You want to know how to get your ex back after a breakup you didn’t want and it’s not easy, but with time and patience, it’s possible.
It’s happened to all of us. After a traumatic fight with your partner, your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get back with your now ex-partner.
The whole night was a mistake. You’re hurt, emotionally drained, and most of all, confused. And unfortunately, during this state of confusion, you’re bound to make a lot of mistakes that will hurt your chances of getting back together.
You keep asking yourself, “Does my ex want me back, too?”
You want a foolproof plan! You want a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future!
Sorry, sweetheart, there’s no such plan. No dice.
Related: Should Exes Ever Get Back Together?
But, if you want to get back with an ex and rekindle your relationship, there are a few things you can do that can increase your chances.
So, if you’re still in love with your ex and want them back long after your breakup, here are 6 things you need to do.
1. Give them the space they asked for.
If you’re already in the thick of online research about getting back with an ex, you’ve probably found a thing called the “no contact” rule. This one will probably be harder if you were the one broken up with, but it’s so important.
If you can’t respect your ex-partner’s basic wishes of having some space, you’re not off to a good start in making them want to date you again.
It’s simple and very effective: stop all the communication with your ex for 30 days. This includes:
- No calling or texting.
- No online contact of any kind (Facebook Messaging, IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat).
- No creeping on their FB wall or stalking them via friends’ FB profiles.
- No “accidentally” bumping into them or hanging out with friends in hopes of “running into” them (it’s not as clever as you think it is!)
People often have the idea that your ex will “forget you” if you don’t stay in contact. In reality, every time you call, text, or contact your ex you send the message you are needy and miserable. This is unattractive and further affirms the decision they made to break up in the first place.
You don’t want that. Return to the strong, independent person you were before for a little bit and see how you feel.
2. Hold your tongue.
Well, obviously you’re hurt by all of this, and a vent session with your BFF is certainly called for. But instead of becoming vindictive, think of how it would feel if the roles were reversed.
How would you respond if someone you once cared about spoke badly about you to all your friends or revealed secrets you shared?
Next, comes the thought of your ex dating someone else. The idea makes you want to throw up, launch into begging mode while sobbing about how you can’t live without them and if they don’t respond, you might text, IM, and social media stalk them. Wrong answer!
For whatever the reason for the breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person. Back to the misconception covered in the first point: they will not forget about you!
3. Transform yourself and your life.
Let’s be brutally honest here — you need space and time to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. It’s unrealistic to think you can analyze your relationship right after a breakup — it takes time and space to evaluate whether being with your ex is really in your best interest or if being with them is merely a comfortable habit you have grown accustomed to.
Once the harsh shock has lessened, you might recognize that you don’t need your ex to be happy. Maybe you’ll still want them, but there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone.
The way to get perspective is to get out of your head and leave your home — go adventuring! While there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving, and analyzing your relationship, this must be balanced with learning to enjoy life by yourself again.
Learning to be a happy individual without your ex takes time, and you must get your individuality back before you can have a healthy relationship with your ex (or anyone else).
Making positive changes in your appearance, feeling confidence and changing up your life perspective will allow you to feel “new” and as a better version of yourself.
If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But, make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself. Happiness and confidence are traits you can develop without another person romantically in your life.
Meditation, self-awareness, and acceptance are where confidence is derived. Neediness and clinginess come from self-doubt. Go out on a few dates before ending a “no contact” with your ex. Dating allows you to have a new perspective.
Only after you’ve faced your fears of being alone can really know if you want your relationship back.
4. Ask yourself: Are the issues truly fixable?
OK, you miss your ex a lot and do want them back. Everything is terrible and you want to go back in time.
It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are still in love with them. Were your reasons for breaking up mendable? Why do you really want to get back with your ex?
If the answer is “I can’t live without them” or “I’m miserable without them”, these are not healthy responses. Your ex will not make you happy — this is a hard one to accept, but only you can make yourself happy. The only way you can do this is by understanding and loving yourself while appreciating your strengths and challenges.
If you broke up over who was going to do housework or if one was working too many hours, then the problem may be fixed if one or both partners are willing to make a sacrifice for the relationship.
On the other hand, if the disagreements are about intangible values (e.g. religion) or future plans (e.g. to have children or where to live), it’s likely you will be incompatible over time.
5. Open the communication on your terms.
If after a month you’ve decided that trying to get back together feels right, it’s probably time to open up the dialog. If it was a long-term partnership, then taking an honest approach (e.g. you miss them) probably will serve best.
If it was a shorter-term relationship, then casually asking them for coffee might be better. Bottom line- an open-ended, sober daytime get-together allows for you both to be clear-headed and honest about how you feel without pressure.
Issues in need of clarification or apologies to be made are best-taken care of early in the conversation. By showing you’ve thought about what led to the break-up and considered everyone’s feelings demonstrates the idea of getting back together wasn’t done on impulse, which is so important. Maybe your ex is all for it or maybe not!
Either way, you should reflect on the best parts of your relationship. If you love your ex enough to want to be with them again, you should try to look at the past you had together without regret, regardless of the outcome.
6. If you get back together, really do the work.
If you decide to give it another go, know that building trust again won’t happen overnight. Your bond has the potential to be stronger if you’re able to speak to your partner about how you want to be treated — both likes and dislikes.
Although getting back together may feel passionate, there were still reasons you broke up in the first place, and now’s the time to tackle them.
Relationships of all kinds are both the most satisfying part of being a human being, and often the most difficult. Romantic partnerships are even more intense, as we come to depend on another human being to share our lives with!
Dealing with a breakup and getting over someone are not easy, especially if you still love your ex.
But, don’t discount the weights and feelings as well as the ups and downs of dating relationships. Be kind to yourself, value yourself, and know that no matter what happens, you’re going to be alright.
Getting your ex back is not really difficult. The challenge is keeping them. Once you have gone through a breakup, both you and your partner will change as individuals. Even if you do get back together, you will find it hard to keep them. They key is to let go of your old relationship and start a new one.
Written By Dr. Lisa Webb Originally Appeared On YourTango