It doesn’t seem too long ago that we weren’t just an idea. But reality. At least some fantasy I wanted to see become reality. That’s what I held onto. Every false promise. Every false lead. Letting go so easily, every time you disappointed me or let me down because I thought just maybe if I loved you hard enough or tried hard enough maybe you’d realize what I saw from the beginning.
We were a stream of trial and error. Running in these circles. Coming in and out of each other’s lives and I thought it was a sign. A sign that we found our way back to each other every time. No matter what happened we always found our way again. No matter how we might have hurt each other or let each other down. And no matter how wrong we might have been for each other, neither of us could deny the fact that there was something stronger there. A force greater than both of us.
I was pompous to think our history and a past I couldn’t let go of entitled me to your future. But I wanted it to be you. God damn, I wanted it to be you.
And as much as we grew up and grew apart over the years, we carried pieces of each other in every new version of ourselves we became.
We carried pieces of each other in every new place and in every new person we met. And in everyone we ever loved, the foundation first was the love we found in each other, even though we couldn’t define it really.
It’s hard to make sense of the love you have for another person when you’re still trying to figure out how to love yourself.
But we saw every worst version of each other. We lived through every horrible thing we couldn’t explain and the only thing that ever made sense in any of it was each other and the fact no matter what happened, we’d eventually find our way again.
The words I love you weren’t said because you meant it, I think we were each looking for someone to love you. I think we were looking to fill unexplainable voids. My love came free and easy not hard to won over. In both of our lives, we learned a hard lesson in love that sometimes the love we deserve from people we don’t get.
So we turned to each other. And it was in one another we learned about the cracks and scars that made us exactly who we were. And it was that understanding and lack of judgment that made us who we became after all of it. Not to be defined by circumstance but rather who we chose to be.
Both our hearts felt a little too deeply in a world that left us disappointed. We both became jaded and guarded and fearful not of love but of finding it and losing it.
I think sometimes we hurt each other because of the pain others caused us. I think sometimes we blamed each other for things that weren’t the other’s ownership to claim.
Moments where we each needed someone to hate and we loved each other enough, so that’s where it fell.
But I think we also like testing each other. There’s something comforting about knowing someone will always be there loving you regardless how you act.
We were a nice idea.
And there are still times I think back believing in it. Believing in us. When you swore to me we’d be together and we’d get it right. Of the things, I was uncertain of, I believed in you and the us I wanted so badly.
But then I got to realize that’s all it was, an idea that seemed nice.
I came to this cold realization as I went to the same place that used to be ours. I went so often alone it became my own but every time I went back I still saw the younger versions of ourselves. Ones who believed in each other.