What is Narcissistic Abuse: 16 Signs To Identify And How To Protect

What is Narcissistic Abuse Signs To Identify And Protect

People who go through narcissistic abuse know how mentally crippling and psychologically draining it can be. Narcissistic abuse can single-handedly destroy your confidence, and happiness, and make you lose their faith in human decency. To say that it is horrible is an understatement.

Narcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire.

But deep down, narcissists feel the gap between the facade they show the world and their shame-based self. They work hard to avoid feeling that shame. This gap is true for other codependents, as well, but a narcissist uses destructive defense mechanisms that damage relationships and their loved ones’ self-esteem.

Many of the narcissist’s coping mechanisms are abusive–hence the term, “narcissistic abuse.” However, someone can be abusive, but not be a narcissist.

Addicts and people with other mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder and antisocial personality disorder (sociopathy) and borderline personality disorders are also abusive, as are many codependents without a mental illness. Abuse is abuse, no matter what is the abuser’s diagnosis.

If you’re a victim of abuse, the main challenges for you are:

  • Clearly identifying it;
  • Building a support system; and
  • Learning how to strengthen and protect yourself.

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Abuse may be emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual. Here are a few examples of abuse you may not have identified:

1. Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse includes belittling, bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticizing, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking, and name-calling.

Note that many people occasionally make demands, use sarcasm, interrupt, oppose, criticize, blame, or block you. Consider the context, malice, and frequency of the behavior before labeling it narcissistic abuse.

Related: 19 Things A Narcissist Says and What They Really Mean

2. Manipulation

Generally, manipulation is the indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. Often, it expresses covert aggression.

Think of a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” On the surface, the words seem harmless – even complimentary; but underneath you feel demeaned or sense a hostile intent. If you experienced manipulation growing up, you may not recognize it as such. See my blog on spotting manipulation.

3. Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail may include threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment. It’s a form of manipulation that provokes doubt in you. You feel the fear, obligation, and or guilt sometimes referred to as “FOG”.

4. Gaslighting

Intentionally making you distrust your perceptions of reality or believe that you’re mentally incompetent.

Related: Top 10 Warning Signs You’re Being Gaslighted in Your Relationship

5. Competition

Competing and one-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means. E.g. cheating in a game.

6. Negative contrasting

Unnecessarily making comparisons to negatively contrast you with the narcissist or other people.

7. Sabotage

Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.

8. Exploitation and objectification

Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs.

Related: Anxiety Disorders Could Be Caused By Being Exposed To Narcissistic Abuse

9. Lying

Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends.

10. Withholding

Withholding such things as money, sex, communication or affection from you.

11. Neglect

Ignoring the needs of a child for whom the abuser is responsible. Includes child endangerment; i.e., placing or leaving a child in a dangerous situation.

12. Privacy invasion

Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, mail; denying your physical privacy, or stalking or following you; ignoring privacy you’ve requested.

13. Character assassination or slander

Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people.

14. Violence

This includes blocking your movement, pulling hair, throwing things, or destroying your property.

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Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an expert author on relationships and codependency. She's counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. Her books and other online booksellers and her website.View Author posts