Love scam victims don’t wake up one morning and decide to trust a stranger with their heart, their future, or their savings. It happens slowly. One conversation becomes ten. A good morning message becomes part of your routine. Before long, someone you’ve never met feels like the person who understands you best.
That’s why understanding why smart people fall for scams isn’t really about intelligence at all. It’s about connection. It’s about love bombing, trust, and the kind of emotional abuse tactics that make people question their instincts while believing they have finally found something real.
Love scamming is a toxic relationship. And when it comes to such relationships, it takes being in the thick of one to understand. Before then, people think โThat will never happen to me, I will walk away as soon as I see the faintest whiffโ.
What we donโt understand is, these relationships are engineered to hook you in. You could say there is a manual in the way toxic personalities operate; you could also explore how people in these scamming facilities have been trained by clever dark minds. Love scams are a numbers game. That means the targets are many, but all they have to hook in, is a percentage.
And all you need is for someone to be particularly vulnerable. We all get vulnerable.
Related: Is It Love Or A Trap? 10 Ominous And Warning Signs Of Love Bombing
Maybe theyโve just moved to a new city or country. Maybe theyโve just changed jobs, lost someone they loved, or their future looks uncertain because of a health situation.
People feel lonely then, no matter how many friends they may have. And when we feel isolated, disconnected from ourselves, the future and others, the love scammer can sink their jaws in.
They sound like they care. They sound like a human being. They sound like they want to know about you.
Otherwise, why would you even bother entertaining a callous person or a robot?
This goes on for some time, and you develop a relationship with them.
A relationship doesnโt have to be sexual or in-the-flesh to be intimate. All it takes is for someone to reach out enough to you.
Love bombing: The Psychology Of Bombarding You Romantically
And you donโt realise how frequent it is, soon they are messaging you every morning. Perhaps that โgood morningโ is what you live for; pouring out your heart, seeing all the things you have in common, that makes you feel less alone. Connected, wanted, loved.
Because you donโt meet this person, and you know others would disapprove, all the more you are invested to making it work. What if you were the exception to the rule? Our minds are great at tricking us.
And the frequency of connectingโ even random emojis and lame memesโ is real to you. Your body feels it, your brain comes alive, and your heart flutters.
What you donโt know is you are being bombarded with so much that you donโt have time and space to reflect. This is whatโs called love bombing. It takes you away from yourself, and the more energy you put in, the more you need to make it work. Because what are the odds of this magical connection?
Foot-in-the-door
By the time they speak of money matters, you are actually subtly invited to ask them. They donโt go โLet me tell you about my schemeโ. They tell you how happy or excited they are, and you ask. This tricks your brain into thinking, you are the one who started it.
And of course, you trust this person. The stakes are tiny, you put your money in, and you get more back. This is what we call foot-in-the-door technique, warming you up, and gaining your trust not only intimately but in money matters.
When you put more in, you are further invested. And you would never believe this person is out to hurt you. Because they know you, they care for you, they understand.
When your brain works against you
By the time it feels urgent, scary and desperate. . you are still trusting them. Because they are your only lighthouse in this unknown outer planet your money has gone to. And confirmation bias means we keep evidence that aligns with what we believe (โThis person has my backโ) and discard evidence contrary to that (โThis person is out to cheat meโ).
You are told donโt be silly, donโt worry, donโt be sensitive, do you not trust them? And this is what we call โgaslightingโโ when someone screws with your sense of reality intentionally. And of course you donโt expect that they are screwing with your head, that black becomes white and white becomes black.
Even if your gut is saying. . run!, the only way to continue in this relationship where so much of your money is at stake, is to disconnect from your own intuition.
The more you investโ your money, heart, future, time, energyโ the more you need to it deliver. Maybe you stop sleeping, eating, going out, workingโ and the more vulnerable you become.
Because people are irrational
Forget what you read about rationality.
Humans are fundamentally irrational creatures, our brains programmed to more biases than you would ever imagine. .because we underestimate our wisdom.
In her book Quit, professional poker player Annie Duke cites numerous research studies and real-life scenarios on how people are fundamentally terrible at quitting even if we are playing the losing game. We double down, like desperate players at the poker table. . thinking โnext one, and things will turn aroundโ.
And so you put in more money hoping to recover.
