
When they became abusive, you were manipulated into believing that everything is your fault. Since you are in love with the good qualities they have displayed, you still believe that perhaps things could have been different had you not behaved in certain ways.
Related: How to Leave A Narcissist or Abuser
It’s important that you come out of these thoughts and understand that you deserve to be loved back too. You can’t remove the memories but you can ignore them. Don’t let yourself be manipulated by such negativity. Move on. Good luck!
Want to know more about why you are still missing abusive ex? Check this video out below!
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