Narcissists are arch-manipulators. Don’t listen to their words, especially when their actions aren’t aligned with them. They’ll say whatever they think you want to hear and then do the opposite.
Don’t believe them when they say:
I will change this time.
I promise it will never happen again.
Where’s the proof?
Have they gone and done a couple of years of therapy with a trained counselor to really change their behavior?
My guess is No.
Chances are they’ll come back to you and then go:
Well I did say I was going to change and now you’re not being supportive enough.
That is, blame you. Then in this smoke screen, it gets forgotten that they were going to change.
Don’t listen to them.
Write down a list of all the reasons you left. All the things they did to hurt you.
Put it on the fridge if you need to.
When they’re telling you these loving wonderful things, hoovering you and trying to make you feel guilty. Trying to make you come back to them.
Go back to that list. Read that list to remind yourself why you left, because those reasons haven’t changed. They still stand.
They’re hoovering you with their nice side, not their nasty side. That nasty side of them who has just hurt you and abused you.
Their nice persona is the most dangerous side of them. Because if you listen to them and believe what they’re saying and get sucked back in. Then you go back into the abusive cycle and the abuse will only get worse.
The longer you stay exposed to that sort of manipulation, psychological manipulation and coercive control, the harder it will be to leave.
I know it’s hard to resist. When you leave or try to leave a narcissist it becomes Olympic medal levels of hoovering.
It’s tough not to listen to them. You want to believe them because you do still love them.
You didn’t ask for this abusive side to come into your relationship.
But please understand, there are no two sides to a narcissist. The nasty abusive side and the nice one is the same person.
If anything they really are the nasty abusive person. That nice, loving person is just a mask to fool you into thinking that this time it’s going to be different.
Try not to get sucked back in. The easiest way not to is to go cold turkey and have zero contact with them.
Some of you might have children with them, so if you can I would try to deal with a third party to do with any access arrangements.
Cut off all contact if you can.
I know how hard this is and how much that’s going to hurt, but it’s better to feel that pain and walk away from them.
That pain won’t last forever and you will be walking towards your freedom.
No, that behavior is not good enough. I deserve better.
You do deserve better.
When you hear that hoover startup, block your ears.
Have you ever, or are you experiencing narcissist hoovering? Let me know in the comments below.
Originally appeared on VivianMcGrath.com Written by Vivian McGrath Printed with permission from author