The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex (It’s not because you slept with him too soon)

/

The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex (It’s not because you slept with him too soon)

How many times have you felt heartbroken, and used just because the man you slept with, started ghosting and avoiding you almost immediately after?

“It’s because you slept with him too soon.”

That’s the reason your friends tell you he flaked.

But it’s not the real reason.

The sooner you realise it, the sooner you’ll stop it happening again.

I find this surprises a lot of women, so let me explain.

A man flaking after sex is a symptom, not the cause.

He wasn’t head over heels smitten by you, then (after sex) thought to himself, “You know what? I’m no longer interested because she slept with me so soon”. I’m yet to hear a single man state that the reason he chose not to pursue things with a woman was solely because of the timing of sex.

Related: 5 Reasons Why Men Lose Interest After Sex

But I can see where the myth comes from, because men disappearing after sex happens – a lot.

I chat to clients and women every day who are sick of men only after one thing. Tired of guys who talk the talk then disappear like clockwork after sex.

I get how used this leaves you feeling. And you’re tired of it.

But correlation is not causation.

Now, this is important.

If you want to immediately decrease the chances you’ll be ‘used’ for sex, then adjusting when you have sex might be a good move for you. Set an arbitrary rule. 3rd date. 5th date. Do whatever you’ve got to do. You’ll reduce the number of men you sleep with, and naturally, you’ll get ‘used’ less.

But this is more important.

Delaying sex in this manner won’t fix the problem. You’re only treating the symptom. It’s like using pain relief to treat an infection. It will make you feel better, but you’re not dealing with the cause.

The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex

Both male and female attraction is a combination of two factors. Physical attraction and Non-physical attraction.

Here’s where things get muddled.

Because men routinely sleep with women they have a physical attraction for, women assume non-physical attraction is of lesser importance in men. This is a mistake. Non-physical attraction is just as important to men – except when it comes to sex.

Physical Attraction

Men put more initial emphasis on physical looks. Studies of the male brain show it’s the first thing men notice about you, and it directly relates to sex. Any man who shows interest in you wants to sleep with you. He’s programmed to.

What you can’t be sure about is this second, much more important, factor.

Related: 3 Frustrating and Ridiculous Ways Men Test Women While Dating

Non-Physical Attraction

Is he non-physically attracted to you?

If he is, you can sleep with him on the first date, and he’s going nowhere.

If he’s not, you can wait until the tenth date, and his physical attraction will often carry him through regardless. He’ll wait it out so he can sleep with you, then leave anyway.

If a man flakes after sex, it wasn’t because you slept with him too soon. It’s because he didn’t feel enough non-physical attraction for you.

slept too soon
Men don’t flake because you slept with them too soon

Building non-physical attraction

Within a short time of meeting you, a man has begun subconsciously sizing you up as girlfriend material. He’s seeing whether you think you’re worthy of him or whether you put him on a pedestal. He’s noting how much you rely on your looks. He’s watching how people and the world respond to you. He’s looking out for red flags in your character. Most importantly, he’s figuring out if you have a vibrant, passionate world he’d like to be part of.

All these factors are affecting his non-physical attraction, while the deepest part of his brain tells him “sleep with her sleep with her sleep with her”.

And it’s happening faster than you think.

If he isn’t non-physically attracted to you by the end of the first date, it’s not likely to change by the 5th. If you don’t believe me, think about how many bad first dates you’ve had with guys you weren’t attracted to – that have then recovered for you to find attraction later on.

I bet it’s not many.

Your disempowering question

It makes sense. You feel like you’re being used for sex, so you decide to have less sex and wait longer until you do.

The problem? This solution is a great answer… to a fundamentally bad question.

“How can I stop being used for sex?”

You couldn’t find a more disempowering query.

When you’re #1 focus is “not being used“, that’s all you’ll get.

You won’t be empowered. You won’t meet higher quality guys. You will change none of the patterns that led to the flake. You’ll just ‘get used’ less.

Related: 8 Lessons Women Never Learn About Men

Empowering questions to ask yourself

When you start asking empowering questions, you start getting empowering answers. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I stop being used?” imagine if you asked yourself…

  • “How can I raise my standards, so I’m not so sold on these guys I’ve only been seeing a short time that I would even want a relationship with them?”
  • “How can I stop seeing sex and something I’m ‘used’ for, and start enjoying my sexuality for me?”, and;
  • “How can I build a life any man would be lucky to be a part of, that no guy would ever want to flake on?”

