5 Common Parenting Errors and How To Be A Better Parent

Parenting Errors Tips Effective Parenting

I first met psychotherapist Liza Kramer when I was giving a workshop on therapist techniques. Very quickly, I saw signs that said to me, “This is someone who genuinely helps her clients.” Soon after, I saw that Liza also would be giving a workshop for therapists. Hers was entitled, “How to Be the Dumbest Person in the Room.” That title intrigued me.

This post shares what I learned subsequently from interviewing Liza. Happily, Liza’s techniques for therapy with teenagers can be equally effective when a mom or dad uses them as parenting techniques.

Related: Teen Proofing Your Child: 11 Tips For Parents

5 Parenting Errors and Tips for More Effective Parenting

Error #1: Make it clear to your teenagers that you are the boss. You know what’s best for them. (“Do what I say! Do it now!”)

Tip: Be the dumbest one in the room. 

Instead of telling your teen what to do, ask questions. Good questions generally begin with “How” or “What.” “How did you feel when …” “What do you think about … ?” “What might happen if instead of doing X you tried Y?” “What might be another option that would work better for you?”

Then, in response to the teenager’s answers, always start by agreeing. “Yes … I can see your point. It makes sense that …” or “I agree that …”

If in fact, you disagree, pause before you respond. Pause to give yourself time to think. Then start by responding with something you can agree with in what you heard. “Yes, it makes sense to me that you want to … because …”

Then beware. Be sure to add your alternative perspective with “… and at the same time …”

If you respond instead with but, you lose. Why? But deletes whatever came before. But replaces what your teenager said with your perspective. That’s the opposite of being “the dumbest person in the room.”

Error #2: Be on the lookout for all the problematic, dumb, and irritating actions teens do and then be sure to point them out. (“Look, you left your clothes all over the floor again!”)

Tip: Notice which eye you use when you look at your teenager. 

Are you using the bad eye, the eye that looks for what’s wrong with what your teen does? Or are you on the lookout with your good eye for what the teen does that is good? “I saw you helping your little brother today with his homework and I was so impressed with how patiently you explained the work to him.”

This good-eye strategy works because you’ll get more of whatever you focus on. Focus on the teens’ mistakes and you’ll get more of them. Use your good eye and focus on what you see — you’ll get more of the good.

What if your bad eye still keeps focusing on your teenager’s problematic behaviors? Initiate problem-solving instead of criticism. Start by asking questions. “What kind of system could you set up so your clothes go somewhere other than on the floor?”

If the teenager draws a blank, at that point you could venture some hypothetical solutions. “I wonder what might be different for you if you built a habit of undressing next to your closet so you could drop clothes into the laundry basket there as you take them off?”

Or even better, “I found this laundry basket today in the basement. How about if you put it in the far corner of your room, then use it like a basketball net to toss your clothes in instead of dropping them on the floor?”

Related: 25 Signs of A Controlling Parent And How To Cope With Them

Error #3: Put pressure on your teen to do or become this or that.

Tip: Own your dreams. Do unto yourself what you are asking your teenager to do or become.

“When I was your age, I was very worried about getting into a good college, so I made a priority of studying. It paid off for me. I loved the college I went to, and that degree led to unbelievable career alternatives.”

Or, “When I see you turning in homework assignments late, and sometimes not at all, I get scared. I used to do that. As a result, I didn’t get strong teacher recommendations and then didn’t get into any of the colleges that were my top choices.

That’s why I encourage you to develop good homework habits. I want to help you to learn from my mistakes. I’m still learning from them. I try, for instance, to be sure at work that when I take on an assignment or tell someone I will do something, that I do it and ASAP …”

parenting errors
Parenting errors

Error #4. Berate your teenager for the foolish, irresponsible, and other problematic things s/he has done. Add negative labeling like “dumb” or “stupid.” Top it off with punishment—take away the phone, weekend privileges, etc.

Tip: Mistakes are for learning.

When your teen messes up, skip the criticism, anger, and punishment. Stay away especially from any negative labeling, Instead, remind yourself and also your teen, again and again, that mistakes are for learning.

“Alas, Julie, that was a big mistake. I guess that mistake means you are human. All humans make mistakes. What’s important is to remember that mistakes are for learning. What have you learned from that one? What could you do differently in the future?”

Related: 10 Simple Steps to Stop Toxic Parenting

Error #5: You keep telling your teenager “No” or “Don’t do that.” (“Don’t make so much noise. Don’t tease your brother. You can’t do that. You are not allowed to do that. You shouldn’t …”)

Tip: Replace no’s and don’ts with requests. Or engage in shared problem-solving.

“I’m trying to take a nap. Could you play outside instead of playing the music so loud in your room? Or use your earphones?”

Or, “I see that you are hurting your brother’s feelings by teasing him. How come you have been teasing him lately? If you look at it in the best possible light, what has it been meant to accomplish? [Best possible light is a technique you can use for all kinds of bad behavior.] Maybe you can find a better way to accomplish what teasing has been meant to do, a way that works better for both of you.”

How would you have reacted if your parents had used these techniques with you when you were a teenager?

