3. Let go of the victim mentality.
Ok, so, your person has left you and you are alone, devastated, and that is a truly horrible thing. And perhaps you are convinced that your person is a horrible person to just walk out on you even though nothing was wrong. Perhaps you are telling yourself that you are the victim in all of this.
Now, I am not saying that you haven’t been blindsided and hurt deeply – this is how it is at the end of a relationship, especially if you have been left. But I would argue that perhaps some of what you are telling yourself isn’t, in fact, based on truth and that if you continue to play the victim in your breakup if you continue to take no responsibility for its demise, then trying to make peace with letting go of someone who left you will be impossible.
Are you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself? Are you telling yourself that you did nothing wrong and that it was all on your ex and that they treated you horribly and that you don’t deserve this after all you have done for them and that they were wrong and you were right etc. etc. etc.?
While some of what you are thinking might be true, I would encourage you to examine your role in the demise of the relationship. Even if they cheated on you, you played some role in making the space for your partner to want to fool around. I am NOT saying that this is your fault but I am saying that holding on to being a victim here isn’t going to let you get past this.
For years, after my ex-husband left me for another woman, I played the victim – the person who was abandoned by the man who swore in front of our friends and family to love me forever. Not being able to break out of the victim mode held me back from healing. Once I was finally able to see that, while I was still hurt, I wasn’t blameless in what happened, and by doing so I was finally able to start making peace with the end of my marriage.
4. Don’t sabotage yourself.
Ok, be honest. When was the last time you stalked your ex? Was it one minute, one hour, one day or one month ago? How did it feel when you stalked them? Great? I am guessing not.
We do many things to sabotage ourselves when we are trying to make peace with letting go of someone who left. We stalk them online, wondering what they are doing and who they are doing it with. We seek closure, sometimes more than once. We move on too quickly, only to run back to our ex, begging for another chance. We let our ex come and go, taking advantage of our emotional fragility.
If you want to make peace with letting go of your ex, it is essential that you don’t sabotage yourself. That you do the things that you need to do to keep yourself strong in the face of all the pain.
Make sure you take care of yourself. You sleep and eat and exercise. Spend time with people who love you and who will remind you how amazing you are. Do things that make you feel good, like a massage or a pedicure. Buy yourself something pretty. Build yourself an altar to your hopes and dreams.
Don’t spend even a moment more sabotaging yourself, making yourself weaker in the face of what happened. Stand up for yourself and prepare to move on.
5. Take stock of what you want.
For many of us, when we are broken up with, we are sure that we will never love or be loved again. We believe that this person is the only person who could ever make us happy.
I would like to argue that the person who just left you is not the only person who can make you happy but is, instead, simply the one who is in front of you right now. The one to who you gave time and effort and your heart. But not, I promise, the only person for you.
Now is the time to take stock of what you want in a person. What kind of person would make your heart sing, who would make you feel safe and secure, who would be the kind of person who would stand by you no matter what?
After this, take stock of the kind of person your ex was. Were they the kind of person who would be able to be who you would want? Who could give you what you want in life and love?