Now we’re talking.

Ask questions like these, and you’ll stop asking the question, “When is the right time to sleep with a guy?”

Have sex on your terms, when you feel like it, and when it is comfortable for you. If you feel like you’re being used, having sex less will help in the short term. But stop thinking that the timing of sex plays any real part in male attraction. It doesn’t. And it’s not the reason guys leave after sex.

Work on growing yourself and building non-physical attraction, so that no man in his right mind would flake on you. Ask yourself empowering questions that get to the root of the issue. Above all, stop believing your friends when they tell you, “He flaked because you slept with him too soon.” The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll never concern yourself again with a man’s actions after sex.

Check out Mark Rosenfeld’s personal website and blog, for more such interesting, helpful and informative pieces.


Written By Mark Rosenfeld 
Originally Appeared In Make Him Yours
Men Dont Flake You Slept With Them pin
The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex (It’s not because you slept with him too soon)
  • Lack Of Individuation: From Codependent Chameleon To True Self
  • The Rise in Armchair Psychologists on Social Media
  • 30+ Inspiring Quotes About Forgiveness To Let Go Of The Painful Past
  • When You Are Your Own Abuser: 7 Ugly Signs Of Self Abuse That You Ignore
Up Next

5 Simple Phrases That Will Make Your Husband Feel Loved

Phrases Make Husband Feel Loved

He is the man of your dreams, and just like you, he needs admiration. But, how to make your husband feel loved? Here are some subtle and right words to say to the person you love.

There are so many articles written about what wives need to stay happy but rarely do we talk about what to do to make your husband feel loved.

It’s not that husbands aren’t important. It’s just that the old adage ‘a happy wife means happy household’ is very important to men. And the adage is accurate so they work hard to do what they need to do to keep their household happy.

And one of the things they do is to ignore their own needs and ask very little of their wives. And doing that over a long period of time can lead to their own unhappiness and resentment and can cause a marriage to really struggle.

Do you prefer being ‘normal’ than being extraordinary? Would you rather do your work and be done with it instead of leading a project? Then you just might have a delta male personality.

According to the Socio Sexual Hierarchy created by Vox Day (Theodore Robert Beale), the delta male is a normal man who contributes to society and is proud of his contribution. He may not be an extraordinary leader like the alpha, but he gets the work done and makes sure that society functions smoothly. 

Let’s take a deep dive and understand what the delta male personality is and what characteristics he has so that you can identify if you are a Delta male or not.

Men don’t feel emotional pain. Or so we have been taught. The reality is men can get depressed, anxious, and suicidal. Mental illness in men is an alarming issue and we need to pay more attention to the signs of mental health issues in men during this men's mental health month.

Men's mental health issues are a public health concern that affects millions of men across the globe, yet it is a silent epidemic that is desperately begging for attention. Adult men, especially men in their 50s, suffer from a range of mental disorders but they choose to stay silent. As men, our self-esteem and sense of self-worth is closely tied to what society considers to be a success -

  • Career accomplishments
  • Financial security
  • Social reputation
  • Ability to provide for the family

Did you know over 40% of men do not talk about their mental health issues? In fact, according to men's mental health statistics, most of them report seeking medical help only when struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide. Men's mental health is an increasingly serious issue that we need to talk about openly without any judgment, criticism or shame.

In our complex and flawed society, men still lack a safe space to talk about their emotional and mental issues. No, we don’t talk about men's mental health. We simply tell them to “man up” because “

Up Next

How Emotional Are The 12 Zodiac Signs?

How-Emotional-Are-The-12-Zodiac-Signs-Featured

We all get emotional at times, albeit some of us are emotional way too more than the rest. Some are well adept at keeping their emotional side a secret behind a strong exterior of practicality, while others have their feelings near the surface, all the time. Nonetheless, the way we manage our emotions depends upon our personality and zodiacs say a lot about our personality traits. So, let's find out how emotional are the zodiac signs!

Each zodiac sign tries to deal with emotions in a specific way and it will be an interesting and what we hope, even an insightful read to know how emotional are we according to our zodiac signs. Let's dig in.


READ FULL ARTICLE ⇲