How to Stop Granting Emotional Energy To An Abuser: This Works Better Than Grey Rock


Stop Granting Emotional Energy To Abuser

The method of grey rock has been known to be one of the most effective ways of dealing with a narcissist and their abuse. But sometimes, grey rock doesn’t always work as well as you would hope.

There is a much deeper truth to grey rock to really be able to detach and no longer be triggered by a narcissist.

Traditional grey rock may not be as effective to stop an abuser abusing you as you think.

Narcissists know how to get to you, so it can be very hard to just act flat line when they hit your weak spot or go for what is going to incite you into feeling devastated, heartbroken, dismayed, or even betrayed.

Want to know more about what works better than grey rock? Check this video out below:

I’m so looking forward to sharing with you what traditional grey rock is and why it may not be as effective as you think to stop an abuser from abusing you.

Also, why there is a much deeper truth to grey rock to really be able to detach and no longer be triggered by a narcissist, and how to be able to not react, be empowered, and defuse the power the narcissist has been using against you so that you can parallel parent successfully, if you have children, or be able to handle any narcissist that you can’t go No Contact with

All right, let’s begin.

What Is Traditional Grey Rock?

Let’s have a look at what traditional grey rock is and why it may not be as effective to stop an abuser abusing you as you think.

So traditional grey rock is about granting no energy. It’s about monosyllables when you answer, and it’s about not having any emotional content in your replies. It’s about being flatline, really boring even, in the way that you answer, with very little inflection and just you granting no emotional energy. That’s what grey rock is all about.

The truth about grey rock is, you may be way too triggered to even be able to pretend to be grey rocking because we know narcissists hit your weak spot, they go for what is going to incite you into feeling devastated, heartbroken, dismayed, or even betrayed.

They know how to get to you, so it can be very hard to just act flatline. Even if you do act grey rock, if you are really trying as hard as you can to be flatlined and it even seems it’s coming across like that, you may be shocked to find out that even though you’re pulling back and detaching and you’re offering no energy at all, that the abuse is continuing and it still keeps coming at you.

Related: The Pros and Cons Of A Gray Rock Strategy

The Deeper Truth About Grey Rock

Why is there a much deeper truth to grey rock and what is it to really be able to detach and no longer be triggered by a narcissist? The deeper truth to grey rock is narcissistic abuse is an energetic phenomenon.

Even if you’re doing grey rock on the surface, there is still a psychic vandalization phenomenon going on. This is about the narcissist sucking energy from you at a psychic level.

What it means is that if you have any wounds and traumas, which we do, that the narcissist is targeting and inciting within you, that you are going to get triggered. You’re going to feel this pain and this fear inside of you, this emotional distress, this emotional dis-ease that the narcissist is using, that energetic hit, your fear and pain to power up and feed off.

What happens in traditional grey rock is that in many cases people just think that detaching and offering no emotional energy is going to make a narcissist desist and is going to help them heal and move on with their life. In many, many cases people who are just working with grey rock and modified contact still don’t heal and the attacks can continue.

Let’s just get very clear here that if you can go No Contact that’s great, but in many cases, because of a connection with somebody that you’re co-parenting, parallel parenting with, or it’s a family member that you’re going to be seeing at functions or you work with this person, maybe you can’t go No Contact so you do have to do modified contact at least for a time or maybe forever or indefinitely.

If you’re not healing, you are still feeding the narcissist the emotional connection which is holding up the connection for them to keep hitting you, to get narcissistic supply, which doesn’t need to be on a logical cognitive level, it can be on an energetic level that they’re still sucking your energy.

The true and only way to get an abuser to stop hurting you is to heal what is inside of you that’s getting triggered and that requires healing.

This message that I’m granting you all the time – so within, so without – is about that trigger that’s getting hit which is the devastation or the despair or the insecurity or the unfairness, the injustice, the betrayals …

When you’re no longer feeling those, and people think that that may not be possible (because how can you not feel those?), you’ll be amazed that when you heal on the inside you literally will not feel them because this person no longer has any power over you.

How To Not React

Let’s talk about, and we’ve touched on it now, how to be able to not react – how to be empowered and diffuse the power the narcissist has been using against you so that you can parallel parent successfully, if you have children, or to be able to handle any narcissist that you can’t go No Contact with.

Of course, this is going to be somebody that you work with or an associate or somebody that you have to be at family functions with.

Also too, if you’re having to deal with the narcissist in a custody case or a court case, if you can go genuine grey rock from the inside out, without triggers, this puts you in the most powerful position to be able to get a judgment in your favor. I promise you, it is totally possible.

What do we do? How do we do it? We make grey rock genuine, which means to detach and turn inwards. Rather than focusing on what you’re doing to me, the focus is why am I feeling a trigger in relation to what this person is doing?

NARP is so effective for that, being able to turn inwards, claim, load up, release, reprogram those triggers – they literally dissolve away. It can happen very, very quickly if you’re dedicated to doing the Module work on it.

Related: The One Rule You Need To Effectively Communicate With a Narcissist


Then what happens is you’re going to emerge totally detached without triggers. This means you’re no longer pretending to grey rock any more, you just ARE grey rock. You understand logically and cognitively that you need to be monosyllable, offer no energy, less is best and don’t get into any emotional conversations whatsoever.

If there’s rubbish, you just ignore it. Then you’re going to be able to show up saying things like, “This is what I am prepared to do, and this is what I’m not prepared to do.” Because many of the conversations that you’re having with a narcissist – it’s great if it can be done through a third party – can be done through just text, and it’s only about things of a practical nature, nothing else, because this person is not privy to your life anymore on an emotional level whatsoever, it’s just about practical things and that’s it.

When you’re in detachment and you’re working at healing all of your triggers, then you can just retain the right to refuse to respond to anything emotional, personal, or accusatory.

I really love this example of a friend in my life. She had a very narcissistic father who, quite frankly, was quite a train wreck. He was siphoning out money and energy from all of the family members and being highly abusive. Because of his health and other things, she retained him in her life with modified contact but she did all of the work on those triggers.

She was so grey rock with him that it would only be conversations of a practical nature. When he stepped over the line she would hang up the phone or walk away. She would say, “I am not prepared to have that conversation,” and leave.

Of course, we can have all sorts of traumas of guilt come up. You may have triggers of now that I’ve said no to this person how are they going to retaliate? What are they going to do in my life? How are they going to rip me apart?

You have to release and heal all of those terrors as well because then it will hold. The narcissist always loses power against you when you have no inner matching wounds and you will see that it really is a little person behind the curtain, not the big terrifying entity that you thought this person was.


I really hope that this has helped you understand the difference between a traditional grey rock and being a true Thriver through the detachment of your energy field and emotional self from a narcissist, from the inside out.

I want you to get it very clear, grey rock is so hard to achieve just by deciding to do it and thinking that you’re just going to do it.  This is why so many people can’t make grey rock work properly for them.

I’d love to help you discover how to really, really switch this ability on, and I can help you do that by you signing up for my free 16-day course. You can connect to that resource, which has so many other resources with it too, by clicking the link at the top right of this video.

That is where you’re going to learn how to take your power back and truly heal for real.

I hope that this video today has really helped clarify true grey rock for you.

Written By Melanie Tonia Evans
Originally Appeared In Melanie Tonia Evans

It’s not that grey rock does not work at all, or it’s useless; it’s just that complete detachment sometimes works better. Because when you are detaching yourself, it gets enormously difficult for a narcissist to hurt, anger or irritate you. You reach a point where their tricks and games don’t have any kind of impact on you.

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