How to be more mindful of your communications? Check to see if you are guilty of using some of these “conversation killers” or “blockers”:
“The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.” —George Bernard Shaw
We are constantly told that communication is essential and there’s no such thing as over-communicating. We see communication as a standard price-of-entry. Almost every job description has it as a required skill. However, most of us experience at least one miscommunication every day.
What’s going on?
First, we vastly overestimate the importance of our words to the neglect of our non-verbals. As a famous quote from Stanford University goes, “You cannot not communicate.” That is, even if you are saying nothing, you are saying something. In fact, 93 per cent of communication is actually about body language, tone, and emphasis rather than the content or words being spoken.1
Be mindful of your body language and tone and whether it matches the message.
This is easier said than done. One, it requires you to be in the moment—not just mentally but physically. It also requires you to be aware of what you are truly feeling about the moment.
Sometimes your nonverbals betray you. For instance, perhaps you want to help solve a problem between two colleagues, but you are unintentionally lean towards the colleague you like or believe more.
Being mindful of your body language is especially important if you are working across a dispersed workforce with English not being people’s first language.
Individuals less comfortable with English are going to be looking for clues in your body language and tone even more.
And to add further complications to this, gestures may mean different things in different cultures. Watch for clues in the other person’s body language to see if your message is being delivered as you intended and verbally clarify your intent.
Being mindful about your non-verbal sometimes will require you explicitly communicate about why there is a disconnect between your body language and your message. For instance, you may need to say, “I am interested in what you have to say—I’m just a bit cold, so I need to cross my arms.” It may seem tedious, but the small gesture can keep rapport and conversation open.
Given that we live in a technological age of phone calls, emails, and social media, many times we don’t get to see or hear the body language or tone of the message. So let’s also talk about the remaining 7 percent (actual content) and understand what we are saying.
Recognize how you are framing your language: 11 Conversation Killers/Blockers to avoid
Being more mindful of the specific words you are using is important. This is tricky in stressful situations like tight deadlines or when mistakes have been made.
Check to see if you are guilty of using some of these “conversation killers” or “blockers”:
1. Trying to prove that you are right:
“Let me tell you what happened/the facts,” or “You are wrong.”
2. Telling the person what they “ought” or “should” do:
“You should have done it this way.”
3. Threatening the person with “or else’s” or “if you don’ts”
“Fix this now or else.”
4. Negating their own experience
“Most people don’t react like this,” or “You aren’t thinking straight.”
5. Not staying focused on the actual issue or bringing up things from the past
“This is just like the project two years ago,” or “And you also were late last week.”
6. Labeling the person rather than the behavior
“You are sloppy,” or “This shows how inconsiderate you are.”
7. Diminishing any positives with “but”
“You have so much potential, but…” or “You are an intelligent person, but…”
“Why did you do this?!”
9. Jumping to assumptions
“Clearly you have an issue with them,” or “You have a problem with any routine.”