How To Know If You’re Dating A Narcissist

Published on:

How To Know If Youre Dating a Narcissist 2

Narcissists are extremely charismatic beings who can woo you on the very first date . As they are master manipulators, it can be difficult to realize that they may have already hooked you. Here are some potential red flags to find out if you’re really dating a narcissist.




Are You Dating A Narcissist?

You won’t realize you’re dating a narcissist. Narcissists are skilled at making people like them. They can be very alluring and charming and exciting to date. In fact, in one study, it took seven meetings for people to see through their likable veneer. In a dating situation, a narcissist has a greater incentive to win you over—sadly, sometimes all the way to the altar. 

Narcissists are often physically attractive, charismatic, and sexually appealing. We’re drawn to their intelligence, entertaining personality, special talents, or professional success. Their company can be pleasurable and never boring. 



Dating is a Game

Dating a Narcissist

Although some narcissists seek long-term relationships, others are expert game-players. To them, “The chase is better than the catch.” Their objective is to receive admiration and get their sexual needs met with little emotional investment.

Relationships are considered transactions and work for them as long as they’re getting their narcissistic supply. The closer you get, the more they equivocate. They want their options open with multiple sources to meet endless needs for supply. They check out other prospects and flirt right in front of you!

Although narcissists lack empathy, they possess emotional intelligence that helps them perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. This enhances their expertise as manipulators. They’re skilled at deception to achieve their aims, sometimes consciously, but at other times, it’s just their style.




They may even believe they’re being sincere. Although in reality, they’re self-centered and emotionally unavailable, initially they may be generous and good listeners. They may even appear to be vulnerable by sharing personal, intimate information. This is a tactic of their seduction strategy. Among their manipulative tactics are flirtation, flattery, and finesse. 

Women narcissists are flirtatious and can charm men with their beauty and sex appeal. Then they play cat and mouse, make them jealous, or act nonchalant to hook men into pursuing them. Male narcissists often seduce with lavish gifts, fine dining, and a classy lifestyle. Some narcissists practice love-bombing and shower their partners with attention verbal, physical, and material expressions of “love” that are hard to resist.

In a normal relationship, you grow closer over a number of months or years. But when it comes to a narcissist, one of the biggest red flags early in a relationship is his blatant desire to move quickly.

Read: How To Identify a Love Bomber: The Narcissist’s Soulmate Scam

Dating Revolves Around the Narcissist

It’s natural to idealize our partner in the romantic phase of a relationship. Unfortunately, for those of us who are lonely, depressed, or codependent, idealization can feed our denial of red flags that should caution us to put on the brakes.

It’s also natural when falling in love to want to spend a lot of time with our partner. We may appreciate a man planning a wonderful evening or a woman who knows what she wants, and we’re happy to go along. 




We don’t notice that the relationship is developing on the narcissist’s terms. Whereas we seek to please, the compromise is a painful loss of power.

Read: Why a Narcissist Does Not Seem Like a Narcissist at First

If we complain, they may act offended and say they’re doing everything for us, but never bother to ask what we want. They like to be in control, and before we know it, we’ve allowed them to control when, where, and what we do and with whom.

Dating a Narcissist

At the start, we go along for the sake of being together, but later out of fear. This is particularly perilous for codependents who easily give up themselves and their friends and activities in new relationships. 

A corollary codependent behavior is not objecting to the narcissist’s decisions and opinions. In the early stages of dating, we might not express anything that could negatively impact the relationship in order not to rock the boat.

When we hesitate to disagree and not express disappointment, irritation, or hurt feelings, we gradually disappear, and like Echo, we only echo what the narcissist believes and wants to hear. We’re not letting him or her know the negative impact of their behavior. So they have no incentive to change.

Accommodating a narcissist feeds their supply and makes codependents and narcissists a perfect match. 




What to Look For

Of course, it’s their positive, not negative, qualities that make us fall in love, but if we’re dating someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, they won’t be able to hide their true colors for long. Some narcissists openly admit they have difficulty with relationships or intimacy. Believe them.

Dating a Narcissist

Even clients who say their spouse completely changed after the wedding, admit that there were telltale signs early on, once they learned more about narcissism and themselves. For example, narcissists often come on strong. They work hard to make you like them in order to get their needs met rather than build a relationship based on knowing you, which doesn’t interest them.

It’s common for narcissists to have outbursts of anger. A small disagreement can quickly erupt into a major conflict.

They won’t take responsibility. Everything is someone else’s fault, and that includes us. But even if they treat you wonderfully, notice if they denigrate their ex, act entitled, or are inconsiderate, manipulative, or demeaning of other people. Assume one day you will be on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Don’t excuse bad behavior toward you or other people. It’s a pattern.

Read: What is Narcissistic Abuse: Signs to Identify It and Ways to Protect Yourself




At the beginning of dating narcissists, we’re fascinated by hearing their achievements and listening to their stories, and entertaining banter. This is also how narcissists elevate their status in their eyes and ours.

As time goes on, it’s clear that the conversation is all about them. Being a good listener is an asset, but with a narcissist, it ensures that we won’t be heard or seen. Some narcissists are dogmatic to maintain superiority.

They always have to be right and won’t listen to a differing opinion. If we’re honest with ourselves, they don’t really seem interested in us, except long enough to get their sexual and emotional needs met. Notice if you feel disengaged, invisible, patronized, or drained by the conversation.

When a narcissist can no longer maintain a superior status through charm and boasting, or should we complain, a narcissist will devalue us to feel superior. They find fault with us or tell us how we should act, dress, eat, or change in some way. Perfectionistic narcissists are the most difficult.

For example, a narcissistic woman might try to makeover her man and tell him how to dress. A male narcissist might focus on his girlfriend’s physical appearance. If we express hurt, narcissists will say that they’re being helpful or that we’re too sensitive.