No doubt, minimizing the power plays and maximizing the respectful talking together do make for a positive parent-teen relationship. At the same time, while scripts of “ways to talk” can be helpful, parents also sometimes find that a less skillful dialogue with their teen, while riskier, occasionally still can be effective.

Teens have a way of sniffing out “parenting techniques” that don’t feel real or genuine. Occasionally handling a situation in a heartfelt yet messy and all-too-imperfect way can give room for kids to also be ok with sometimes getting it so very wrong. Just be sure afterward to apologize to your teen. Mistakes are for learning.

Maybe you were fortunate enough to have had parents who used these positive ways of nurturing, shaping, and encouraging a teenager toward habits that prepare kids for success in their adult lives. If so, great; these techniques will feel natural and easy for you. If not—now is an ideal time to learn.

Related: 8 Helpful Strategies for Dealing With Your Teenager

For more skills for keeping all of your family connections warm, loving, and strong, check out my Power of Two bookworkbook, and interactive website.


Written By Susan Heitler 
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
Parenting Errors Tips Effective Parenting pin

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply



Up Next

When Your Grown Child Hurts Your Feelings: 9 Healing Strategies Every Parent Needs To Know

What To Do When Your Grown Child Hurts Your Feelings: Tips

As parents, we invest our hearts and souls into raising our children, nurturing them with love, support, and guidance. However, as they grow into mature adults and carve their own paths, the dynamics of our relationship inevitably change. When your grown child hurts your feelings, whether intentionally or unintentionally, it can often be difficult to cope with.

This can leave us feeling confused, saddened, and unsure about how to navigate these emotional challenges. So today let us take a look at what to do when your grown child hurts your feelings so that you can heal yourself and your relationships.

How It Feels When Your Grown Child Hurts Your Feelings

Imagine this: You’ve poured your he



Up Next

7 Ways To Heal From An Emotionally Unstable Mom

Emotionally Unstable Mom: Things That Can Help You Heal

Is you mother emotionally unstable? If you have an emotionally unstable mom, dealing with the effects of it can be challenging to say the least; it often leaves you with traumatic memories and complex emotions. However, you need to find ways to heal for your own emotional and mental well-being.

Explore 7 strategies that can greatly help you cope with an emotionally unstable mom.

Related: Raised By A Borderline Mother: Signs, Types, Effects, And How To Deal



Up Next

Bad Husband But Good Father? 8 Tips On How To Be A Better Dad And Husband 

Practical Tips on How to Be a Better Dad and Husband

Being married to a man who is a bad husband but a good father is a complex and challenging experience. It’s a situation where the joys and struggles of parenting coexist with the frustrations and disappointments of a strained marital relationship. So how to be a better dad and husband?

Today, we will try to gain a better understanding of the psyche of a bad husband but a good father and shed light on how you can encourage them to be both a better husband and father. Let’s dive in.

Who Exactly is a Bad Husband and Good Father?

A bad husband can be someone who falls short in their role as a partner. T



Up Next

The Emotionally Absent Mother: Overcoming Her Legacy And Healing From The Wounds

The Emotionally Absent Mother: Healing From The Wounds

Having an emotionally absent mother can take a heavy toll on your mental and emotional well-being, and that too from a very young age. This article is going to explore what it means to have an emotionally unavailable mother, how her emotional absence can affect you and how to heal from it and move on.

Growing up with a mother who wasn’t emotionally available may have complicated your relationship with your emotions. Our early experiences of emotional attunement play an important part in the subsequent regulation of our emotions.

An emotionally absent mother may fail to develop the kind of satisfying attachment bonds in her children that make sustaining ordinary relationships possible.



Up Next

Only Child Syndrome: A Closer Look At The World Of An Only Child

Only Child Syndrome: Exploring An Only Child's World

What is the only child syndrome and how does an only child feel growing up without siblings? This article is going to talk about how it feels being an only child, and what it entails. So, let’s get started, shall we?

There is a stereotype that only children, children without siblings, fail to develop the ordinary social bonds and attachments that children with siblings do. The reality is more nuanced.

It does not follow that children with siblings are automatically more adaptable, more able to share, more able to understand group dynamics, but it is the case that only children didn’t grow up having to deal with



Up Next

Child Parentification: The Cause, Signs, and Recovery

Clear Signs Of Child Parentification In Adults

Ever felt like you were the parent instead of the child? That might be child parentification. Let’s explore its causes, signs, and how to recover together.

The term child parentification was coined in 1967 by family systems theorist Salvador Minuchin, who said the phenomenon occurred when parents de facto delegated parenting roles to children.

It can happen when one parent is physically absent or when a dysfunctional family is under stress because a parent cannot perform their parental responsibilities.

Usually, this is due to a phy



Up Next

6 Signs You’re Ready To Start A Family

Signs You’re Ready To Start A Family With Your Partner

You want a baby, a little one to call your own, yet you’re not sure if you really are ready to start a family? Being a parent isn’t as easy as it seems. You can’t just wish for a child then boom, they’re born.

Before even starting the process of family planning, you need to first figure out whether or not this is truly something that you want.

While for some couples around the world, having a baby is their ultimate dream. That’s not always the case for everyone else.

Some can’t decide if they actually do want kids or not while others are already excited and some are straight up terrified. It’s also no secret that life changes forever when there’s a little one in tow. The question �