I’d like you to consider the following questions …
What are the values and truths that define you?
Are you prepared to be yourself and honest with others, even if this may mean having some “difficult” conversations?
Are you committed to creating a solid inner sense of self, with inner healing, so that you are not so attached to what other people think of you?
If you are authentic, whilst being kind, and someone is upset by your truth, you will know that you are not responsible for that. You can be considerate and honest and communicate, without being obsessive and constantly fretting.
#2. People Pleasing
Telling people what they want to hear is not just taking the easy way out. It means that you will set up an inauthentic world around you where you are living outside your values in order to not rock the boat and risk not being loved.
This is potentially personally dangerous, because bit by bit you may be handing away your rights.
Previously, as a result of not healing my unhealed wounds that weren’t allowing me to anchor into my “self”, it was very difficult and confusing to try to be “the real me” around others.
Like so many of us who have been narcissistically abused, I said what I thought other people wanted to hear. I didn’t realise even in non-narcissistic relationships that this was a problem!
People aren’t mind readers; they can’t work out our needs if we aren’t honestly speaking up about them. It’s also disingenuous to just “go along” to keep the peace and then suddenly “be” different when it gets too much for you.
When someone looks for “you” they will not see you. Therefore, you are not going to inspire respect, loyalty, and devotion. This means that you will feel taken for granted and even advantage of. People pleasers often get emptied out. Narcissists love people pleasers! Narcissists have no inner “self”. The less “self” you have the more you will tolerate them.
When you are committed to working on yourself and BEING yourself, you will not tolerate people who are vampiring off your Life Force, energy and resources for their own gain.
The remedy for people-pleasing is COURAGE – risking people not agreeing with you. The only way to create real relationships with your Tribe is to be yourself, instead of who you think everyone else wants you to be.
How can you attract and be loved and accepted for REAL, if you don’t express who you truly are?
Are you aware that it is impossible to keep everyone happy, and it would be much more fulfilling to be and express the person you really are? You are the ONLY person who can make you genuinely happy. The irony is, you will see how much other people step up and love and support you at the level that you are now being true to yourself.
It takes inner devotion and work to get to this point – and I can’t tell you the relief and joy you will experience when you have broken free from people-pleasing!
#3. Struggling To Lay Boundaries
Boundaries mean saying “No” to things that don’t feel authentic, healthy, or okay for you. It’s also about asking honestly for what you need from people. It’s about people knowing where the lines end … this is “who” I am – this is what I won’t and will accept.
Being your “self” is really important for this (getting back to the inner work) so that you know what your truths and values are.
If you struggle to speak up because of the fears of C.R.A.P. – meaning someone criticizing, rejecting, abandoning, or punishing you for being yourself – then this is a battle with codependency.