How to move on
Anyone suffering from a loss, including failed relationship or breakup, undergo series of stages to finally move on. These stages are what we call The Stages of Grief, The Grieving Process or The Stages of Coping in Psychology. In about any loss, anything or anyone dear to you, all stages are the same. You may not know this before, but you’ve been through these stages nonetheless.
What are these stages and how they are related to moving on?
There are five steps in the grieving process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. However, the time spent in each step or stage is different to every individual. How to get there and when you will get there depends on the weight on how you perceive the situation you are in and your willingness to do so, but eventually you will.
Do you often say no and that you refuse to accept the fact that the relationship is over? Do you still believe that one day this person will come back knocking on your door? Then, you must be in the stage of denial.
There’s nothing wrong in hoping but sometimes you have to keep your hopes real. You can’t keep living on lies and empty promises, can you? Pretending isn’t gonna make what you are having now any less real. That’s not how you move on. The sooner you accept things, the sooner you will learn how to let go. this is the first task.
When you learn to accept that the loss is real, you begin to ask why? You will then fill every empty spaces to figure out what caused the failure of the relationship. You will then begin to know, you begin to understand and then you will look for someone to blame. You will feel anger starting to build and you must release it.
In the process of letting go, there is nothing wrong in being angry. In fact you need it. Anger is a motivating force, it will push you through. But be careful not to be consumed with anger, somewhere down the line, you must understand that you have some fault too. It takes two to make a relationship and it also takes two to break it.
Many of us experienced bargaining before. This is the stage where we often think of ‘what if’s’ or ‘if only I could’ and sometimes, people would bargain with their ’Gods’. This happens when Denial and Anger isn’t enough and the pain becomes unbearable.
We ask for a safe solace. We run and we wish as though going back and changing things or asking for one last chance in exchange of something can correct the situation or can ease the pain.
In moving on, especially after a break-up, you must understand that you need to feel the pain. Avoiding the pain can only prolong the grieving process. Pain is important towards healing and letting. Feel it, learn from it. Feel weak if you must. Shout if you must. Cry if you must.
This is the hardest part. This is when you lose faith, you have low mood, you feel fatigued every single time and you have no motivation at all.
You may feel that this is just right, that you deserve it and that you are better left alone but you are doing it all wrong. That is not how you move on. In fact, what you must be doing is the opposite.
You ask, what if your ex boyfriend sees you in pain? Do you think he or she will come back to pick you up? No. You are just giving exactly what this person wants. Everyone has their own ego, and if this person sees you this way, being head over heels for him or her, you are just feeding this person’s ego. You must stand up for yourself.
What should you do if you are feeling depressed after a breakup?
Well, this is the time that you need someone the most. Have your friends around you. Visit your family, spend the weekend with them. You must fill your heart with love, your love for an old or a new craft, your love for your friends and your family.
And when the two of you cross each other’s path, just look at this person and smile, smile like nothing hurts, smile like you are okay. It will kill him or her inside. Then you win. Happiness is the greatest revenge.