“When we meet and fall into the gravitational pull of a narcissist, we are entering a significant life lesson that involves learning how to create boundaries, self-respect, and resilience. Through trial and error (and a lot of pain), our connection with narcissists teaches us the necessary lessons we need to become mature empaths.”
― Mateo Sol
Any relationship is challenging. We grow in relationship and things change with time; so do we. But a relationship with a narcissist is perhaps the toughest one to maintain, especially when it’s marriage. The narcissist spouse is always self-absorbed in themselves, indifferent towards your needs, can ignore you as if you don’t exist at all and insensitive to your emotions. They would even become abusive, both verbally and physically and never apologize for that. Such a relationship will leave you getting hurt, lose your self-worth and might turn destructive.
Negotiating with a narcissist individual is literally impossible because the narcissist would never want to be responsible for their behaviors and adjust with their spouse.
Married to a Narcissist? Then what can you do?
Either you finally break away from the marriage which leaves you devastated, losing faith in yourself and on others too. The other option you can think of is adjusting but you should remember that your narcissist spouse will never change and this is going to be difficult than you imagine. It will cost you your emotions. So, you must learn the correct strategies which will guide you because unless you follow them, you will end up getting drained yourself. It will be more painful to live together than breaking away.
Narcissism is a personality disorder. So, don’t expect your spouse to change for you even after seeing you suffering. While it’s true that narcissists are extremely difficult to handle, just don’t start hating them even if you have a million reasons to do so. What you should do is change your attitude towards them.
One must remember that a narcissist person is not a sadist no matter how similar they are in inflicting pain upon their loved ones. Both of them will hurt you but their reactions are different. While hurting you, a narcissist person will not understand that you are in pain but a sadist person will definitely understand your pain and will seek pleasure from your suffering.
It’s easy to fall in love with a narcissist. They will make you king or queen of their worlds. They will worship you and pour so much of love that you are bound to reciprocate. After marriage, your narcissist spouse will reveal their true colors. All the flowers, chocolates and sweet nothings of courtship are gone. It’s all insults, abuse, harsh criticisms and ignorance for you.
This makes you feel you are losing your self-esteem, you are being used and you don’t value yourself. You try to give more to please your significant other but you find yourself drained. Now, it’s time for you to take the call. It’s either you stay or you quit.
Before taking any decision, you must understand whether the problem you are having with your spouse is because of narcissism or not.
Here are the ways to identify narcissism in your spouse:
(1) They lack empathy. It’s not possible for them to understand others’ problems.
(2) They are extremely egoistic and proud of themselves.
(3) They will expect their loved ones to do everything for their benefit but they will not reciprocate in return.
(4) They are always seeking admiration from others.
(5) They are jealous of others who are flourishing well.
(6) Lying comes natural to them.
(7) They are violent, often verbally and physically. They abuse their spouses and don’t even feel sorry for their actions.
If your spouse displays at least some of these characteristics, then it’s definitely narcissism.
When you are married to a narcissist, an imbalance is created in your family life. Since you choose not to leave your significant other, here are the things you can do:
(1) Fuel up their ego. Cajole with all the sugar-coated words to make them do things. Once their ego is well-fed, they will do what you want them to.
(2) Always bring up the positive sides of your partner. Praise them for some good deed they have done. This will make them do these again.