5 Steps To Raise An Emotionally Intelligent Child

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Steps To Raise An Emotionally Intelligent Child 1

Raising an emotionally intelligent child can seem challenging, but honestly, it doesnโ€™t have to be. This article is going to talk about the importance of nurturing emotional intelligence in children, and how it can help them thrive emotionally, as well as socially.

5 Steps To Raise An Emotionally Intelligent Child

1. Acknowledge your childโ€™s perspective and empathize.

Even if you canโ€™t โ€œdo anythingโ€ about your childโ€™s upsets, empathize. Just being understood helps humans let go of troubling emotions.

If your childโ€™s upset seems out of proportion to the situation, remember that we all store up emotions and then let ourselves experience them once we find a safe haven. Then weโ€™re free to move on.

Empathizing doesnโ€™t mean you agree, just that you see it from his side, too. He may have to do what you say, but heโ€™s entitled to his own perspective.

Related: 3 Doโ€™s and Donโ€™ts for Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids

We all know how good it feels to have our position acknowledged; somehow it just makes it easier when we donโ€™t get our way.

โ€œItโ€™s hard for you to stop playing and come to dinner, and still, itโ€™s time now.โ€

โ€œYou wish you could have me all to yourself, donโ€™t you?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re so disappointed that itโ€™s raining.โ€

โ€œYou want to stay up later like the big kids, I know.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re mad your tower fell!โ€

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

  • Feeling understood triggers soothing biochemicals; that neural pathway youโ€™re strengthening each time he feels soothed is what heโ€™ll use to soothe himself as he gets older.
  • Children develop empathy by experiencing it from others.
  • Youโ€™re helping your child reflect on his experience and what triggers his feelings. For little ones, just knowing thereโ€™s a name for their feeling is an early tool in learning to manage the emotions that flood them.
emotionally intelligent child

2. Allow expression

Little ones canโ€™t differentiate between their emotions and their โ€œselves.โ€ Accept your childโ€™s emotions, rather than denying or minimizing them, which gives children the message that some feelings are shameful or unacceptable.

Disapproving of her fear or anger wonโ€™t stop her from having those feelings, but it may well force her to repress them. Unfortunately, repressed feelings donโ€™t fade away, as feelings do that have been freely expressed.

Theyโ€™re trapped and looking for a way out. Because they arenโ€™t under conscious control, they pop out unmodulated, when a child socks her sister, has nightmares, or develops a nervous tic.

Instead, teach that the full range of feelings is understandable and part of being human, even while some actions must be limited.

โ€œYouโ€™re so mad your brother broke your toy! I understand, AND itโ€™s never okay to hit, even when youโ€™re very mad. Tell your brother in words how you feel.

โ€œYou seem worried about the field trip today. I used to get nervous on field trips too, in kindergarten. Want to tell me about it?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re so frustrated! Nothing seems to be going right for you this morningโ€ฆI wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Come snuggle with Daddy and you can cry as much as you want.โ€

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

a) Your acceptance helps your child accept her own emotions, which is what allows us to resolve our feelings and move on, so she is better able to regulate her own emotions.

b) Your acceptance teaches your child that her emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable.

She learns that she is not alone. She learns that even the less pleasant parts of herself are acceptable, which means that she is wholly ok, just the way she is.

3. Listen to your childโ€™s feelings.

Remember, rage doesnโ€™t begin to dissipate until it feels heard. Whether your child is 6 months or sixteen, she needs you to listen to the feelings sheโ€™s expressing. Once she feels and expresses them, sheโ€™ll let them go and get on with her life.

In fact, youโ€™ll be amazed at how affectionate and cooperative sheโ€™ll be once she has a chance to show you how she feels. But to feel safe letting those feelings up and out, she needs to know youโ€™re fully present and listening.

Assured that itโ€™s safe, children have an amazing ability to let their feelings wash over and out, leaving them relaxed and cooperative.

Your job? Breathe through it, stay present, and resist the urge to make those troublesome feelings go away. Your child instinctively knows how to heal herself.

