The Female Facade: Female Narcissists May Be Statistically Uncommon, But Highly Dangerous

the female facade narcissists

A healthy relationship should consist of two people taking equal responsibility for the cultivation of the partnership. Although every relationship will hit roadblocks and painful moments, the bad should not outweigh the good. When one is dating a person with narcissistic traits, however, the bad becomes a way of life, and the good moments are few and far between.

In his book Hardwiring Happiness (2013), Rick Hanson discusses how, mentally, there is never enough good to outweigh the bad. For a relationship to be “worth it,” for example, there needs to be a ratio of 3:1. Three good moments, memories, events, and the like are needed to cancel out just one bad day. In a narcissistic relationship, the good is almost nonexistent and the strength to leave is scarce.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a form of psychological abuse. Jacob says he was, and still is, his wife’s verbal punching bag and is the only person in her life treated as such. She broke into his email, is immensely passive-aggressive, and purposely seeks to emasculate her husband.

Aaron recalls that during his marriage, he was not allowed to be sad or show emotion because, if he did, he wasn’t “a real man.”

A qualitative study done by University of Bristol researchers revealed that men who suffer abuse from their partners often stay in the relationship because of depression, a sense of duty, or true concern for their partners. Unfortunately, men also feel they won’t be believed if they say they are being abused.

Says lead researcher Alyson Huntley, “The issue of masculinity is a societal one — men are not expected to be the weak ones. It is a hard stereotype to work against” (in Mathias, 2019).

Related: Histrionic Personality Disorder: How This Type Of Narcissism Works In Women

Psychological abuse encompasses both emotional and mental abuse and results in a myriad of lasting trauma. Anxiety, chronic depression, post-traumatic stress, low self-esteem, mood swings, and unstable emotions can be deeply scarring and difficult to heal. Domestic violence can take the form of physical, emotional, verbal, or financial abuse.

Jacob, for example, finds himself at 60 years old with “no retirement, no savings, and no financial backup.” His wife spent money aggressively over the years and failed to properly handle the finances. “I let her handle the finances to show my trust…I failed in assuming she was working for a future for us.”

Abuse does not need to be physical or result in bruises to be considered painful, and help does not exist solely for women. Aaron was able to divorce his ex-wife and is sharing custody of their daughter.

He limits his conversations and interactions with her and simply focuses on improving himself and raising his daughter. Jacob has “disengaged” from his wife and is working on attaining a legal separation per state mandates.

Help exists, regardless of gender or sexual identification. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.TheHotline.org. You can chat with an advocate directly on the website or call the toll-free helpline. Teens and young adults can contact the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at LoveIsRespect.org.

* I am deeply grateful to the gentlemen who came forward to share their stories and requested that this issue be made more public. It is never easy, and always terrifying, to come forward and speak out. I wish you all peace and strength.


Written By Kristy Lee Hochenberger 
Originally Published In Psychology Today

Now that you have an idea about how women behave when they are narcissists, hopefully, you will be able to counter their dirty tricks and not fall for them again. It takes a lot of mental and emotional strength to fight against a narcissist, but don’t give up and don’t let them destroy your life.

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The Female Facade: Female Narcissists May Be Statistically Uncommon, But Highly Dangerous
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The Female Facade: Female Narcissists May Be Statistically Uncommon, But Highly Dangerous
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Kristy Lee Hochenberger

Kristy Lee Hochenberger is a doctoral student of psychology at Capella University and a member of Psi Chi, the international honor society in psychology. A graduate of prestigious Wells College, Kristy Lee is also a licensed funeral director and co-founder of Salt City Legacy Scholars, Inc, a 501c3 nonprofit organization that awards scholarships and financial assistance to young women across New York State. In addition to her Bachelor's degree, Kristy Lee has an Associate's Degree in Occupational Services as well as a Master of Business Administration. A native of Queens, NY, she currently resides in upstate New York where she is an adjunct faculty member at Syracuse University School of Information Studies (iSchool) and University of the People.View Author posts