Increase the chances of your relationship working out for the second time
You want to know how to get your ex back after a breakup you didn’t want and it’s not easy, but with time and patience, it’s possible.
It’s happened to all of us. After a traumatic fight with your partner, your mind keeps racing trying to figure out the best way to get back with your now ex-partner.
The whole night was a mistake. You’re hurt, emotionally drained, and most of all, confused. And unfortunately, during this state of confusion, you’re bound to make a lot of mistakes that will hurt your chances of getting back together.
You keep asking yourself, “Does my ex want me back, too?”
You want a foolproof plan! You want a guarantee that things will work out with your ex in the future!
Sorry, sweetheart, there’s no such plan. No dice.
But, if you want to get back with an ex and rekindle your relationship, there are a few things you can do that can increase your chances.
So, if you’re still in love with your ex and want them back long after your breakup, here are 6 things you need to do.
1. Give them the space they asked for
If you’re already in the thick of online research about getting back with an ex, you’ve probably found a thing called “no contact” rule. This one will probably be harder if you were the one broken up with, but it’s so important.
If you can’t respect your ex-partner’s basic wishes of having some space, you’re not off to a good start in making them want to date you again.
It’s simple and very effective: stop all the communication with your ex for 30 days. This includes:
- No calling or texting
- No online contact of any kind (Facebook Messaging, IM, Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat)
- No creeping on their FB wall or stalking them via friends’ FB profiles.
- No “accidentally” bumping into them or hanging out with friends in hopes of “running into” them (it’s not as clever as you think it is!)
People often have the idea that your ex will “forget you” if you don’t stay in contact. In reality, every time you call, text or contact your ex you send the message you are needy and miserable. This is unattractive and further affirms the decision they made to break up in the first place.
You don’t want that. Return to the strong, independent person you were before for a little bit and see how you feel.
2. Hold your tongue
Well, obviously you’re hurt by all of this and a vent session with your BFF is certainly called for. But instead of becoming vindictive, think of how it would feel if the roles were reversed.
How would you respond if someone you once cared about spoke badly about you to all your friends or revealed secrets you shared?
Next, comes the thought of your ex dating someone else. The idea makes you want to throw up, launch into begging mode while sobbing about how you can’t live without them and if they don’t respond, you might text, IM, and social media stalk them. Wrong answer!
For whatever the reason for the breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person. Back to the misconception covered in the first point: they will not forget about you!
3. Transform yourself and your life
Let’s be brutally honest here — you need space and time to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. It’s unrealistic to think you can analyze your relationship right after a breakup — it takes time and space to evaluate whether being with your ex is really in your best interest or if being with them is merely a comfortable habit you have grown accustomed to.
Once the harsh shock has lessened, you might recognize that you don’t need your ex to be happy. Maybe you’ll still want them, but there is a big difference between needing someone and wanting someone.
The way to get perspective is to get out of your head and leave your home — go adventuring! While there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship, this must be balanced with learning to enjoy life by yourself again.
Learning to be a happy individual without your ex takes time, and you must get your individuality back before you can have a healthy relationship with your ex (or anyone else).
Making positive changes in your appearance, feeling confidence and changing up your life perspective will allow you to feel “new” and as a better version of yourself.
If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But, make sure you also do something to make yourself feel good about yourself. Happiness and confidence are traits you can develop without another person romantically in your life.
Meditation, self-awareness, and acceptance are where confidence is derived. Neediness and clinginess come from self-doubt. Go out on a few dates before ending a “no contact” with your ex. Dating allows you to have a new perspective.
Only after you’ve faced your fears of being alone can really know if you want your relationship back.
4. Ask yourself: Are the issues truly fixable?
OK, you miss your ex a lot and do want them back. Everything is terrible and you want to go back in time.
It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are still in love with them. Were your reasons for breaking up mendable? Why do you really want to get back with your ex?
If the answer is “I can’t live without them” or “I’m miserable without them”, these are not healthy responses. Your ex will not make you happy — this is a hard one to accept, but only you can make yourself happy. The only way you can do this is by understanding and loving yourself while appreciating your strengths and challenges.
If you broke up over who was going to do housework or if one was working too many hours, then the problem may be fixed if one or both partners are willing to make a sacrifice for the relationship.
On the other hand, if the disagreements are about intangible values (e.g. religion) or future plans (e.g. to have children or where to live), it’s likely you will be incompatible over time.