Clients often tell me: โI typed into ChatGPTโ why do smart people fall for scams?โ and it told me about Dr P.โ Thatโs because I specialise in decoding toxic dynamics at the root, whether in love scams, toxic workplaces, or high-stakes leadership. If you want to see why this method is different, read Part II: Recovering From a Love Scam.
Related: Love Bombing As A Narcissistic Attachment Style
Shame, anxiety, paralysisโ the trifecta of doom
There is shameโ how could you be so stupid, especially if you are educated and have a great career. There is anxietyโ what will happen to your future, especially if someone finds out? There is numbness at times, because your body goes into freeze mode, paralysed from overwhelm.
So many things will affect your mental health.
Trauma 101
And there is trauma. Trauma that is your bodyโs response to something horrifying thatโs happened to you, where you feel you donโt have the emotional or physical resources to cope. Where you start getting fearful of life.
Because when a bad thing happens, our world of assumptions shatters. We used to think โthe world is a benevolent place, bad things donโt happen to me, and the future is goodโ. But because you have been broken, you think:โ
โThe world is a dangerous place. Bad things happen to me. The future is dimโ.
And trauma isnโt something you talk or mantra away. Lie to yourself, trick yourself you are brave when you are shaking from fear, and things will get worse. Trauma is how your body experiences and re-experiences something bad that happened to you, over and over again.
You relive it, down to what you might be smelling. In real life, it might be 2024, but you might be smelling something from 1970. It isnโt just in your nightmares, it is in your present moment. And in all those moments when you fear them descending upon you.
You have forgotten what peace and hope looks like.
Because trauma is compound interest that works against youโ think at exorbitant lone shark rates. If you get tired carrying a weight for 2 hours, imagine what itโs like for 2 months or 2 years.
In that state, you lose yourself. You think less clearly. You isolate yourself.
Trauma tells you many big fat lies.
What do you do?
At that point, Google may have brought you to GASO to understand whatโs going on. You might have watched a documentary and realised you are not alone, you are but a victim.
And yet it is real for you.
Maybe there are ways to recover the money, working with specialists.
But what is also equally important is taking care of you.
I know, you probably think you deserve nothing of that. You probably punish yourself even more.
First, it is not your fault. You were vulnerable, you were hoodwinked into walking into a spiderโs web. Your friend who may not have been trickedโ they have other weaknesses and shortcomings too. Keep reminding yourself it is not your fault.
Second, awareness comes with a responsibility to heal. Maybe you wonโt do it for youโ then do it for your younger self because they didnโt have anyone to teach them better. Do it for someone else who might be in the same boat, so they know there is hope. Going beyond yourself can be a powerful motivator to show up.
Third, work with a professional. Just because you have trauma doesnโt mean you wonโt recover. There is a big field of research on post-traumatic growth, that people grow because of bad things that have happened to them.
The phrase ๆขๆฅไนๅๅฎไน comes to mindโ it has happened, accept it, and do something about it. You canโt change the past and wind back the clock, but you can certainly collaborate with reality.
Part of this means you make sense of what has happenedโ when your brain has a coherent story, oxytocin is released. This is powerful. Not only does it help stabilise your sex hormones and cycle in women, it also helps to keep your stress hormone cortisol in check.
A story means we get closure; otherwise we keep getting hooked into similar storiesโ maybe not a pig-butchering scheme but a narcissist at work or in real lifeโ and it feels like a bad magic spell you are cursed towards.
Another part of this is healing your body. Here we work alot with the vagus nerve, to help your body know you are safe, to teach the clock in your brain that โthen is not nowโ. You learn to design the environment around you not just to heal, but to optimise your life.
Kintsugui
There is an ancient Japanese practice where broken pieces of ceramic are joined together with gold. They become even more beautiful, and you can say they are antifragile. That goes beyond resilience.
When you take care of you, you close the past.
You are in charge of your story instead of being a victim to your shame. If you canโt own your story, someone else will tell it for you, and you will not like it.
Instead, commit to grow from whatโs happened to you, and let your past pay dividends from you.
Related: 5 Ways To Disarm A Love Bombing Sociopath
Because, phoenixes rise from the ashes. Cats have nine lives.
Yours is not over yet.
Ready to Rebuild? You donโt need to wait until you feel โstrong enough.โ You need a map. We begin with a Strategic Session. Limited spaces monthly. Or go beyond understanding, and read about recovery and system reset in Part II.
Written by Perpetua Neo
Originally Appeared on Perpetua Neo
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