An Open Letter To All The Female Narcissists And Manipulators

Letter To All The Female Narcissists

“Female narcissists try to destroy and discredit anyone who sees them for who they really are. They know that anyone who sees through their mask could expose them, so they stop at nothing to make sure it doesn’t happen.” – Unknown

Dear Female Narcissists and Manipulators,

I am the woman who will come after you. Make no mistake. I am not your runner-up or the consolation prize. I am in a league all my own–not your pinch hitter or relief pitcher. I’m not holding your spot in line. I may not have created this path of destruction, but I am, however, the woman who will have to help clean up the mess. You most likely left a good person; after all, why would they have stayed so long and tried so hard to make your “relationship” work?

Look, I get it. The end of a relationship is never easy. Whether you have been with someone six months or sixteen years, ending a relationship is painful and unsettling. I have been through many relationships and experienced heartbreak. Although narcissists such as yourself cannot feel true love, you may be feeling pain and confusion.

This isn’t grief you are feeling at losing a good person. What you are feeling is anger at such a horrible inconvenience. Your personal sideline cheerleader, purse-holder, coat-fetcher, scapegoat, punching bag, house cleaner, babysitter, nanny, chef, bill payer, bank account, ego booster, valet service, or other-service-provider is now gone. You aren’t losing a best friend, partner, or lover: you are losing a supply of service. Don’t confuse your demanded entitlement for feelings of love for another.

Related: The Female Facade: Female Narcissists May Be Statistically Uncommon, But Highly Dangerous

The man you abused? He served a purpose for you.

And yes, I use the word “abused.” Society tends to forget that men can be abused just as easily and frequently as women. Women can be abusers, and men can be victims. You may have professed to love this man, but really you were using him.

You probably got to check off all the boxes on society’s to-do list: girlfriend, fiancé, wife, mother, but this may not have fulfilled you. So, you took your self-hatred and bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem out on him through name-calling and projection.

Narcissists and manipulators are just overgrown, schoolyard bullies. They feel bad about themselves, so they attack other people. But unlike immature children, grown-up bullies hide their cruelness behind a shiny veneer that other people fall for. The inhumanity of a narcissist is covered by talent and lies. Who would believe this mild-mannered, smiling, doting mother would also be the one screaming at her husband (behind closed doors, of course) that he was a horrible father and poor excuse for a human?

female narcissist
Female narcissist

I am the woman who will come after you. I will be the one dealing with the repercussions of the legal paperwork, custody disputes, and money wrangling. I will be the one watching and standing helplessly by as your constant attacks tear down this man who struggled to build his life up from scratch. I will be the one who will try every day to convince him that there really is love and goodness in this world, that I don’t want anything from him, and that I am not going to pull the rug out from under him.

Your purpose was destruction; mine is growth and healing. Unfortunately, the path to healing runs parallel to and often intersects with trauma. It’s going to take a long time, but luckily, my stubbornness is tempered with understanding.

Related: 7 Signs of A Female Narcissist

I know I am also going to have to deal with your manipulation. You probably have my phone number saved, my email address in your outbox, my social media profile cued up to stalk every single day. Once your attacks wear my man down, you will turn your vitriol onto me; I’m expecting it. You will take messages out of context; you will attempt to seduce him; you will use the children as weapons or pawns to turn me into the villain of the story. Eventually, people will see that the true villain is you.

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Kristy Lee Hochenberger

Kristy Lee Hochenberger is a doctoral student of psychology at Capella University and a member of Psi Chi, the international honor society in psychology. A graduate of prestigious Wells College, Kristy Lee is also a licensed funeral director and co-founder of Salt City Legacy Scholars, Inc, a 501c3 nonprofit organization that awards scholarships and financial assistance to young women across New York State. In addition to her Bachelor's degree, Kristy Lee has an Associate's Degree in Occupational Services as well as a Master of Business Administration. A native of Queens, NY, she currently resides in upstate New York where she is an adjunct faculty member at Syracuse University School of Information Studies (iSchool) and University of the People.View Author posts