The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex (It’s not because you slept with him too soon)

Men Dont Flake You Slept With Them

How many times have you felt heartbroken, and used just because the man you slept with, started ghosting and avoiding you almost immediately after?

“It’s because you slept with him too soon.”

That’s the reason your friends tell you he flaked.

But it’s not the real reason.

The sooner you realise it, the sooner you’ll stop it happening again.

I find this surprises a lot of women, so let me explain.

A man flaking after sex is a symptom, not the cause.

He wasn’t head over heels smitten by you, then (after sex) thought to himself, “You know what? I’m no longer interested because she slept with me so soon”. I’m yet to hear a single man state that the reason he chose not to pursue things with a woman was solely because of the timing of sex.

Related: 5 Reasons Why Men Lose Interest After Sex

But I can see where the myth comes from, because men disappearing after sex happens – a lot.

I chat to clients and women every day who are sick of men only after one thing. Tired of guys who talk the talk then disappear like clockwork after sex.

I get how used this leaves you feeling. And you’re tired of it.

But correlation is not causation.

Now, this is important.

If you want to immediately decrease the chances you’ll be ‘used’ for sex, then adjusting when you have sex might be a good move for you. Set an arbitrary rule. 3rd date. 5th date. Do whatever you’ve got to do. You’ll reduce the number of men you sleep with, and naturally, you’ll get ‘used’ less.

But this is more important.

Delaying sex in this manner won’t fix the problem. You’re only treating the symptom. It’s like using pain relief to treat an infection. It will make you feel better, but you’re not dealing with the cause.

The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex

Both male and female attraction is a combination of two factors. Physical attraction and Non-physical attraction.

Here’s where things get muddled.

Because men routinely sleep with women they have a physical attraction for, women assume non-physical attraction is of lesser importance in men. This is a mistake. Non-physical attraction is just as important to men – except when it comes to sex.

Physical Attraction

Men put more initial emphasis on physical looks. Studies of the male brain show it’s the first thing men notice about you, and it directly relates to sex. Any man who shows interest in you wants to sleep with you. He’s programmed to.

What you can’t be sure about is this second, much more important, factor.

Related: 3 Frustrating and Ridiculous Ways Men Test Women While Dating

Non-Physical Attraction

Is he non-physically attracted to you?

If he is, you can sleep with him on the first date, and he’s going nowhere.

If he’s not, you can wait until the tenth date, and his physical attraction will often carry him through regardless. He’ll wait it out so he can sleep with you, then leave anyway.

If a man flakes after sex, it wasn’t because you slept with him too soon. It’s because he didn’t feel enough non-physical attraction for you.

slept too soon
Men don’t flake because you slept with them too soon

Building non-physical attraction

Within a short time of meeting you, a man has begun subconsciously sizing you up as girlfriend material. He’s seeing whether you think you’re worthy of him or whether you put him on a pedestal. He’s noting how much you rely on your looks. He’s watching how people and the world respond to you. He’s looking out for red flags in your character. Most importantly, he’s figuring out if you have a vibrant, passionate world he’d like to be part of.

All these factors are affecting his non-physical attraction, while the deepest part of his brain tells him “sleep with her sleep with her sleep with her”.

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