When you thought you two had a happy and bright future together, but that didn’t turn out to be true, and all you were left with were pieces of a broken relationship.
Even more than getting over the love, the time spent together, some of the hardest things to cope with during a breakup is the loss of a future together.
“We talked about marriage, and kids.”
“We spent many times describing our dream home and how many dogs we’d have.”
Yeah, those thoughts and those conversations absolutely contribute to the grieving process. In many cases (I include myself here), it’s harder to deal with this than the actual relationship and time you had.
Alongside hanging onto the future you two painted, there’s another factor that I feel intertwines in all of this, and it’s hanging onto the story of how you two met.
Maybe you two have the same birthday and it’s like what ARE the chances!? It’s got to be a sign, right?
Maybe you two met years ago and reconnected and it feels like fate.
Maybe you both grew up in the same town but met across the coast.
Maybe you two met when you were at work and they were a customer.
Okay, that last one was me with my ex when I worked at the pharmacy.
So, sometimes you’re trying to wrap your head about the future, and also the story of how you guys met.
It swirls in your mind…over and over.
You’ve likely talked about this with your friends at length and they’ve gently tried to nudge you that you can’t hang onto the future or onto the story of how you met.
But, I’m here to tell you that your grieving process is your own, and it’s perfectly normal (and expected in many ways) to grieve the loss of the future.
In this process, you might ask yourself (on repeat), “so why did they say they loved me if they didn’t see a future?”
“Why did they paint those elaborate vacations we had planned if they were never planning on taking me on them?”
Honestly, I can’t answer this for you. What I can say is that asking questions about WTF happened during your relationship is healthy and normal when you’re working through your breakup.
But Nancy, “should I get closure from them?”
“Should I text them my angry messages to let them know how I feel about how they completely fooled me?”
Here’s my response: Listen to your intuition. If that subtle voice is saying, “don’t text, don’t text, DON’T TEXT” but you feel like you can’t control it….
Do this meditation.
It’s amazing what a perfectly-timed meditation can do to stop you from doing something you MAY regret.
But, truthfully, it’s so hard to let go of those future plans you made. What helps me in these moments when I feel like I’m clinging to the “what could have been” is reminding myself of all the times things DIDN’T work out, and how grateful I am because of that.