How it feels to let go
Bea Pilotin shares her personal experience of how it felt to let go of her other half.
Do you remember the last time we talked? It had been one of those in-between September days when autumnal tints and late summer sun seemed to merge and gave the impression of being suspended between seasons.
I told you:
“I can’t love you. I still love him and I suppose I could love another man in another way at the same time but not you. Because I would always see you as an extension of him. I want to fall in love with you in a separate way- one that involves only us, uninfluenced by the past, and our hurt. I can’t-do that now and I can’t say when I’ll be able to. Don’t make me special. Don’t waste your time waiting for me. Keep looking around then you’ll forget about me.”
That’s not true! Yes, I did lie to you.
On that day, you have disappeared without uttering a word. There were no words of parting nor promises of beginning from you. And on the same day, I started longing for you. Every moment, since then, I started missing you and I was wishing to see you again so that I could tell you what’s going on in my heart.
Pain seared through my heart each moment, every day. I cried the tears of a lovelorn, the all-consuming sporadic weeping that shattered my entire body for an hour or end. I was so bitterly sorry for myself that I didn’t know how to survive the lonely days without you. I have tried to hide the despondency to everybody but it lived like parasites, sucking away my ability to enjoy life.
I have tried to detach myself from the bittersweet remembrance that holds me back from the hope that, one day we will meet again. I have tried to take the courage to move on in a new direction but I failed. I still think about meeting you one day, maybe, just maybe at the end of the road- the one that involves only us.
I’m sorry, I lied. I told you I can’t love you. But you have occupied the whole space in my mind and my heart. I wonder, why do love and pain have to go together? Why do our hearts function the way they do? Why do our hearts keep on loving and defy explanations?
I’m sorry for not telling you how I felt. It has been years but the thought of meeting someone else is not even a consideration. I still wince painfully every time I think of you. I want to tell you that I can’t bear the pain of knowing I won’t be able to see you again. It’s true, nothing is ever easy and it’s never easy to forget you. The memories of you, hurt me so much until now. And I can’t wait for the day when I see you again.