โ€œYou seem so unhappy right now. Everybody gets upset sometimesโ€ฆ Iโ€™m right here. Tell me about it.โ€

โ€œYou are so sad and mad you just want to scream and yell and cry. Everybody feels that way sometimes. Iโ€™m right here listening and see all those big feelings. You can show me how mad and sad you are.

โ€œYou are so mad youโ€™re yelling at me to go away. Iโ€™ll move back a little. But these feelings hurt and scare you, and I wonโ€™t leave you alone with these upsetting feelings. Iโ€™m right here and youโ€™re safe. You can be as sad and mad as you want, and when youโ€™re ready, I am right here to hug you.โ€

Related: How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children: 3 Crucial Lessons

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

a) The nature of healthy human emotions is to move through us, swamp us, and then pass away. When we fend them off or repress them, emotions get stuck inside us rather than finding healthy expression.

But children are terrified of their strong emotions overwhelming them, so they try to fend them off until they feel safe enough to experience them. Because emotions are stored in the body, tantrums are natureโ€™s way to help young children vent.

b) When we help our children feel safe enough to feel and express their emotions, we not only heal their psyches and bodies; we help them trust their own emotional process so that they can handle their own emotions as they get older, without tantrums or repression.

4. Teach problem solving

Emotions are messages, not mud for wallowing. Teach your child to breathe through them, feel them, tolerate them without needing to act on them, and, once they arenโ€™t in the grip of strong emotion, to problem-solve and act if necessary.

Most of the time, once kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. This leaves an opening for problem solving.

Sometimes, kids can do this themselves. Sometimes, they need your help to brainstorm. But resist the urge to rush in and handle the problem for them unless they ask you to; that gives him the message that you donโ€™t have confidence in his ability to handle it himself.

โ€œYouโ€™re so disappointed that Molly canโ€™t come over because sheโ€™s sick. You were really looking forward to playing with her. When youโ€™re ready, maybe we can brainstorm ideas of something else to do that sounds like fun.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re pretty frustrated with Sam not giving you a turn. Sometimes you feel like not playing with him anymore. But you also really like playing with him. I wonder what you could say to Sam, so that he could hear how you feel?โ€

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

a) Kids need to express their feelings, but they also need to know how to shift gears to find constructive solutions to problems. That takes practice and modeling on our part.

b) Research shows that simply empathizing with our kids is insufficient to teach them to manage their feelings, because they still feel at the mercy of their emotions. Teaching kids to honor their feelings as signals about things they need to handle differently in their lives empowers kids.

c) All children need coaching to learn to express their needs without attacking the other person.

emotionally intelligent child

5. Play it out

When you notice a negative pattern developing, recognize that your child has some big feelings she doesnโ€™t know how to handle, and step in with the best medicine: Play. For instance:

For instance, maybe your four year old always wants Mommy. Instead of taking it personally, help him work through his feelings about how much he prefers Mom by playing a game where poor bumbling Dad โ€œtriesโ€ unsuccessfully to keep him away from her.

Dad gets between Mom and son, and roars โ€œI wonโ€™t let you get to Momโ€ฆ.Hey, you just ran right around me!โ€ฆYou pushed me right over!โ€ฆYou are too strong!โ€ฆ.But this time you wonโ€™t get past me!โ€

Your four year old will giggle and boast and get a chance to prove he can ALWAYS have his mom. Heโ€™ll also discharge all those pent up worries that make him demand her.

Related: 3 Things Emotionally Intelligent Parents Do

Why this encourages emotional intelligence:

a) All children experience big feelings on a daily basis. They often feel powerless and pushed around, angry, sad, frightened, or jealous. Emotionally healthy kids process these feelings with play, which is how little ones of all species learn.

Helping your child โ€œplayโ€ out his big inner conflicts lets him resolve them so he can move on to the next age-appropriate developmental challenge.

b) Your child canโ€™t put his deeper emotional conflicts into words; thatโ€™s tough even for most adults. But he can play them out symbolically and resolve them without even needing to talk about them.

c) Laughter releases stress hormones just as well as tears โ€” and is a lot more fun.

Dr. Laura Markham is the founder ofย peacefulparenthappykids.comย and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids,ย Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblingsย and her latest book,ย theย Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.


Written By Dr. Laura Markham 
Originally Appeared On Peaceful Parent Happy Kids
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