Why Narcissists Use Stonewalling As a Nasty and Powerful Defence Mechanism


Why Narcissists Use Stonewalling

Narcissists Use Stonewalling

One of the best feelings for narcissists is when they get to stonewall their victims. Narcissists stonewall you because they know that it will hit all your weak spots and affect you to no end.

Stonewalling is a nasty and powerful defense mechanism narcissists use to painfully trigger you.

Let me show you how to get completely impervious to their stonewalling tactics so you can create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with the respect that you deserve.

This way you won’t be provoked into reacting in an emotional way.

Want to know more about why narcissists stonewall you? Check this video out below:

Why Narcissists Stonewall You

We’re going to be covering why narcissist use stonewalling as a nasty and powerful defence mechanism, exactly how stonewalling affects you and why it is such a painful trigger.

As well as how to get completely impervious to the stonewalling tactic and create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with the respect that you deserve.

All right, let’s get started.

Why Narcissists Use Stonewalling As a Nasty and Powerful Defence Mechanism

So let’s talk about why narcissists use stonewalling as a nasty and powerful defence mechanism.

Really, what this is about is to get control of a conversation. Because you see the thing is that you are confronting a narcissist, you are looking for accountability and you are wanting them to actually be responsible about something.

This is when it is going to trigger the narcissist into stonewalling you if that is the type of narcissist you are dealing with.

Usually, it is more the covert type of narcissist, the overt – the hot one – may rage at you instead. So with stonewalling narcissists, by refusing to participate in the conversation, which means that they may leave or they may just give you the silent treatment or they may literally abandon you – that invalidates you.

Really, a stonewalling statement is, “You don’t matter. I don’t care about you.” What it is also likely to do is to provoke you. By you reacting in an emotional way, this hands the narcissist the bullets to shoot you with because now this is your fault because of your reaction. This is how they can switch the blame.

So now we are not even on the topic of what they initially did to you, that you are asking for some accountability and responsibility or even an explanation about. Now, because of your reaction, you are to blame.

And no matter what you say, you may say, “You are not listening to me. Why won’t you answer me.” Then it will be something like, “Oh, here we go again (with the eye roll)”, or they will just go, “I do not have to be treated like this” and walk out the door.

So it is going to escalate your emotional trigger.

Related: 10 Things That Happen In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Exactly How Stonewalling Affects You and Why it is Such a Painful Trigger

Let us have a look at the next point, which is exactly how stonewalling affects you and why. In other words, why is it such a painful trigger.

Because the stonewalling is going to be in your experience if you have felt in the past that you are not worthy of somebody else’s attention or validation.

And what this is going to bring up for you are feelings of anger, “I am invalidated. I am not worthy of you recognizing how I am feeling or what you have done to me” and these are feelings of victimization, absolutely.

If you have been in a family where you felt like you were not seen, that you are invisible, this is exactly the type of tactic that the narcissist will use against you. Because in the early days when they hooked you they identified that you felt unseen and unmet and pretended to actually be in your life in spades, available to you.

So when you get angry and this panic comes up for you, that is when the narcissist is going to pull away from you even more. Now, here is the danger because the more that you are feeling the trauma, the more that this person is going to traumatize you so you can hand over your power and your rights. You could end up saying, “I am sorry, I should not have acted like this” to try to get the narcissist to reconnect with you.

It is really about all these feelings of abandonment and not feeling good enough, feeling invisible, and feeling like this person does not love you. That is what all of this pain is really about.

How to Get Completely Impervious to the Stonewalling Tactic

So let us have a look at how to get completely impervious to the stonewalling tactic and create your healthy life where people will validate you, meet you kindly and treat you with respect.

How do we do that?

Well, first of all, you have to be able to stop the trigger from going off. You have to be able to turn inward and heal. One of the advantages of a stonewalling narcissist that will use the silent treatment or leave the experience is that you are going to get time and space to be able to do No or Modified Contact.

You need to get very, very clear and I talked about it recently in Healthy Love vs Narcissistic Love, that when somebody will not be present with you and care about your feelings when you have concerns about the relationship, this person is not somebody that you can have a healthy relationship with. So that is exactly what a stonewaller is.

When somebody has that lack of character to create union and mutuality and partnership and kindness, then the only thing that you can do is take your power back, heal, and do Modified or No Contact. It’s imperative. That is exactly what you have to do.

So you are going to be able to turn inwards. You have to turn inwards and heal your triggers, which is always the unfinished, unhealed business from your past. These are the feelings of, “I’m invisible. I don’t matter. The people I love don’t love me back. They aren’t present. They don’t show up. They don’t care about me.”

Because when we go Quantum, we have realized that trying to change somebody else who was triggering your painful programs into the activation of your panic or trying to force that person to do something, all of that is the Wrong Town. It’s handing your power away.

This person is not going to heal your feelings for you. They are going to bring you more of the evidence of your unhealed feelings.

This is about taking back your sanity, your life, and your soul. Which is about going inwards to say to yourself, “What is this really about?” And getting on a path of healing up those young unhealed parts so that you can be an empowered adult in your body, self-partnered, loving and holding, and self-soothing YOU.

Related: 20 Narcissistic Terms: A Glossary of Terms for Understanding Narcissism

Being able to look out to the outer and say, “This is not good enough for me. This is not okay.” Because then you will be able to set the ultimate empowered boundary which is, “I will only do relationships with people who are present and committed and kind and care.”

If you were actually even to express to that person and not get caught up in the word salad, the twisting and turning facts, having to lecture and prescribed and get them to get your boundary. A true boundary is never about trying to get somebody to get your boundary. It is about you getting it.

If you are with a stonewaller you already are in a situation where this person does not have the character or the capacity or the desire to meet you in a healthy relationship. I know it is very painful, but you need to get very clear about that. When you turn inwards and heal, you will not have any attraction to this person.

You want to go after them for the love and care and partnership that you have actually been able to establish and activate within yourself. Then this person is no longer your reality.

I hope that this has really helped and you are now much clearer about the tactic of stonewalling that a narcissist uses and how this has not only been allowing him or her to dodge accountability and stepping up to be a healthier person in relationship with you, but how it has pulled you in to hand more of your soul, rights, values and limits to this person.

I also hope that you now know how you can use a situation of stonewalling – that space, those gaps – to your best advantage. Because that will blindside the narcissist and it will allow you to take your power back.

If you want help with doing this in ways that will allow you to be fearless and strong and to become a force who does generate healthy relationships – which means that you will never tolerate or have to live through these games again – then I would love you to check out my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is known as NARP, which helps you heal and rise from the inside out.

Written By Melanie Tonia Evans  
Originally Appeared In Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcissists stonewall their victims because they love to hurt people and cause them pain and they love it, even more, when they get an emotional reaction out of it. Even though they are the real culprits, this gives them the excuse to paint you as the wrongdoer. So, the next time narcissists try to stonewall you, don’t give them the satisfaction. Keep calm and don’t give them any kind of reaction and just watch them fluster.

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  1. Michelene Avatar

    My husband uses this tactic regularly! It is infuriating! I have tried to get him to read this article and discuss or at least acknowledge its content. In true narc form he refuses. I am working on becoming immune to his stonewalling. I hope to be narc free someday!

    1. Katherine Grabner Avatar
      Katherine Grabner

      The only way for you, is to walk away. Or he will drag you down. I know!

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