Communication problems can start over the smallest things. A text that sounds cold. A comment taken the wrong way. A moment where two people walk away feeling completely misunderstood.
If you have ever wondered why people misunderstand each other, it usually comes down to the fact that no two people hear the same message in exactly the same way.
Most communication problems are not about bad intentions at all. Once you understand why people misunderstand each other, a lot of everyday conflict starts to make a lot more sense.
KEY POINTS
- Misunderstandings sit at the core of so much stress and conflict in the modern world.
- Several psychological processes underlie all kinds of misunderstandings.
- Clearly seeing these concepts can help us to avoid misunderstanding in our lives.
- Here are four common sources of misunderstandings–along with guidance on how to avoid them.
So picture this: Your side-hustle is creating fun social media posts about your cat. Twice a week, you post a funny cat video with some additional content. You’re up to nearly 150,000 subscribers, and you’re having fun with it.
Then it happens. Apparently, without your knowledge, the social media platform that you use changed its “unsubscribe” protocol—making it more difficult for people to unsubscribe.
You become aware of this change through an email that comes from someone labeled as “Anonymous.” It reads: Great job making it nearly impossible for people to unsubscribe from your account. You are a greedy son-of-a-gun. Have fun stealing people’s money.
Related: Why Good Communication Is Actually Good Emotion Regulation in Disguise
You’re put off by this comment for so many reasons. First, you didn’t know that the social media platform had changed its unsubscribe processes.
Further, you would never, personally, make it difficult for someone to unsubscribe from your account.
Also, in terms of the comment about “stealing people’s money,” you wish that this anonymous poster knew that you made exactly $59 last year from making over 100 posts and receiving more than 500,000 views. Sigh.
This example speaks to the concept of misunderstanding. Clearly, the annoyed subscriber misunderstood your control over the technical processes of the platform. Further, that person misunderstood your financial gain in the entire endeavor.
Misunderstanding as a Core Human Problem
If you think about it a bit, you probably can name multiple instances of misunderstanding that you have experienced in the past few days.
Maybe while you were driving, someone honked at you for not turning right, in fact, you had no intention of turning.
Maybe your long-time friend just texted you a gut-wrenching text about how they are sad that you don’t text them much these days—only to find out that the many texts that you have sent were sent, unwittingly, to their old number. And so forth.
Misunderstanding is, in many ways, the core of conflict and stress as we navigate life (see Nale, Geher, & Geher, in-process).
Misunderstandings exist between members of married couples, friends, siblings, supervisors and employees, teachers and students, and so on.
If I had a nickel for every time someone experienced some kind of misunderstanding each day, I’d retire right this second!
What Causes Communication Problems? 4 Psychological Processes that Contribute to Misunderstanding
When looking closely at misunderstanding, it turns out that there are several psychological processes that foster misunderstanding.
Here are four of the most prevalent:
1. Egocentric Bias
By nature, we see the world through our own eyes. This fact is what it is. What I see through my eyes may not be what you see through your eyes.
I may see someone arguing with a manager at a restaurant about the check as someone who deserves admiration for standing up for themselves. Meanwhile, you may find the complainer to be despicable.
We may end up disagreeing on this issue when we discuss it later. This kind of conflict may easily follow from egocentric bias (Sicoly & Ross, 1977)—the tendency to see the world in a certain way and to assume that others share that perspective.
If I saw someone admirably standing up for themselves and you saw someone who just wants money off the bill, we’re going to have a misunderstanding.
2. Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance (Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959) is the idea that people are motivated to hold thoughts that are consistent with one another. We don’t like it when we hear something inconsistent with our world view.
So picture that you are having a fine conversation with an acquaintance. All is good until this person states that he thinks the Rolling Stones have no musical talent.
Little does this person know that you own every Rolling Stones album and have seen them live multiple times. You pride yourself on strong skills in music appreciation and you are put off.
It is inconsistent with pretty much everything that you “know” to be true in your own mind. This comment led to a strong state of cognitive dissonance and made you pretty uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, this acquaintance had no idea about your affinity for the Stones and had no intention of making you feel uncomfortable.
In such a case, your tendency toward feeling uncomfortable when experiencing cognitive dissonance leads to a bit of misunderstanding. You excuse yourself and head to fill up your drink.
Related: What Is Cognitive Dissonance? 5 Ways You Can Use It For Growth
3. Emotional versus Cognitive Processing
People also vary in terms of how much they lean toward processing information in a cognitive dissonance rationale, cognitive manner versus emotionally (see Montgomery, 2010).
Picture two family members who vary on this issue. The morning of Thanksgiving, they get a text from Aunt Edna, saying that she would appreciate being picked up at the train station, but that she’d be fine taking a cab.
The feeler in the group picks up on the emotional content underlying the message—Aunt Edna, who is in her 80s, clearly wants someone to pick her up.
The feeler feels what Aunt Edna is communicating. The feeler asks who is going to pick up Aunt Edna. The non-feeler, on the other hand, seems to hold a totally different perspective.
We are busy making dinner—and Aunt Edna said that she’d be willing to take a cab. What’s the problem? Misunderstanding ensues.
4. Dispositionist Bias
When we see others act, we tend to be overly likely to blame dispositions for actions (see Ross & Nisbett, 1991). This phenomenon is often called dispositionist bias—and it is a common cause of misunderstanding.
Imagine that you’re driving home after a long day. You cannot wait to make it home. Suddenly, someone cuts you off, forcing you to slam on your breaks. The driver seems to be in some huge hurry—a fact that annoys you even more.
When you pull up to the next stoplight, you look over to this driver. What you see is an older man with a dog next to him in the passenger seat. The dog looks to be barely conscious—and you realize that the main veterinarian in town is a block ahead.
Suddenly, instead of thinking that this driver is some awful jerk, you realize that this person is probably a kind-hearted soul who is doing everything in his power to help his ailing dog.
Your gut instinct, to blame the person’s driving on this idea that the person is just some kind of selfish jerk, represents the dispositionist bias. In fact, it turned out that the driver was in a very difficult situation.
Bottom Line
Misunderstandings are too common in the world. They create rifts within families, friend groups, states, nations, and beyond.
Understanding the psychological processes that underlie the various forms of misunderstanding can help us better appreciate others in our world.
Related: 5 Common Causes Of All Marriage Problems And How To Resolve Them
Once we get why misunderstandings exist, we can move toward building a world with fewer of them. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather live in a world of understanding.
*Note: This post is inspired by a book project that I’m working on with my lovely wife, Shannon, and her thoughtful father, Jim: The Book of Understanding.
References:
Festinger, L., & Carlsmith, J. M. (1959). Cognitive consequences of forced compliance. The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 58 (2), 203–210. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0041593
Montgomery, J. (2010). The Answer Model: A New Path to Healing. TAM Books.
Nale, J., Geher, S., & Geher, G. (in-process). The Book of Understanding.
Ross, L., & Nisbett, R.E. (1991). The Person and the Situation: Perspectives of Social Psychology. New York: McGraw Hill.
Sicoly, F., & Ross, M. (1977). Facilitation of ego-biased attributions by means of self-serving observer feedback. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 35(10), 734–741. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.35.10.734
Written by Glenn Geher Ph.D.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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