When a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, many people find that they can’t move on with their lives until they find closure. Closure is not going to come from the narcissist. It has got to come from yourself.
‘So many people want closure from a narcissist.
YOU DON’T NEED IT FROM THEM.
Now, what sort of closure can you expect from someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler?
Give it to yourself. Pull down the shutters and bolt every door so that they never open again. Let them toddle off into whatever hell they have created for themselves. You’ve got your clarity and you know it’s better this way. That’s your closure.’
Closure is not going to come from the narcissist.
There will be no, ‘I’m sorry, I treated you badly,’ or ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ Narcissists like to think that you will forever be under their influence and control. They don’t care if you’re struggling and find it difficult to move on without any form of closure from them.
They are not going to feel any shred of remorse for the way that they treated you.
In fact, it’s very likely that they will blame you for the demise of the relationship. (You didn’t treat them with the respect that they deserved. You didn’t give them the attention they craved. By now you probably get the picture.) A relationship with a narcissist is not a normal one by any stretch of the imagination and the ending will be no different. That final curtain may fall with such shattering speed that you don’t know what’s hit you.
Sometimes there will be no rhyme or reason as to why you have been discarded or abandoned and they have moved on so quickly to their next target as if you never existed. Such a callous discard will have you questioning your self-worth and wondering if you ever meant anything to them at all.
Trying to find an explanation and closure from a narcissist will cause you more pain. They will never see things from your point of view. They are experts at re-writing history.
Finding closure starts with cutting the narcissistic individual out of your life in the form of no contact.
You have got to let go of the thoughts of them being the person you once thought they were. They have shown you their true colors. Don’t try to paint a different picture.
Many people, in their desperate struggle to get some form of closure, write, text or email, pleading for answers only to be met with silence. Their lack of empathy and compassion will never have been more obvious to you than it is now.
The narcissist will not be feeling sorry for your anguish but what they will be doing is relishing in the supply you are providing and their power over you. Your pain will show them just how important and significant they are. For your own well-being and as a matter of holding on to your self-respect, don’t pour your heart out to a selfish person whose heart is as cold as ice.
Show them that you can do just fine without them. Your indifference will cause them a narcissistic injury which is what they deserve.
Researching the subject of NPD is a good start. It will help you to understand why they behaved in the way that they did, that the problem is not you and that they are destined to repeat this pattern of behaviour with each and every person that they encounter.
In my own personal circumstances, after being no contact for over a year, I decided to send an email.
There were things I needed to say. I did not expect or need a response. Below are some extracts from that email.
‘…Your behavior because you were not the centre of attention, was one that one would expect from a five year old. The emotions of a man of your nature have not matured with age. They have got stuck somewhere in your childhood and sadly that is just the way you are and will always be.
I have been told that you have moved on and found someone else. I would like to wish you all the best and hope that it works out but I won’t because I know that it will end just like all the others. You are not capable of a deep and lasting love. Your relationships will all turn into dictatorships and if they have any self-respect they will run at the first sign of manipulation and control.
(This relationship didn’t last long.)
When I found out what you said to my daughter at Christmas 2012 when I sent you up your Christmas dinner and I had the flu, I honestly couldn’t believe that someone would be so cruel. In case you have forgotten, I will remind you. You said, ‘it’s not a bit of wonder your daddy did what he did.’
(My husband had taken his own life)
Why such a callous remark? That was truly a despicable thing to say, even for you. When I have told people that, they have all said that I am better off without someone who could say something so cruel.
(My son had initiated a tribunal case against him)
The lies you told didn’t surprise me. I honestly believe we would have won the case but there was so much work going on in the house at the time that I didn’t need the hassle or the stress so it was better to walk away. However, it did give me some satisfaction when my son received a cheque for back pay and the Revenue informed us that you had been fined. Justice was done in the end.
You know that I saw you stalking me at the farm in June. I don’t know what that was about but I can tell you that I am very happy there and so are Ben and Asia. (My two horses.)
I came over to Tenerife in May / June to see the dentist in Los Abrigos and had to come back for a few weeks now. For the past two weeks I have been staying in the Penthouse in Duquesa del Mar, a beautiful complex. I met a lovely couple here and I have been offered an apartment here any time I want it and I intend to take them up on that offer. I know last year …..(his son) told people that I was over here stalking you when I was staying 20 miles away. When I found out I sent him a text saying that if he pushed me too far that I would see him in court. That still stands.
Remind him that it was me who booked a holiday to this area in the first place and I like it too.
(He bought an apartment there two years ago and I was told not to go back to the area.)
When I was speaking to Ronny the other day, he agreed and said, ‘Why shouldn’t you come back here?’ Exactly. God willing. I intend to.
I know you are probably ripping your hair out now by some of the things that I have said, but I really don’t care. You said to me the night of my husband’s funeral, ‘I am not a bad man Anne.’
You know, I believed that for a very long time and felt sorry for you because you had never found happiness in your life. I don’t think you ever will. I know that I am not the sort of person who can be happy hating someone but I know that for a long period of time I was very close to that……
I don’t hate you now but I don’t know that I can ever forgive you. Maybe in time. I hope so. That would make me a better person if I can. The reason I have sent you this letter is for me. This is my closure.
This worked for me. I think we all need to do what is right for each of us as an individual. This chapter of my life is now over.
Written by Anne McCrea Originally appeared on Narcissist And Emotional Abuse Printed with permission Narcissistic and Emotional Abuse, Shattering the Illusion is now available on Amazon.