“We think that forgiveness is a weakness, but it’s absolutely not; it takes a very strong person to forgive.” – T. D. Jakes
T. D. Jakes take on forgiveness clearly states why sometimes one needs to learn how to forgive. Practicing forgiveness is not everyone’s cup of tea.
“You are wrong I am right”
Humans are eternally flawed just as Alexander Pope said ‘To err is human’.
In your lifetime, you sure have been wronged by one or the other person who you couldn’t forgive yet. Be it your friend, your colleague, your ex-partner or even your parents, letting go of the pain they inflicted on you is definitely not legitimate.
When you recall the entire context, you know for sure you do not need any logical justification to move on from the resentment and bitterness you hold against that person. You know they are wrong and you are innocent. That is all you need to perpetuate the grudge that you hold towards them.
You are not generally unaware of the counterproductivity of negative emotions that you hold against the offender, but you are not ready to give away your victim mentality. Every time you try justifying their behavior, you end up justifying yours.
In a context where you know that you have been wronged, betrayed, manipulated, cheated on, or worse still emotionally abused and victimized, it’s justified for you to be vengeful. In fact, for you, the only possible way to punish the perpetrator is to never forgive him/her.
As trivial as the perpetration might be, the core belief behind being unable to forgive is that forgiving will lead to us condoning the actions of the offender, subtly giving them the cue that they have the power to mess with people’s lives and get away with it. On the other side, it makes the victim feel powerless to let go of the offender without punishing them.
But here’s the twist.
“Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past and is, therefore, the means for correcting our misperceptions.” – Gerald Jampolsky
Forgiveness is a process in which an offended person undergoes a voluntary modification in their attitude, conception, and feelings towards the offender which results in the abandonment of negative feelings like hatred, vengefulness, and aggression towards the offender to replace it with an increased ability to wish the offender well.
But why wish offenders well? Why forgive their malicious intent and accept them as they are?
It’s about you and not them.
When we are hurt by someone, hoping for the person’s well-being is the last thing that comes to our mind. The initial, immediate response to being wronged is to wish the person suffering, sorrow, discontentment, and emotional turmoil. We often tell ourselves “I wish this person faces the same things that he/she made me go through.” “He/she should taste a dose of karma.” “I wish this person suffers as much as I did.”
We lose our rationale as we are overcome with anger, frustration, and extreme aggression towards this particular person. We mistakenly start believing that every time we silently curse them, wish them ill-being, plan revenge on them, withhold affection, we are actually being in control and are successful in ‘punishing’ the other person for their deed. We believe the more we delay forgiveness, the harsher will be the lesson they learn.
But as James E. Faust says, “Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours.”
Ask yourself, are those suppressed, dysregulated negative emotions slowly spreading its bitterness within you, very constructive?
Is it making you feel better over time? Or is it making you lose your mental peace?