Denial Of Bad Behavior: What You Can Do

Denial Of Bad Behavior

Denial is serious. It’s a refusal to acknowledge truth or reality. Sometimes, denial of bad behavior has benefits, but it can also be our undoing and can have life-threatening consequences.

It affects not only individuals. “Group-think” can be particularly dangerous on a group level. Sub-cultures, religious sects, organizations, and political zealots can deny abuse, addiction, racism, genocide, corruption, and criminality. We can deny positive input as well as negative.

Denial can restrict us from expressing our rights, our power, and our abilities, diminishing our self-esteem and capacity to pursue our goals.

Denial may be conscious but is usually unconscious. We all do it. We not only deceive ourselves, we forget, excuse, rationalize, and minimize.

We might be aware of the facts, but deny or minimize the consequences, or even acknowledge them, but stubbornly refuse to change or get help. It can be tricky to uncover something that is unconscious. 

Read: 2 Reasons Why The Abuser Blames You Even When You Are The Victim

Why we deny

Denial is the first and simplest psychological defense mechanism.

Typically, children deny wrongdoing to avoid reprimand. I recall my 4-year old shaking his head while denying from the chocolate-smeared mouth that he’d eaten ice cream in the wee morning hours. Adults deny wrongdoing, too, notably politicians, criminals, abusers, addicts, and adulterers.

Conscious lies are usually motivated by self-preservation and fear of punishment. While not admirable, they’re understandable, though less sympathetic when motivated by a quest for power. What’s more troublesome is our denial in believing them.

Our brain is wired for survival, and denial serves that function.

There are many reasons for denial of bad behavior, including avoidance of physical or emotional pain. Denial is adaptive when it helps us cope with difficult emotions, as in the initial stages of grief following the loss of a loved one, particularly if the separation or death is sudden.

Denial of bad behavior allows our body-mind to adjust to the shock more gradually.

Denial also builds cohesion, especially between loved ones.

It’s a unifying force between spouses, and among families, groups, or political parties. We overlook things that might that might cause arguments, hurt, or separation.

One study showed that people will forgive a member of a clique four to five times more than a stranger. Idealization supports denial and blinds us to anything that would mar respect for a partner, family or group member, or leader.

Read The Narcissist Blames You! It’s ALWAYS Your Fault

We deny reality to maintain the status quo due to fear of change and the unknown.

For this reason, people believe the demonization of immigrants, or other races, or religions. If we favor a politician or love a cheating or abusive partner, we may ignore truths that would create disillusionment and/or require us to struggle with uncomfortable feelings and what to do.

A deceived spouse might prefer to believe lies rather than confront an intolerable situation that is not only painful, but that could lead to unwanted consequences, like divorce. 

We will defend untruths and blatant lies of people we want to believe. We tend to distrust information that’s contrary to our beliefs (including unconscious ones), and even double down to reduce inner conflict or “cognitive dissonance.” This process is termed motivated reasoning that helps regulate emotion. We consciously and unconsciously select the information that affirms our beliefs and disregards facts that don’t.

When we have internalized shame, we will do the same with positive feedback that is incongruent with internal negative beliefs about ourselves. Low self-esteem makes it difficult to receive a compliment, praise, and love. If we believe that we don’t deserve it, our minds can actually twist a compliment into criticism, and we can’t be convinced otherwise!

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Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and an expert author on relationships and codependency. She's counseled individuals and couples for 30 years and coaches internationally. Her books and other online booksellers and her website.View Author posts