At first, we might overlook criticism, especially if it’s delivered in a teasing or calm manner and we’ve been abused in the past or have low self-esteem. In time, demeaning remarks will become more frequent, overt, and callous.



When control is extreme, narcissists might interrogate us about our other relationships and conversations with family, our therapist, and friends. They might insist we dress and behave a certain way and try to limit our contacts and activities.

A true narcissist lacks empathy. We end up feeling that we don’t matter and that our needs and feelings are unimportant. If when we share something sad or important with us, our partner doesn’t show appropriate emotional responses, it may signal a lack of empathy.

Relationships with narcissists are challenging for codependents because the symptoms of codependency present obstacles to discerning these warning signs. There are multiple reasons why we might still love an abuser and find it difficult to leave.

This may be because we have an abusive parent or narcissistic mother or father who didn’t value our needs and feelings. Healing codependency will help us change these relationship dynamics so that we’re able to receive real love. 

See Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People 

What do you think? Are you dating a narcissist? Leave your thoughts in the comments.


© Darlene Lancer 2020


Written By: Darlene Lancer
Originally Appeared In: What Is Codependency
Know Youre Dating a Narcissist Pin
How To Know If You're Dating a Narcissist pin
How To Know If You're Dating a Narcissist pinex


— Share —

, ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

7 Subtle Signs You’re Practically Gentle Parenting Your Partner

Clear Signs You Are Parenting Your Partner: Are You?

Do you find yourself in a relationship where you feel less like you’re with a partner and more like you’re raising a child? Constantly teaching, guiding, and hand-holding can be draining, especially when you’re the one doing all the emotional labor, and parenting your partner. 

If this sounds familiar, below are the signs you might be shouldering too much and why it’s time to rethink this relationship.

Read More Here:

Up Next

Is Your Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? 9 Ways to Help Her Break Free

Daughter in a Controlling Relationship? Things You Can Do

Have you ever had a very strong gut feeling that your daughter might not be in a healthy relationship? Or that she is in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? Today we are going to talk about what you can do, when you have a daughter in a controlling relationship.

Yeah, it’s a tough pill to swallow. Bossy boyfriends sneakily isolate, manipulate and dim the light in the people they date. And if your daughter is dating someone like this, then it’s understandable how tough it can be to watch that.

However, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel – as her mother, you can help her break free from her controlling boyfriend. This isn’t about swooping in like a superhero; it’s about being smart, supportive, and steady.

First, let’s start with trying to understand who a controlling boyfriend

Up Next

8 Myths About Gaslighting Exposed: What You Really Need to Know

Myths About Gaslighting Exposed: What You Really Need to Know

Gaslighting is often misunderstood, and myths about gaslighting only adds to the confusion. Understanding this and trying to break down the most common misconceptions can help us uncover the truth about this manipulative behavior.

KEY POINTS

There’s a difference between casual phrases and patterns of manipulative behavior.

Gaslighting can have serious consequences and leave emotional and psychological pain.

Recognizing gaslighters can save you a lot of emotional pain and doubt.

It’s concerning how certain psychological terms can quickly become f

Up Next

6 Phases Of A Relationship With A Narcissist: The Emotional Rollercoaster

Relationship With A Narcissist Phases Of The Toxic Cycle

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, with each phase presenting new challenges and realizations. These phases of a narcissistic relationship leave you questioning your self-worth. Understanding these stages can help you navigate the ups and downs of a narcissistic relationship more effectively.

KEY POINTS

Narcissists may manipulate through observation and charm, creating a false sense of bonding.

These relationships have distinct phases, often involving a gradual, potentially traumatizing end.

Understanding these phases aids in healing and setting boundaries.

Up Next

8 Signs of a Petty Person That’ll Have You Saying, “Wait, Really?”

Signs of Petty Person Thatll Have You Saying Wait Really

Do you ever get that feeling that you are the lead actor in a soap opera you didn’t sign up for? Do you think you are dealing with someone who is petty, by any chance?The signs of a petty person aren’t always neon-lit, but once you spot them, you’ll wonder how you missed it.

From holding grudges longer than your Netflix subscription to being the Sherlock Holmes of social media stalking, petty people have a unique way of spicing up life (not always in a good way).

So how do you know you’re dealing with petty people? Let’s break it down and start with trying to understand who is a petty person.

Related:

Up Next

Othello Syndrome: 7 Signs of Extreme Jealousy In A Relationship

Signs Of Othello Syndrome in Relationship

A small amount of jealousy is normal in any relationship. Some find it an indication of love, but there exists a deeper, more intense feeling that can disrupt peace of mind: Othello Syndrome. 

Some may experience a sinking feeling in their stomach when their partner spends time with their friends, despite assurances. They find themselves obsessively checking their partner’s phone or social media accounts.

So, What Is Othello Syndrome?

This psychiatric condition is a form of morbid or pathological jealousy that can dominate thoughts and actions. It leads a person to make repeated accusations on their partner or spouse, believing that they’re cheating on them, base

Up Next

Feeling Exhausted? 8 Signs of an Emotionally Draining Person to Look Out For

Signs of an Emotionally Draining Person to Look Out For

Have you ever hung out with someone and have left feeling like you just ran a 5k marathon without moving an inch? If you’re nodding along, this is just one of the many signs of an emotionally draining person.

These energy vampires are really talented when it comes to mentally exhausting you, even though you didn’t do anything but have a simple conversation.

Have there been times where you have felt completely wiped after a chat or hangout? Then maybe it’s time to figure out if you’re dealing with an emotionally draining person.

Today, we are going to talk about what is an emotionally draining person, the traits of an emotionally draining person and how to deal with an emotionally draining person.

Let’s start with what is an emotionally draining