Are you feeling angry after a break up, even if it was mutual? Were you in a relationship that you knew was doomed, and are you relieved that it is over but still angry for some unknown reason?
It makes sense. This happens to a lot of us at the end of a relationship, for so many reasons.
Here are 5 of reasons why you are feeling angry after a break up, even if it was mutual.
1. Unanswered questions.
Are there things that happened in the relationship that you don’t understand? Did something happen that changed the way you thought about things? Were you scared to ask questions or, if you did, were they left unanswered?
Unanswered questions can really be anger inducing.
I have a client whose relationship had just ended. They realized that they just had too many issues and that it wasn’t going to work out. He is angry, though, because he has some questions about what happened with his girlfriend’s ex over the course of their relationship.
He has a feeling that his girlfriend was talking to her ex the whole time they were dating but he wasn’t sure. It was part of what caused the disintegration of the relationship, his suspicions and her denials, although it wasn’t the whole thing. Now that the relationship is over, he is left wondering if she had been lying the whole time. And that pisses him off.
So, if you have unanswered questions, that might be one reason why you are feeling angry after a break up.
2. Things left unsaid.
Similar to unanswered questions, things being left unsaid can be a huge reason why we hold onto anger after a break up.
I remember when I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for two years. It was a toxic relationship and the only way that I could finally get away was by going ‘no contact’ and blocking him everywhere. We never had that ‘last talk,’ the talk where I could express the anger, frustration and disappointment that I was feeling. He knew that I felt those things but I wasn’t sure if he really understood.
I held onto my anger for a long time, longer than I should have, imagining the conversation that could have happened, but didn’t.
When we fall in love we are so excited. We have met someone who fits our needs in so many ways and we dive in, sure that this time it’s going to work out. And then it doesn’t.
One of the reasons that we are angry is that we are disappointed. Disappointed in ourselves, for the part that we played in the demise of the relationship, at our ex, for their part in the demise of the relationship, and that the relationship didn’t work out the way we had hoped and dreamed it would.
Disappointment can breed deep anger. Life is so hard and, when we are let down, it can be hard to let go of. Ironically, we tend to stay angriest at ourselves when we are disappointed – we tend to blame ourselves for not holding things together and for sabotaging our future happiness.
So, take stock. Are you disappointed in yourself, your ex or the loss of your dreams for the future? If yes, then that might be why you are still holding on to the anger.