What are the factors that lead to an affair?
Believe it or not, it’s not about SEX, and it’s not about Physical Attraction to the other woman. For many men who have cheated their wives or mates were far MORE attractive than the other woman, and their husbands found their wives more sexually satisfying, too.
So, why do men cheat and what makes a man unfaithful?
Affairs are usually the result of one single factor, but can be the accumulation of many. For most an affair was a way of meeting a certain emotional need that their partners were not providing. Although, there are often other factors as well, such as boredom; the desire to punish one’s partner; excitement, risk, or challenge; and even ‘power’ to name a few.
Usually, if a man is having, or contemplating having, an affair, he is using it as a way to fill an emotional void he feels in his current relationship with his mate. Most underlying causes of infidelity are based on the person (who is doing the cheating) seeking certain needs that were lacking in their relationships.
Believe, it or not, when it comes to relationships, men have needs too.
What are these needs that men have?
Men, just like women, seek certain emotional needs. These may be different needs than the ones we feel, but just as important to their fulfillment as our needs being fulfilled are important to us. What are a man’s needs?
Face it, women like affection and men like sex. A man is feeling his most free to give love for a woman when he is engaged in sex with her. It is one of the few times he can relax and feel love without the expectations of having to ‘pay’ for it. What I mean when I say ‘pay’ for it is when a man says I love you, or feels love, he also feels the tremendous burden of what those words mean to him. He must now provide for her. Keep her happy and secure. Provide a safe home to which they may raise a family. Seek steady and financially secure employment. Seek her approval on every single plan before putting it into action. Yes, when a man says “I Love You” his insides turn with fear and worry about being able to provide all those I just mentioned. Love to woman often means security. Love to a man often means work! When a man is having sex with a woman he is allowed to feel his love for her free of all the ‘work’ that comes with the word love. He can open himself up and feel not being taken, drained, or pressured to provide… but experience the pure joy of mutual giving and taking with no other reason than loving bliss. Men cheat when they feel pressured at home.
A man also seeks in his mate a buddy or a pal:
This is when he feels his needs for acceptance being taken care of. A man wants his woman to be his best friend, his pal. He wants her to share an interest in his activities. This, in turn, makes him feel you are showing an interest in him! If he wants to golf, or fish, and you show no interest at all in joining him, he feels like his likes are unacceptable to you. Like you somehow don’t approve of him or have interests in him. When you join him you provide his need for you to be interested, and accepting of him. He feels attractive, comfortable, and secure. He feels validated and understood (Hence the good old adultery line “She doesn’t understand me!”) By joining in his hobbies and activities you are showing him you are interested in him and accept everything about him, and that you trust him to make you happy. A man may be unfaithful if his partner doesn’t share the same interests.
Not finding his mate physically attractive:
Oh, OUCH! This one hurts, but it is true. Men are definitely creatures of visual stimulation. Note the marketable comparison in the amount of men’s ‘girlie’ magazines (they are meant to tantalize, tease, and whet the appetite) as compared to women’s ‘boyie’ magazines. Women sometimes forget this need because they don’t have the same visual needs. Women feel love, and that bond excites them. Men see it! Men may cheat because they fall victim to their own basic animal desires. This type of unfaithful man hasn’t any involvement, attachment or commitment to the other woman, but that doesn’t mean that it hurts his partner any less.