As cliched as it may sound but the most cardinal relationships we have are the relationships we have with ourselves.
However, this doesn’t stop us from engaging in a mutually beneficial and growth promoting relationship with another individual. We believe such relations will help us find peace.
Not all relations have a happy ending. For several reasons two people might separate. Some people will eventually heal with the assistance and support of their friends and family. It is easier to accept the end of the relation if it’s mutually decided upon. But when it happens from one end, the other person is bound to feel isolated, rejected and anguished. It is understandable that such abandonment leaves one entirely devastated.
In such situations, the person keeps ruminating about the good memories he/she shared with the significant other. An additional feeling of guilt and self-blame begin to engulf them as such people are often harshly criticized for their loss. Especially, if the person has experienced repeated abandonment in the past as they are held the reason for the breakup.
Whatever might be the reason, getting one’s ex-lover back will require one to reflect on what one’s part was in the break-up and take the time to address the internal wounds that may be leading one to act in dysfunctional ways. Otherwise one will unconsciously keep on attracting the same kinds of partners.
Here are a few things you should keep in mind while trying to get your ex back:
1) Do not argue about how and why things ended
A relationship is teamwork. When they work well, it is because of the dedication of both the partners put in the relationship and if they don’t then also both the partners have shared responsibility for the fall out.
When we experience a painful heartbreak, our first instinct is to put the blame on the other person and absolve ourselves of any responsibilities.
We do not stop to reflect and acknowledge our part in the breakup. We could be acting needy, desperate, clingy, aggressive, or aloof, which might have contributed to the breakup.
Whenever any disagreement happens, both the parties have some valid points.
If your ex brings up the role you played in the break-up, do not get defensive and dismiss them right away.
Give him a patient hearing and try to understand where he is coming from.
If what he says does have a valid point, acknowledge your mistake and try to correct your behavior. In fact, you should be thankful to him and have gratitude for the fact that he is mirroring back stuff to you that requires attention or healing.
Once you work on your healing, you would attract a healthy relationship, whether that means getting back with your ex or finding a new partner.
2) Do not beg or try to convince your partner to come back to you
Never beg anyone for love, care or affection. If it is not given freely, it is not worth having. Never try to convince someone to come back to you. It makes you look needy, desperate and clingy.
If someone truly loves you, they would make space for you in their lives. Love cannot be coaxed out of manipulation. Your neediness or desperation can be the biggest deal breaker for any relationship. When you start acting clingy, your partner can find it suffocating and might decide to not just abandon the relationship but also cut you out of his/her life.
Love should be wild but free. It grows and sustains when space is provided. Every human being wants to feel free in a relationship. A relationship is all about celebrating the freedom to be oneself, without being bound to the ideologies of one another.
If you want to be valued and desired by someone, you have to value yourself. Don’t lose your self-respect over hankering for anyone’s affection. Let the person see you for the prize that you are. Let him/her win over you. You only deserve the best of him/her.
3) Take accountability for your role in the break-up
It can be hard to look at your own shortcomings but nobody is perfect. One needs to accept one’s and other’s vices akin to their virtues. We all have our share of flaws and shortcomings.
While it’s very easy to blame the other person for a breakup and move on but till the time we do not stop and reflect on our share of the problem, we will keep on attracting the same kind of situations again and again. The Universe will keep throwing at you the same lessons until you learn from them.