He excitedly asked if I wanted to go apple picking that weekend and I think the last thing in the world he expected was for me to end things. So I told him I just didn’t think this was going to work out and he sounded absolutely crushed, and I felt awful.
The reason I’m sharing this is no one wants to have this conversation, not guys and not girls. And girls kind of don’t have a choice because guys are usually the ones to initiate dates, so we can’t just disappear. Some girls do their own version of ghosting by just never replying to a guy when he reaches out again and believe me when I say guys get hurt by this in the same way we get hurt by their disappearances. And in all honesty, I’ve been that shady girl many a time!
The point is, he just doesn’t want to hurt you. He doesn’t want to hurt you because he cares about you. Now you might want to counter with: “But that’s so immature! He needs to man up!”
So here’s the thing, most guys don’t decide to ghost. It just kind of happens. He thinks to himself, “Well I don’t want to do it today because she has that big project at work, maybe tomorrow.” And then tomorrow comes and he has another excuse. Then he thinks it’s best to just wait until next week when your emotions have simmered a little bit and you’ll maybe be less likely to have a strong emotional reaction.
Then next week comes around and he thinks, “Well it’s been so long already, she probably moved on and forgot all about me. It would just be rude of me to call now, she’ll probably think I’m a weirdo. I’ll just leave this alone…” And so he does.
2. He thinks your on the same page
The next main reason a guy will ghost is he just assumes you’re on the same page as him. He assumes, or maybe he convinces himself, that you know the relationship isn’t working. That you also feel the strain or tension. That you also realize that your values are different or that your personalities are totally different or whatever the case may be.
He thinks that you probably already know it’s not working out, so why does he really need to call and tell you? That will just be weird and awkward, so best to just leave it alone.
That’s how I felt with Dan. I was almost shocked that he seemed so blindsided because didn’t he realize how incompatible we were?
Usually only one person gets the clarity. Sometimes you see that it’s not a match, sometimes he sees it. And sometimes you get lucky and you both see it and can part amicably.
3. The relationship wasn’t what you thought
Sometimes, we end up in one-sided relationships. Sometimes we care significantly more than the other person does (this is often true when dating a damage case), and we blind ourselves from the reality of the situation because we want him to like us back so badly.
In your mind there is a lot of potential here, in your mind this could really be something special. But in his mind, you’re a girl he was somewhat interested in, you had a very casual relationship and it wasn’t really going anywhere and he didn’t think it warranted an official “breakup conversation.”
He may have liked you, but he didn’t like you enough to want a relationship with you. Even if he did come right out and say it to your face, would that really have hurt any less?
Sometimes it just isn’t a match. That’s just the reality of dating and compatibility.
This is usually the case for very short-lived relationships, like a few dates max, where he didn’t have the time to really develop strong feelings.
I hope you understood why guys ghost.
Now let’s talk about how to recover with your self-esteem intact
1. Realize it’s not because you were insignificant
The biggest mistake women make is assuming a guy ghosted because she meant nothing to him … because he never really cared about her … because she wasn’t even worth a breakup text or call.
This isn’t reality, these are your deepest fears talking. See most of us have deeply rooted fears of being unlovable or unworthy. It’s sad and unfortunate and way too common. The unconscious mind is always looking for ways to prove itself right so when something like this happens, it shouts: “See?? I told you that you were unworthy!” But there is no relief that comes from this confirmation.
Feelings aren’t facts. Just because you feel like this has to be the case doesn’t mean it is. If you adopt the idea that he ghosted because you were meaningless and easily forgettable, you’re only dooming yourself and blocking yourself from getting the love you want.
Most men are good at compartmentalizing. They can just put their feelings in a box and shove that box deep into the recesses of their mind. It may seem like they never cared on the outside, but really they did, they just don’t dwell on the care. They can reason that it didn’t work out, it wasn’t going to work out, so what’s left to think about?