Are you fed up of being a “nice guy”? Do you want to reclaim your true masculinity? Read on to know about the nice guy syndrome and how you can kill the nice guy.
“In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one’s humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.” ― Robert Glover
The “Nice Guy” Syndrome
In the past, I was the “nice guy.”
Growing up, I was taught to believe I have to be “nice” so others will reciprocate and I will get what I want in return. Secretly I was doing “nice” things for people because I wanted something in return. Driven by the covert contract, I did everything to please others hoping to get what I want.
Not having any boundaries and self-respect for myself, I allowed others to take advantage of me. They behaved that way because I was training them to do so.
Most times I wouldn’t get what I want. As a result, I would feel resentful and bitter. This was true for all my platonic and romantic relationships.
Related: Why Women Don’t Want a “Nice Guy”?
“Nice Guy” Behaviors
Lacking a strong backbone, I didn’t stand up for myself. I would say “yes” to things that I didn’t like just to please others. By doing so, I was saying “no” to things that did.
That’s the epitome of being a “nice guy!”
I was putting everyone else’s wants and needs first before my own hoping I would get my needs met in return.
In the realm of romantic relationships, I would do “nice” things for the woman I liked hoping she would fall in love with me.
I was always there when she:
- Needed someone’s help.
- Broke up with her boyfriend and wanted a shoulder to cry on.
- Felt bored and desired someone to watch movies with her.
I did everything a good boyfriend would do, but yet I was never seen as a potential lover in her eyes.
As for platonic relationships, I was the “yes” man. For work, I would always agree to stay late or come in on the weekends even though deep down I didn’t want to. Wanting my colleagues to like me was my motive for saying “yes” to working late.
By being “soft,” I trained my boss to expect me to work long hours. Working overtime is definitely sometimes necessary, but not all the time! They come in seasons, but not all year round.
Having no boundaries, I let others take advantage of my time. As a result, I compromised my health and social life because I spent most of my free time at work.
Everything changed when I discovered the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover.
This book described me perfectly because I portrayed most of the “nice guy” traits. In most of my interactions, I:
- Had a hidden agenda
- Was indirect
- Was passive-aggressive
- Had no boundaries
- Was not honest
- Was not genuinely nice
- Avoided conflict
- Sought approval from others
- Had difficulty making my needs a priority
After reading the book and taking action steps to reclaim my personal power and true masculinity, I have eliminated most of my “nice guy” traits.
As a recovering “nice guy,” I still have old habits that creep up. But by being aware of those behaviors, I can consciously start to form new and lasting healthy habits.
How to Kill the “Nice Guy”
The first and most important lesson is to express self-love by putting yourself first. This will be extremely difficult for you to do because you have conditioned to put others first.
Me too, I used to be the same.
But what I have learned is that only by putting myself first and having my needs met can I truly give to others without expecting anything in return.
You have to be selfish first so you can be selfless.
As a result, you’re not seeking approval from others, especially women, because you approve yourself.
Whether or not you get the woman is irrelevant as long as you’re expressing your truth by stating your clear intentions. In your interactions with women, there could be endless reasons why she doesn’t want you. But understand that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to romantic relationships.
It’s either she wants you or she doesn’t. Give the meaning that she’s not compatible with you and move on. Because if she were, she would want to be with you.
To express more self-love for yourself, dedicate time out of your day strictly for yourself. These are activities that create energy and joy in your life. Put them on your calendar and make it a priority.
For example, every morning, I dedicate time for my meditation practice. Afterward, I’m in a positive state and ready to serve others.
You must first be comfortable with yourself before you can do the same around others. Create time for yourself and express self-love often. That’s the first step to kill the nice guy.
Related: 12 Tips To Self-Love And Compassion