“How Can I Stop Being In Love With Someone Who Abuses Me?”
Understanding the root cause of abusive relationships and breaking free.
By Dr. Elinor Greenberg
Clarence Darrow said:
History repeats itself, that is one of the things wrong with history.
If you are still in love with someone who physically and emotionally abuses you, your main problem is your past not your present.
It is quite likely that in your childhood, you loved a parent who abused you.
Children love their parents and seek their approval, even when the parent is abusive.
Eventually, over time your brain made the connection and love became coupled with abuse. In fact for some people, Love = Abuse.
As one woman said to me:
“How will I know if he cares, if he doesn’t beat me?”
Your past connection between love and abuse persisted into the present and is one of the reasons that you still love your abusive mate.
Unfinished Situations Persist in Memory
Gestalt Psychologists Kurt Lewin (1890-1941) and Bluma Zeigarnik (1900-1988) theorized that unfinished situations from the past press for fulfillment in the present.
Bluma Zeigarnik went on to research this topic and published her findings in 1927. This need for closure and its persistence in our mind has come to be called “The Zeigarnik Effect.”