Ask yourself these 10 questions before becoming a foster parent.
Key points
- More than love, foster parenting requires a trauma-responsive approach.
- Children in foster care need safety, not control.
- Potential foster parents need to ask themselves, “Am I prepared to parent through trauma?”
Many have considered foster parenting after reading an article about a child neglected or abused. Our hearts go out to them. We feel compelled to be that source of healing; in essence, to rescue a child from an unsafe situation. This is empathy, and at the same time, empathy can lead us to believe that just fostering https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9796985/them—providing safety, security, and love—will make their lives better. It feels like a mitzvah of love.
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However, the question is not only, “Do you have love to give?” It is, “Are you willing to change how you parent?”
Foster parenting is not traditional parenting; it’s parenting differently and shifting your paradigm.
As psychologist Stuart Shanker said, “If you see a child differently, you will see a different child.”
These children are not only different, but they have also experienced a world we can only imagine.
Children in foster care have often experienced separation trauma, abrupt losses in caregiving, food or housing neglect, physical or emotional abuse, instability of placements, and/or disrupted attachments. Their behavior often looks defiant, withdrawn, aggressive, controlling, or rejecting. But very often, what we are seeing is not “undesirable behavior.”
A foster youth’s behavior is a way to survive the future because of the ghosts of the past—or as I often say, what appears hysterical is often historical.
You cannot parent these children like other children because their starting point is different. It is not that they won’t behave; they can’t behave like other kids their age. Trauma is the breeding ground for regression and regressive behavior.
That is why traditional discipline, like lectures, consequences, time-outs, shame, reward charts, or power struggles, backfire when a child’s nervous system is organized around fear. Trauma reshapes the developing brain, making children react before they can reflect. Consequences escalate behavior, rewards lose power, lectures fall flat, and time-outs feel like abandonment.
For me, this subject is deeply personal and professional. I care because I have spent my life listening to the inner world of foster and adopted children, the grief they carry, the loyalty binds they live inside, the ache of separation, and the longing to belong without having to perform for love. I care because foster parents are not just providing a bed. They are becoming part of a child’s healing story. Foster parents’ roles matter.
Love Alone Is Not Enough
Foster parenting requires preparation, humility, support, and a willingness to become the calm nervous system in the room. It means asking, “What happened to this child?” rather than “What is wrong with this child?” It means understanding that reunification with their family of origin may be the goal. It means supporting family connections when safe and appropriate. It means helping a child grieve people they still love, even when those people hurt them or could not care for them.
The goal is not to rescue a child from their story.
The goal is to help them feel safe enough to continue becoming who they are.
And there are children in America right now who need safe, steady, trauma-responsive adults.
Foster Care in America
According to the U.S. Children’s Bureau, the most recent federal Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System data shows that 328,947 children were in foster care in the United States on September 30, 2024.
According to the National Council for Adoption, in 2024, 170,943 children entered care, and 176,730 exited care. About 70,421 children were waiting to be adopted, and 46,935 children were adopted from foster care that year.
According to the Annie E. Casey Foundation, Black and Native American children continue to be overrepresented in foster care relative to their proportion in the general population. The racial and ethnic makeup of children in foster care reflects both the diversity of our nation and the disproportionality that continues to exist in child welfare.
In 2024, children in foster care were approximately 41 percent White, 24 percent Black, 21 percent Hispanic, 10 percent two or more races, 2 percent American Indian/Alaska Native, less than 1 percent Asian, and less than 1 percent Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander.
This is why we need foster parents of all racial, ethnic, cultural, and linguistic backgrounds. Children need caregivers who can honor their identity, protect their family connections, when possible, understand cultural grief, support sibling relationships, and help them feel seen, not erased.
10 Self-Reflection Questions Before Becoming a Foster Parent
- Am I willing to parent through a different paradigm of trauma, not just behavior?
- Can I stay calm and connected when a child rejects me, tests me, lies, steals, shuts down, rages, or pushes me away out of fear?
- Am I prepared to support reunification with birth family members, even if I become attached?
- Can I honor a child’s birth family, culture, race, language, and identity without needing to replace them?
- Do I understand that love may not feel safe to a child at first?
- Am I willing to learn trauma-responsive parenting instead of relying on punishment, shame, or control?
- Can I ask for help before I am overwhelmed and collaborate with others?
- Do I have a well-rounded support system, including respite, therapy, training, and community around me?
- Can I repair and take responsibility after I make mistakes?
- Am I ready to commit to a child’s healing, not just to the idea of rescuing a foster child?
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Foster parenting is not for everyone. But for those who are willing to learn, stretch, repair, and stay steady, it can become one of the most meaningful acts of service in a child’s life. You matter deeply.
I know, because if I did not have my foster family, I would not be writing these words today. I am deeply indebted and know I was one of the lucky ones. Not all children in foster care are lucky.
A child in foster care does not need a perfect parent. They need a prepared one, willing to lean in and embrace the power of connection and belonging, one child at a time.
References
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook–What traumatized children can teach us about loss, love, and healing. Hachette UK.
Post, B. B. (2010). From fear to love: Parenting difficult adopted children. Post.
Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Publications.
Jeanette Yoffe, M.A., M.F.T., is a psychotherapist, author of The Traumatized & At-Risk Youth Toolbox, adoptee, former foster youth and founder of Yoffe Therapy and Celia Center, specializing in foster care, adoption, trauma, grief, and attachment. Learn more at jeanetteyoffe.com and follow her Psychology Today column, “The Inner Life of Foster Care.”
Written by Jeanette Yoffe, M.A., M.F.T.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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