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Why Nice Guys Stay Single

Why Nice Guys Stay Single

“I figured if I was nice, I would impress girls. If I was nice enough, I would get a girlfriend.”

I’ve heard this so many times. And for the record, I think it’s incredible. How awesome does a human have to be in order to understand that basic kindness is the bedrock of all relationships? When young men say this to me, it warms my heart. These are lovely, beautiful people, and they’re going to do well in life.

But they’re not going to get a girlfriend. If they do, it’s likely to be shallow, unfulfilling and short lived.

That’s because ‘nice’ is what you do when you’re scared to be who you really are.

Nice is a tool. It’s a predetermined set of behaviors that can be followed in casual social situations in order to avoid awkwardness and hurt feelings. It’s a default setting, and one that works really, really well for 90% of your life—in the office, going to the bank, meeting someone new, walking down the street. Without nice, rudeness would reign in restrooms, yelling matches would pepper our time on public transit, and don’t even get me started on the damage the service industry would inflict on customers, unfettered by this do-no-harm social code. Sent a steak back to the kitchen? Prepare to be punched in the face by the chef.

Nice prevents us from clawing at each other’s’ throats. It’s the lubricant that allows complex, weird, hurting people to have social intercourse without too much soreness afterwards. Emotionally, I mean.

It also separates us from the real, authentic experience we’re having every moment. It gives us an excuse not to share that authentic experience with the people who are experiencing it with us. Because it’s pre-set and default, it’s autopilot. It’s a way for us to cop out. Nice is a way to momentarily disown the dirty ugly parts of ourselves that we are so afraid others will see.

Nice is denying the shadow; the parts of yourself that you wish weren’t part of you …. That means it’s denying others—especially romantic partners—the opportunity to know and love you for who you really are.

It’s pretending you don’t feel afraid, or inadequate, or sometimes lost or often lonely. It’s denying that you are a complex, weird, difficult person who struggles in the world and deserves to be wholly loved and accepted anyways. That means it’s denying others—especially romantic partners—the opportunity to know and love you for who you really are.

We’re all weirdos. We’re all hurting. We all have things about ourselves that we think are so awful that we aren’t even aware they are part of us, because we’re denying them so hard. Nice is one of the main tools we use to deny those things. “I’m not angry!” we cry. “I’m nice!’”

The truth is, you’re neither. You’re much more than what you feel. There are real women in the world who want desperately to see the truth of you. Even the parts you don’t like.

While it makes sense to eschew our freak flags in favor of social niceties 90% of the time, it is a terrible way to approach women you want to be with. It negates the possibility of real intimacy, stops the beautiful flower of connection from sprouting. We’re taught that we have to be nice in order to be worthy, acceptable, lovable. While it’s true that we have to be nice sometimes, in order to maintain social equilibrium, it’s also true that we can let our nice shield down with those who matter. Which is scary! Very scary! It’s the single most vulnerable thing a person can do.

Can you be brave enough to do that for the women you care about? We are yearning for your authentic presence. Can you provide it?

Some women want nice, and not just while you’re out at restaurants or meeting her parents for the first time. Those are the ones with whom you’ll eventually feel lonely in love, always a little bit separate from each other and from the real juicy wet sexy awkward moments of your life together. That’s because you’re helping each other maintain separation from your selves.

What do you think?

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Written by Kathryn Hogan

Hi! I'm Kathryn. I'm a wellness and relationship coach and author. I share powerful tools and mindful practices to help you live that Big, Rich, Satisfying life your heart knows you’re meant to be living. My book, Your Big Life: Ground Rules to Get Unstuck and Stop Sabotaging Yourself, is coming out December 14th. Check out &lt

4 Comments

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  1. Why do nice guys remain single?

    Because women themselves, especially in America, are toxic, hateful, selfish, and spoiled rotten with a very bad attitude. American women themselves are even violent killers in their toxic hearts of extreme violence. They may look harmless on the outside, but it’s all a facade; American women in their toxic hearts are worse than Adolf Hitler! The difference is, American women are, thankfully, too scared to carry guns and shoot/murder other guys that get within less than a hundred feet of her. But they run off with violent gang bangers, drug runners, serial killers, and terrorists that are not afraid even to detonate a roadside bomb on a crowded street.

    To put it in a nutshell, in America, nice guys remain single because American/Americanized women themselves are toxic and evil, and they want guys that are toxic, violent, evil, and who are nothing but pandemonium waiting to happen.

  2. To the author … be nice, does not mean to be incompetent or inoffensive or stupid !! If nice it is to realize that it is not necessary to be a bad boy to conquer anyone or anything !! This text that is here demonstrates the lack of maturity when trying to impose the rule that to have a relationship be in a loving or professional way have to be rude or bad ass! So let me explain one thing to you, since you’re an wellness and relationship coach…lol
    Being, nice is the synonym of inner growth is having the ability to understand both sides of the coin. All of us, no matter how good we are, we are not cowards !! And being nice, it’s not being helpless, or will it be that being aggressive and rude is the way!?!? Ask yourself this question !! Look at yourself in the mirror and then face your weaknesses and frustrations, because that’s what I see in what you wrote, weakness and frustration !! being nice is having the ability to show your true self from the inside out, and do not impose To be accepted by force or by imposition of fear, but rather to be shitting for what others think of me for being as I am. But in your words I understand that to be a typical stereotype macho man in the western style, (well you understand that the world is in transformation and evolution and respect and kindness are part of that evolution) and that is more important! It is the stereotype of a person like you who leads the world into chaos, in which love has no place, only selfishness, that only the egoist is going to have the women he wants and will never be alone, because he is Shit to the feelings of others ?? This person has no self-love or, it’s a thing not a human being !! I think you still have a great walk in life to go through until you can really be what you are trying to title yourself !!

  3. I never thought being nice is bad but things make you realize, people who play with feelings are more happy than who care a lot about them. Probably changes are certain in life so I am willing to transform from nice to a careless guy who love to play 🙂

  4. To the Author,

    You should read into what a “pure soul” is …. your not at the higher conscious mind yet.

    What kind of bs are you writing. Getting horny over saying men need to give themselves endlessly? By being a door mat?

    Get the fuck out of here. I am nice but evil if you cross the line. That is the key to masculinity. Get lost with this new age bs

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